It’s been one of those days where I feel like the shittiest parent in the world. I know that part of this is depression talking but another part of it is just how I feel. I’m having a difficult time managing everything right now and I just can’t seem to keep up.
The kids are all on edge. Actually, Gavin’s doing pretty well. Elliott and Emmett are on edge. They’re over COVID and all that goes along with it. I can’t say as I blame them. I mean, who among us isn’t over all this shit at this point. I know I am.
Elliott had technical issues with remote learning today and was unable to hear anything for part of the day. That creates a great deal of frustration for him.
Emmett is keeping me awake on and off all night long because he’s been coming into my room around midnight and clings to me. I need to walk him back to his bed but he’s scared and even if he wasn’t, I’m too fucking tired. Emmett will ask me each morning, after he’s come into my room in the middle of the night, if he kept me awake at all. He feels so guilty and I don’t usually have the heart to tell him he kept waking me up.
I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and that’s feeding my depression, which in turn is fueling this internal narrative that I’m a terrible parent. It’s like this endless cycle of awful and I can’t seem to get myself out of it right now.
I know this is a temporary feeling but as long as it’s present, it feels like forever. I also know that I’m not the world’s best Dad but I’m also aware that I’m selling myself short at the same time. On days like this, I seem to get trapped in the negative and lose sight of most other things.
One of my huge worries right now is getting Gavin vaccinated. I have a call in to find out where he fits in the current vaccine phase and I’m waiting to hear back with answers. I’ve been hearing that people in my shoes qualify as caregivers and are eligible for the vaccine but I’m also hearing the opposite as well. I don’t believe I qualify and I know none of the vaccines are even approved, in any capacity for people under the age of 16. Once we get vaccinated and gain immunity, we can probably relax some of the restrictions a bit.
I was talking to Lizze today and we were discussing the vaccine and how we might be able to get back to some sort of more consistent visitation with the kids. That all depends on a million things going right but it’s something to work towards.
It’s hard to pinpoint one single thing that is causing me to feel like this right now. There’s simply too much happening and a great deal of it is outside of my control. 327 days is a really long time to be stuck at home. It’s a long time to go without a hug from anyone other than my kids. It’s a long time to go without being able to safely visit family or go about our lives in a manner that even slightly resembles normal.
All of these things are contributing to how I feel but I know this isn’t permanent. I know that tomorrow is a new day. It’s most likely going to be much the same as today, but it’s a new day nonetheless. I need to plant my feet and get myself back off the ground. It’s okay to fall but I need to always get back up. It might not be as quickly as I would under different circumstances but at least I’m getting back up.