The Truth is I’m Not Okay

One thing I have learned about myself, especially over the last couple of years, is that I will always find a way. I’m not a quiter and I don’t run away when things get tough. It may take me a little time to figure things out. I may need to be creative, and it might not always be pretty, or even make sense to others, but I always find a way.

Sometimes I feel like I just fuck eveything up though and I hate feeling that way. I’ve been keeping to myself recently and trying to find my center. When I feel this lost, I need to find what really matters most to me. Finding my center helps me to remember who I am, what I stand for, and it reminds me to focus on what really matters. I’ve found over the course of my life, that shit happens, and when it does, it tends to create static or noise. All that static and noise can become overwhelming, sometimes drowning out or distracting me from what I should be thinking, feeling, or doing.

There are times when I need to remind myself of these things, and I think writing this is helping me to do just that.

I’ve got a lot on my mind and a great many things on my plate. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed out, scared, sad, and upset with myself.

You know what? I’m doing it again. I have to stop doing this.

Fuck it! The truth is, I’m not okay and I won’t pretend to be. I’m going through some difficult times. I’ll be fine but at present I’m not. Do you know how hard that is to admit? It’s really fucking hard and I don’t know why that is. It’s not that I think myself weak for feeling the way I do. I think it’s more about not wanting to worry, overwhelm, or burden others with whatever I’m going through. I realize how big of a hypocrite that makes me, but there it is.

Let’s step past the admitted hypocrisy and focus on the more important message here, because I need this to be a teaching moment. Yes, while honesty is super important, and everyone goes through tough times, that’s not my message. If you take anything away from the words I’m writing, please let it be this.

It’s okay to not be okay.

You don’t always have to be strong and that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s okay to be scared or sad or anything else our very human brains can cook up and throw at us. I know mine can cook up some doozies and it sometimes feels like I’m playing dodge ball as my brain flings an onslaught of emotions in my direction.

Life isn’t easy and it can definitely be messy. At the same time, it’s so important that we not lose perspective. We live in a very unforgiving world that is often sending us the wrong message.

It’s not about the shit that happens and more about how we deal with it. It’s not about the mistakes we make but rather what we learn from those mistakes. It’s not about the obstacles in our path but rather the path we create around the obstacles. It’s not about being perfect but rathering embracing our imperfections. It’s not about how much we can accumulate but rather what we’ve contrubuted. Life is all about the people we love and taking advantage of the time we have together. It’s about freezing as many moments forever in our memories as we can, before our time together on this Earth is up. It’s about never taking anything or anyone for granted. It’s about loving and accepting ourselves for who we are, warts and all.

What I am going to do is end this here and go show myself some love by heading to the gym.

I really needed to write this because it helped me to remember these things for myself and it’s made it a little easier to say that I’m not okay. I will be but for right now, I’m not, and you know what? That’s okay.

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Salamawit Berhane

I am sorry you haven’t been feeling well. We all go through those rough patches sometimes it feel like eternity. This too shall pass. Y

Becky Wiren

I was feeling concerned, because you seemed to be ignoring the struggle of the past year or so. I actually feel reassured that you are on the right track, even if it means saying you’re struggling. I don’t know if that makes sense. I know on the best days I like to think I’ve conquered my problems but then I also get snapped back to reality. Anyway, hope you feel better. All you can do is what you’re doing.

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