I’m determined not let #depression control my life

I'm holding it together pretty well today. I'm currently sleep deprived, exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, and anxious, but I'm holding my own. 😊 I think that I need to keep myself busy and avoid dead time. When I have unoccupied time on my hands, my thoughts can wander, and I begin to focus on the things that are causing me the most stress. Most of these things are well outside of my control, so fretting about them serves no purpose. I've already been to the grocery store today and spent more than I wanted to, but we got to eat. The rest of the afternoon will be relatively quiet, and I'm going to try and knock out two projects that I need to finish up. I know I'll feel much better…

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Making the best of today

I have such a hard time sleeping at night lately. My brain is running continually trying to solve the problems in my life, and I can't seem to shut down. That's definitely a problem, but it's workable and could worse. I was too tired to go walking this morning, and while it's important to push myself, it's also important I don't push myself too far. Today I'm going to focus on grocery shopping and finishing up two projects that should really be done by today. I'm so far behind on this stuff, and I need to get out from underneath the pile-up. The plan for today is to hit the grocery store, spend as little as possible to get everything we need, and assuming the weather holds out, light a…

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Do you know what it means to be in survival mode?

I've not spoken about this in a while because I have been so caught up in the struggle; it hadn't occurred to me. During therapy tonight with the kids, our therapist mentioned that I'm in survival mode. I'm very familiar with survival mode but hadn't actually thought about it in a long time. I think many fulltime caregivers experience survival mode, but it can happen to anyone. Survival mode is a state in which a persons functionality is temporarily but significantly reduced to preserve what little physical and emotional resources they have left. This is not to be confused with laziness because it's not at all the same thing. Someone enters survival mode when they are physically and emotionally bankrupt. This is common for caregivers and parents of special needs…

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He’s like a raw nerve

It's been a long ass day, and I know this will come as a surprise to you, but I'm exhausted. The boys had therapy tonight, and for the most part, it went okay. Several teachable moments arose during the session, but I'm not sure much was learned. Emmett's like a raw nerve. His new meds aren't really helping yet cause it's too soon and he's having a rough time with life. Elliott is dealing with lots of teen angst, and Gavin's is just significantly struggling in general. Add some frustration to the mix, and you have an explosive combination.. Elliott and Emmett are mostly manageable. I mean, it's a long of work, and it's exhausting, but it's manageable. Gavin is incredibly confused at times throughout the day and making decisions…

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I think today will be better

I didn't sleep for very long, but I managed to get at least a few hours. That being said, I feel pretty good this morning. I was up and at the park today by 6:30 AM. My walk went well and I'm feeling pretty good about starting the day like this. Last night was pretty rough for me, but I think that there's a chance today will be better. ☺

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All things considered

As I predicted in my last post, while my kids were enthusiastic about going for an early morning walk, their enthusiasm didn't last long. Elliott was wearing sandals because his shoes are now uncomfortable for him. They aren't too small, and they're in very good shape. I think it's probably sensory related. Anyway, he was also getting eaten alive. The bugs love him, and he barely made it the first one and a half miles. Emmett did okay, but he was pooping out pretty quickly. I relocated us to a different part of the park in a bid to avoid the bugs, and salvage the walk. Unfortunately, Elliott was done and wanted to go home. I got less than two miles in, and it's a bit frustrating. It was a…

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It’s just one of the sacrifices we make as parents

I got up this morning at 7:30 AM to go walking. As I was getting ready to leave, Elliott hopped out of bed and decided he would go with me. Before we could get out the door, Emmett decided the same thing. I don't mind when my kids come with me, but it does slow the process down, and they often won't finish. Many times there are sensory related problems that interfere with them walking. Things like their shoes feel funny or clothes itch. Inevitably, I won't get my three miles in, but it's also essential that they get out as well. It's just one of the sacrifices we make as parents. While I'm losing some distance and intensity, I'm gaining some time with my kids. 🙂

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