I can’t really explain why but I’m struggling today. I’m feeling defeated and demoralized. Nothing happened outside of really bad dreams last night.
Honestly, I think it’s probably just a new battle with depression. By new I just mean a resurgence. There’s a great deal of stress in my life right now and I’m getting overwhelmed by it all.
I’m turning 42 years old on the 24th of August and I wish things in my life were different. I live in a bad neighborhood that I can’t seem to get us out of. In 12 days, it would have been my 17th anniversary but instead, I find myself alone with my kids, as we try to survive a global pandemic.
My kids are amazing and I love them completely. At the same time, I still feel completely alone. There’s tons of upside to marrying your best friend. That said, the downside, as I’ve come to learn, is that if things go bad, you not only lose your spouse, but you lose your best friend as well. It’s a double loss, that’s felt for a long time.
I’m also beginning to freak out because work has not been going well this month and that means September is going to be tough. Hopefully, things will be improving but there’s no guarantees. I’m trying to address what needs addressed and manage school at the same time.
There’s too much happening and I’m on overload. I know many of you can relate to that feeling. It’s not super uncommon for me to feel like this but I can usually shake it. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to do that today.
The last year and a half has been an emotional roller-coaster. COVID19 certainly isn’t helping things at all.