I sure have been quiet lately and I’m sorry for that. The truth is I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and writing about it sometimes feels like living through it twice.
Forcing myself to write doesn’t end up being helpful at all because it’s writing to maintain the blog instead of writing to maintain myself.
That said, I’m feeling the need to write and so here I am.
I think the last thing I talked about was Gavin’s current state of cognition and how it’s heartbreakingly regressing once again.
The summer has run its course and I think everyone needs the school routine back. Things have gotten stale and while I love my kids to infinity and beyond, we’ve spent a great deal of time together with very few breaks in between.
Lizze had an appointment and also has her first day of class today. She’s taking a new class once a week at night and today she had to be there early for paperwork and stuff.
I spent about an hour on the phone this afternoon, working out something on our mortgage. While I essentially had to sell my soul to reach an arrangement that is best for all parties involved, we’ve secured the house.
That’s a very positive thing.
Elliott’s doing pretty well today but Emmett’s been bouncing from one meltdown to the next. I don’t know if he’s in a flare or not feeling well because he can’t explain it very well or rather at all.
Gavin’s not had too concerning of a day. He’s talking nonstop which one might think is harmless but I swear to you, incessant talking is a form of torture.
I’m grateful that he can speak and my heart goes out to those raising kids who can’t, so please don’t take offense.
Gavin talking nonstop can drive anyone fucking crazy and I’m talking crazy with a capital C. Today is absolutely one of those days where I just don’t have the resources to cope with it.
As for myself, I’ve been better and I’ve been worse. I’m somewhere in the middle at the moment.
I’m stressed out like any other Autism parent and while there are some things within my control, most is outside of it.
The best way to describe this overall feeling is helpless. That’s different than hopeless but I don’t honestly know which is worse.
As a Special Needs Dad of three, at any given moment on any given day, I have to face the reality that my kids are struggling with life and there’s very little I can do help them directly. These things can’t be fixed and instead must be navigated. Unfortunately, there’s no GPS navigation for this kind of travel and finding myself frequently lost is pretty much the status quo.