The last couple of days have been rough for me. I experience with emotions is very intense. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but it can be overwhelming. I’ve always been that way but as I’ve aged, it’s become easier to manage. Not perfect mind you, but manageable.
When I get like this, I can start drowning in what feels like a tsunami of feelings, fear, and pervasive thinking.
I always thought that was normal but as I’m learning more about myself, I’m understanding it’s very much an ADHD thing. It’s so interesting to step back and look at things because I’m able to recognize patterns in my behavior that make much more sense now. Once I recognize the problem, I can work on addressing it.
The hardest part for me is shutting my brain off, especially at night. It’s stuck on repeat as I try to work through whatever is going on in my life that’s causing me distress. It’s like listening to the same song over and over and over, and over again. It’s exhausting and frustrating, overwhelming and emotionally draining. It also makes falling asleep more challenging. Last night I went to bed exhausted from a busy day and couldn’t fall asleep until after 2am. I just kept replaying my struggles in my head and couldn’t shutdown.
Again, I’ve always been like this. I just didn’t understand why until recently.
My solution at this point is throwing myself into my work. I’m also working on the outside of the house. Work has been so busy this week, I haven’t been able to get to the gym but I’ve been able to sneak outside into the yard between meetings.
So far, this week, I’ve dug out and planted, five wild flower gardens. I finished most of the outside painting. I only have a little white left to paint before I’m done. Elliott and I even planted some raspberry bushes last night. I’m calling the city today to get my bonfire permit for the summer and the kids are excited about that.
I’m creating some new routines around all of this as well. Watering the gardens early in the morning before taking the kids to school and in the evening before calling it a night. It’s only been a few days but life is beginning to sprout through the earth.
I have hours and hours of meetings today, so I’m not sure what I’ll get done outside of that but it is what it is.
I keep telling myself that today’s going to be a good day. Elliott got to school on time. I watered the gardens and put the hose away. Ruby’s been outside twice already and I got Emmett up for school but he went back to bed because he’s not feeling well. I need to get him into the gastro. His mom thinks he might have inherited some of her digestive issues. I’m adding that to my to do list of phone calls I need to make.
Right now, I’m just sitting here in my living room, surrounded by all these beautiful green plants, and I feel pretty okay in this moment.
I tried getting up to make my morning smoothie a few minutes ago but this was the look I got from Ruby when I nudged her to get down. Look at that face. I figured I’d finish writing this and give her a few minutes to collect herself before I make my way to the kitchen. Lol
Who knows how today will turn out but I do know that worrying about it serves no purpose, at least not a productive one. I’m going to really put focus on the things that are inside of my control and trust I will be able to handle what isn’t.