I don’t think I’ve written much about how I’ve been doing, at least not in great detail. I’ve shared little bits here and there, but that’s about it. Writing has been much more challenging over the last year, but I’m slowly being drawn back to it.
I don’t know where to begin, or if this will make sense. I’m a little scattered tonight but I suppose it will make the most sense to start with the present.
It’s tough to open up about where I am and what I’m going through, especially without trying to downplay things. Writing about it is easier than talking about it in person, but it still goes against the grain for me. That being said, I’m working very hard to find my way back to some semblance of balance in my life.
I’ve gone through a few phases regarding writing on this site. Before my divorce, I shared more freely, and there weren’t many things off limits. After my divorce, I discovered more of a need or even desire for privacy, especially when it came to my personal life. As my kids have gotten older, I’m very focused on respecting their privacy as well. More recently, I’ve been sharing a bit more about my personal life and journey once again. Honestly, I think I need and deserve some privacy in my life.
Towards the end of last year, I began struggling a little more. It was an internal struggle and something I could also manage internally. It wasn’t anything new, but I was not coping as well as I could have been.
A few things came up that set me back on my heels. I don’t want to talk about everything, but a big one was that my business experienced a huge setback, and I didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t something I could quickly bounce back from, and honestly, I’m still playing catchup today. It’s causes me a ton of stress and anxiety, because I haven’t recovered yet.
That was sort of the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. That was the point I think I began to struggle. Between work, the increasing demands of my kids, trying to navigate Gavin transitioning into his adult life, projects around the house that weren’t getting done, and my own life, I feel like I began to crumble. My mental health took a major hit and I slowly began to fail.
I was trying so hard to manage all of this. I tried to talk about it, but I just downplayed everything because it was easier. All of this built up over a few months, and what was once an internal struggle had begun to impact all aspects of my life. I was shorter with my kids, and while they can be frustrating, they definitely don’t deserve that. I began struggling in my personal relationships as well. I was distracted, tired, and forgetful, and I was in this state of constant overwhelm. It was both physically and mentally exhausting. As all this built up, I was becoming more and more anxious. Eventually, my anxiety just took over, and I couldn’t function effectively anymore.
I’ve experienced burnout a few times over the last two decades, but this was by far the worst I’ve ever experienced. All I wanted to do was shut down. It was like I couldn’t breathe, and I got to a point where I just wanted everything to stop. I needed the world to stop spinning. I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning. I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, and that terrified me. I felt like I was broken. Honestly, I was a total mess. I had reached a point where I knew that if I didn’t immediately relieve the pressure, I would fail, and I was worried that there wouldn’t be any coming back from that this time. I’m so grateful I was still self-aware enough to recognize this.
I was crumbling under the weight of everything. I was worried that if I couldn’t even tread water, my kids would drown with me. That wasn’t an option. My kids are my entire world and have already lost their mother because of the choices she continues to make; they were not going to lose me.