I’m starting to feel kinda miserable. It’s been about 14 hours since my second booster and I’m definitely feeling it. I don’t mind the sore arm, and headache, but the exhaustion is the worst. I was already exhausted and now I’m even more so.

I crashed for a couple hours before dinner because I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Despite how I’m feeling, I did manage to make progress in regards to Gavin’s social security name change. I was able to get a certified copy of his adoption paperwork, as well as, his birth certificate. I just need to finish filling out the paperwork and then drop it off at the local social security office. They’ve assured me that they will take it from there. I’m going to assume the government bureaucracy means that it’s going to take some time before he gets his new social security card. I can’t control that, so I’m just gonna remember that progress is progress.

Today’s progress made Gavin feel pretty good and I like that.

I was able to get my work done today but it wasn’t fun. I even took the dogs for a short walk after dinner. They’ve both been glued to me tonight and I’m guessing they are sensing I’m a bit under the weather.

The boys informed me before bed that they want to stay home this weekend and not go for their scheduled visit. I totally understand why and I’m not going to force anything. The truth of the matter is that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. There’s no visitation order and because I have sole custody, all decisions are mine. That being said, I very much want to the kids to have a happy, healthy, and meaningful relationship with their mom. It’s been a priority for me since she left.

All I can do is encourage the kids and foster things where I can. What I can’t do is control the actions, and decisions of others.

This is so fucking stressful and frustrating for me, but it’s worse for kids. I’ve honestly given up on them ever being able to have the relationship with her that they need, want, and deserve. But then I hear my friend Kate Swenson in the back of my head saying it’s okay to give up today but tomorrow, try one more thing.

The kids are reaching an age if they haven’t already, where what I want them to do won’t matter because they’re old enough to make their own decisions. I’m desperately trying to use the time when I do have influence, to help them find a path forward.

In many ways, they’ve pretty much already given up, and I know that. I’m still going to encourage but no longer force.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn was that it’s not my job to make sure that other people do their job. My job is to raise my kids, make sure they know that they’re loved, help them pick up the pieces everytime their hearts break, and continue to forge a path forward toward a brighter future. That’s my job.

It’s really a lot to try and navigate sometimes but it could always be worse. This is part of what’s been impacting me lately and I’m done trying shoulder all of this.

Part of this six month process I want to undergo, is letting go and building forward. The kids and I deserve to be able to move forward. I’m working very hard to make that happen. I always try to find the positive but sometimes I need to just accept that it’s a shitty situation. It could definitely be worse and as an adult, I know that. The kids don’t see it that way right now but I’m hoping they will at some point.

Anyway, I’m gonna crash for the night and with any luck, wake up side effect free…