Mainstream Anxiety

Mainstream Anxiety


It’s been a minute because my life has been a little overwhelming lately. I’m feeling incredibly anxious tonight, and I thought it might be helpful to write for a bit before I try to get some sleep. There’s a few things going on right now that have me on edge, and I’m going to go into a few of them. This isn’t going to be the smoothest article I’ve written, and it’s not meant to be. I’m looking to purge and walk away from some of this shit I’m struggling with.

The biggest thing keeping me awake tonight is that Elliott starts at a new high school in the morning. It’s been an emotionally exhausting couple of months for Elliott and me. Elliott has been handling everything like a champ, and I feel like I’ve been floundering on the floor like a fish out of water.

Elliott is going to be mainstreamed for the very first time, and it’s under less than ideal circumstances. No one wants to change high schools their sophomore year, with only two months left in the school year. Unfortunately, it was the best option and was a necessary move. The transition resulted from bullying that went largely unaddressed and eventually spread to social media. It was bad enough that he didn’t want to go to school, and because it was continuing to happen, I didn’t make him. I’m not going to put the school on blast here because this is really the first major issue we’ve had in the ten years Elliott’s been there. Do I agree with how it was handled at first? Absolutely not! Did they eventually address it? Yes, they did, but by that time, it was too late, and Elliott wanted to transfer. At the end of the day, it is what it is, and we have to move forward.

Elliott’s stoked to start his new school in the morning. The last few weeks have been very difficult for him. He’s going from a school with maybe 60 kids in total to a school with over 1,200 kids. It’s going to be a culture shock, but I have all the confidence in the world that he’s going to do great.

It’s stressful for me because I’m an overprotective parent who wants to put him back in a bubble but at the same time knows it’s the wrong thing to do. I’m so anxious for him, and I hope he has a fantastic first day.

I have so much respect and admiration for Elliott. There are a million reasons for that but his zero shits to approach dealing with the juvenile assholes in the world ranks pretty high on that list. Elliott is always, one hundred percent, unapologetically himself. He gives zero shits what other people think and stays true to who he is, no matter what. I’m so proud of him and truly hope this proves the right decision.

Part of the reason I’m so anxious is that there’s been a last-minute change of plans, and I won’t be taking him on his first day. It turns out Emmett has to have an emergency tooth extraction first thing in the morning, and I can’t be in both places at once. So Elliott’s mom is going to take him instead. He spent the night with her because it made everything easier. I wish I could be there, but she’ll make sure he gets off to a good start. If they need me, I’m a phone call away.

Thankfully, Emmett doesn’t have school in the morning anyway, so we don’t have to worry about him missing anything. I want this to go well for him. It’s just a baby tooth, so it’s not a huge deal, but it’s not going to be fun. After his appointment, I need to replace his phone, so we will be visiting Tmobile on our way home.

Another reason I’m struggling a bit right now is that I stirred up some PTSD-related trauma recently while I was starting the evaluation process for ADHD. I feel like these batteries of testing I will undergo in a couple of months will be like an emotional enema. There are so many things I experienced as a medic that I go to great lengths not to remember, and I dredged some of them up this week. I don’t like remembering, but I need to deal with some of this stuff. My doctor suggests that working through all of this will help get a more accurate diagnosis, and I’m sure he’s right. I guess I’d prefer to keep this stuff locked away in my head and pretend it’s not there.

Anyway, I also learned today that Gavin’s application for DD services was denied. I’m not sure what happened, but it could be something straightforward. Hopefully, it’s something simple. He’s so disappointed right now, and it’s heartbreaking.

I also have a ton of things going on with work and some big decisions I need to make.

I’m a little overwhelmed, but there’s so much positive in my life to focus on. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

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Suz

I really hope the new school works well for your son. It may be gnarly for a while, but I had to do similar for my son (staff bullying primarily although other kids excluded him) and know it was the right thing to do. You sum up the intense rollercoaster element of parenting neurodiverse children so well when you say you want to wrap your son up and protect him but you know you can’t. It is so hard but that is a good attitude as we have to prepare our children for this less than ideal world. He will draw strength from his family. Onwards and upwards.

BJW

I’m glad you could help Elliott. Both my kids were bullied, but it was the subtle kind for the most part. My oldest handled it better when he was literally bigger than all the other kids. My youngest handled it by making friends out of his bullies. I know, very strange. I wish I had been in the position to change schools for them.

Good for Elliott that he is himself. Jacob, my oldest (34) who is autistic, is pretty much like that. And he does work full time in food service and is working on a role-playing book with his younger brother, Henry (27), who is still very sick and may never work in a regular job. (Henry is streaming commentary on video games as he plays them, and has a growing audience. So that is something and it could make more money.)

Maybe the refusal of DD to accept Gavin is something that can be addressed and fixed? Possibly you can get some advice from experts. I know we found such through our local Autism Society.

I’m sorry to hear you have to deal with trauma. It’s hard to go back and relive things, but in the end you will feel better for it. Good luck to all of you!

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