I’m very much in a darker place right now but I’m also refusing to give into depression. Fighting depression is an imperfect, uphill battle that’s part of an invisible overarching war that I’ve been engaged in for most of my life.
Part of my battle tactic is to force myself to focus on the positive things in my life. Depression tells me there’s nothing positive but I know that’s not true. There are three amazing little humans in my life and that’s the most positive thing I can imagine.
I’m going to share some pretty cool things my kids did today.
Gavin’s life is challenging for him but this kid never fucking gives up. This morning he was up before everyone else, which is normal for him. He focused on his morning hygiene routine, ate breakfast, took him meds, fed Ruby and let her outside.
Maybe that doesn’t seem like a major accomplishment but the level of independence that Gavin has reached, was previously thought of as being next to impossible due to his overall behavioral issues and cognitive decline.
Gavin’s come such a long way and I honestly couldn’t be prouder of him.
Elliott has really struggled with his mom moving away. He’s very angry, hurt, heart broken and scared. Lately, he’s been opening up to me a bit more. He’s always been honest with me about this but he would only talk about it when he was really upset.
Now he’s more freely talking and that’s a very positive thing. Elliott has also become quite the organizer. He has created a system that helps keep our supplies organized and is doing a great job maintaining his room.
Elliott is also putting in an honest effort with school, despite the fact that he’s unhappy with the change. I’m so proud of him.
Emmett is struggling as well for many of the same reasons. He is beginning to talk about his feelings a little more, especially in therapy.
After about a year of Emmett not sleeping in his own bed, he’s made the transition back to his own bed and that’s fucking amazing. He’s been using compression sheets and that’s been helping. You can learn more about this sensory tool here. This is a huge step forward for Emmett.
Emmett has also discovered a love of cooking or creating food. He’s been making jello for everyone and loves it when someone eats what he prepares. Today he researched a dragon fruit smoothie and proceeded to measure out the ingredients. He made it himself and actually drank it. That’s so cool, especially considering how limited his menu is. I’m so proud of him.
These are all very positive things and writing about them is helping me to maintain my perspective. Remaining centered is much harder when depression is kicking my ass. Keeping the positive in sight helps me to remember that depression is lying to me about everything.