I’m struggling with my depression more recently. I think that probably goes without saying. So many people are struggling with depression right now. I’m far from alone in my struggle but it still feels lonely.
Thankfully, I’m still doing okay. I have my days but who doesn’t? I feel like despite our current situation, I’m so lucky that we are doing as well as we are. So many people are far worse off and I make sure never to forget that. Perspective is so important when trying to navigate something like this. I’m also making an effort to remind my kids of this as well.
The holidays are particularly difficult.
I finished about 70% of my Christmas shopping and I will probably complete that in the next week or so. My kids have come of age in regards to Christmas so it’s bit less stressful but now it’s lost its magic.
Our dining room has a corner full of boxes. It’s their presents wrapped in decorative Amazon boxes. There’s nowhere to hide them and the kids are always here when the deliveries show up. I could further complicate my life by having them delivered elsewhere but it’s not worth it at this point.
The kids don’t even want them wrapped. I’m torn on that because truthfully, I don’t even want to wrap them. I mean, I miss the magic of Christmas with my kids but I’m so fucking tired at this point, I may just make piles. How terrible is that? It feels pretty terrible to me. We’ll see what happens.
In other news, my divorce will begin moving forward this week after the COVID delay. I’m super excited about that. Not really. It’s absolutely the right thing to do and I don’t even have second thoughts about it. At the same time, it’s heartbreaking for me. It’s a mix bag of crazy, roller-coaster type emotions.
Having said that, Lizze and I have worked out everything. There’s no fighting whatsoever and we continue to be partners in parenting. It’s not perfect but it works and frankly, that’s good enough for me. Fighting wouldn’t be good for anyone, especially the kids.
The emotional part for me is saying goodbye to my marriage. I didn’t want this but have come to accept it. As stupid as it sounds, I wanted to be one of those couples married for 50 or 60 years. It is what it is and like I said, I’ve accepted it and moved on. I truly mean that. On all practical levels, I’m good. It’s weird to say that but it’s true.
Getting this done will bring closure for me. I’m not sure how the kids will feel but they know it’s coming. It’s not a secret but it will finalize things and I’m not sure how they will react.
Anyway, aside from that, I did schedule one extra interview for this coming week. It will end up being episode 41 and while I know it’s an odd number, it’s also a really cool person who’s doing something truly awesome for the autism community. I’m actually pretty excited about it. I decided to hold off releasing a new eposide this past Friday because of the holiday. Next release with be this coming Friday.
Oh, I almost forgot. The car has to return to the bodyshop in order to fix issues with the new paint job on the entire driver’s side of the car. It should only be a couple of days at most but that presents its own challenge this week.
I’m off to bed while the gettin’s good.
I completely understand. My 23 yr old PDD-NOS daughter & I live alone. I’m disabled so we didn’t go out much before COVID, even less now. My daughter can go DAYS without speaking to me & think nothing of it. She will sit in her room whispering & acting out videos she has memorized all day long but will just give me an empty stare instead of answering “perogies or tater tots with our burgers?” I lost my cool earlier this week about it and then when I calmed down I suggested she find 3 websites she looks at a lot, tell me what they are so I can glace over them, and then pick one thing from them a day to talk about. I don’t care what we talk about just talk about something!
I also have my son & his GF in VA I can call for adult conversation when needed. Usually though my adult conversations are with my doctors.
Heather, this is so hard. We will get through this and find light at the other end. Until then, if there’s anything I can do, please reach out. ☺
I’m feelin’ your pain. Well, my pain, but similar pain I can empathize with. Not able to go anywhere (add narcolepsy and drop seizures to COVID = doom I think). My divorce (didn’t want it, 22 yrs-what happened to old and rocking chairs?, came to accept it cuz the alternative was unhealthy and it’s part of somebody’s plan apparently…) was final about 7 yrs ago. Maybe 6 yrs—OMG I can’t remember the year. Dayumm! Time flies. So a little ahead of ya there. Depression… yep, when I’m not spastic. Oh, wait, I meant manic lol (bipolar). Magic of Christmas… what? Huh? Early on, that sweet child o’ mine couldn’t have cared less about the present but there better be tissue wrap. And now (12 yrs old-severe autism/GRIN2A mutation) no chance of a particular “wanted” gift. Just hit or miss in all aspects. Still haven’t found that perfect toy… you know, “the one” that will surely just click and poof, communication clear, functioning normal. I finally got over wandering around stores, crying, looking nuts, seeking out “the precious” lol. Wow, I just rambled. Trust me, I’ve got more but I’ll spare you. Just wanted to commiserate and say, I don’t feel so freakish now lol. Thanks for that! Serious note… I’m sorry and I hope the little things we know are blessings show up in your life magnified so they feel humongous to you. After all, who doesn’t want to feel humongously blessed? So humongous blessings to you and yours!
—Maggie
Maggie,
Thank you so much for sharing your life with me. My goodness, you have so much on your plate. As you so eloquently said, our pain is a little different but our ability to both relate and empathize is incredible. Special Needs parents are bonded in a way that makes us all one big family. We’re spread across the globe and our store is may be different, but we innately understand each other’s lives.
There have been moments this past week where if I had – had the energy to cry, I would have.
Work has been slow, and that’s going to really hurt in December. COVID is simply ravaging this country and especially my particular State.
I’m used to being relatively isolated, as many special needs parents are, but this is something entirely different.
The divorce, as you said, was both unplanned and unwanted but ultimately the best thing. That journey is very new for me but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Lastly, you weren’t boring me or overwhelming me with your story. Please, always feel free to share whatever you feel the need to share. You can always email me as well if you need to talk.
My best to you and yours. You totally got this. ☺
We 4 had our Thanksgiving. One additional person who didn’t have anywhere to go came over. Since she spends her time masked in public and is very careful, as she is immunocompromised, we decided to make an exception. We’re more likely to get sick through our son who works in food services anyway (although they mask and clean a lot). We probably won’t be doing much for Christmas, although we should have a tree up soon.
I’m glad you guys are safe. We still have to put our tree up as well. I just need to find the energy to get the house caught up first.