I re-paved the road to hell with my good intentions today

There’s a great deal of emotion on both sides and we’ve made little head way over the last six months. 

I seized an opportunity this afternoon, that I was hoping would help bridge the gap, despite knowing where Lizze was emotionally and despite her asking me not to. It backfired in a pretty major way. 

I appreciate that she didn’t mention that it was me that pushed her into this situation today but I totally own it and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have pushed…  

Family can be a fickle thing and things like divorce or separation can create a rift that makes it very, very difficult for some people to move past. I don’t think it’s necessarily ill will but rather a side effect of being human. 

If the road to hell is truly paved with good intentions, then I just put down a fresh layer of steaming hot asphalt today. 

Lizze wasn’t in a good place and in my attempt to help, I pushed her into situation she wasn’t in a good enough place to handle..

I unconditionally support my wife and I understand exactly where she’s coming from.

I’m saddened that this has gone on for so long and that it’s driven such a wedge. I can see both sides of this and I know that any push back is out of concern but that concern is misguided and unnecessary. 

There are some people who I know we will never be able to reach and I’ve chosen not to worry about them. 
I’m sorry that I put everyone in a position that turned out so badly. I love all my family and I know that the game will work out in time but until then, I know Lizze is hurting. I know she misses everyone and I know it weighs heavy. I also know she’s tried to make things right, within her abilities to do so and it’s not been enough. 

I’m not personally angry with anyone. I just wish we could all move passed this without conditions. Life is too short for this shit and I’m so grateful for everyone who’s been unconditionally supportive and made efforts to move forward. 

I feel like we’re 90% there but the last 10% is going to take more time. 

Not that any of my family is going to read this, aside from my amazing Mom but for those involved today, I’m sorry I pushed when I shouldn’t have. 

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Kim Gebhardt

You do deserve a nice Christmas, I’m sorry if you felt I was trying to imply otherwise. I feel like your siblings have helped more than you think. They have taken the boys for ice cream or other treats, helped your with your house right after Lizze left and your brother has fixed your car several times. They made homemade bunk beds for them and one of them also helped fix your (inside) staircase when it came away from the wall. I feel like you are doing your siblings a huge disservice by acting as though they have done nothing at all to support or help you.

Either way, you can’t force them to like Lizze or welcome her back. You can only make the best of the situation at hand.

As for caregiver burnout, I have seen it first hand. I watched my mother go through it when she was taking care of her uncle who had Alzheimer’s. My best friend and her mother both experienced it when taking care of her father who had a 10 year illness. My aunt is going through it right now with her husband is has a debilitating neurological disease. It affects more than just parents. Any person who is a caregiver is prone to it.

Kim Gebhardt

I’m curious why you would attempt to bridge the gap when you knew Lizze was feeling fragile and (according to her blog) she asked you not to? I understand that you are in a bad spot; stuck in the middle between your wife and your siblings is not a fun place to be, but this is not something you can control or fix. Your siblings will either come around or they won’t, and no amount of forcing is going to change that. I get that Lizze’s mental illness played an enormous part of her decision to leave and I’m glad she got help for that, but the fact remains that she put her children to bed and then left the house. As a sister and an aunt, I would have a VERY hard time forgiving that. Your siblings were the ones who watched you fall apart and helped put you back together. They watched Lizze manipulate you and the situation while she was living at her parents; she was going to parks and parties and bars and dating other men, all while you were struggling to keep yourself and the boys afloat. The relationship between them and Lizze may be gone forever and you and she will need to make peace with that. It will make for awkward family gatherings, but it is what it is. Lizze is the one who made this bed, now you and she will have to lie in it and hope that it will get better over time.

All that said, I’m glad the boys had a good Christmas. They deserve it.

Kim Gebhardt

You do deserve a nice Christmas, I’m sorry if you felt I was trying to imply otherwise. I feel like your siblings have helped more than you think. They have taken the boys for ice cream or other treats, helped your with your house right after Lizze left and your brother has fixed your car several times. They made homemade bunk beds for them and one of them also helped fix your (inside) staircase when it came away from the wall. I feel like you are doing your siblings a huge disservice by acting as though they have done nothing at all to support or help you.

Either way, you can’t force them to like Lizze or welcome her back. You can only make the best of the situation at hand.

As for caregiver burnout, I have seen it first hand. I watched my mother go through it when she was taking care of her uncle who had Alzheimer’s. My best friend and her mother both experienced it when taking care of her father who had a 10 year illness. My aunt is going through it right now with her husband is has a debilitating neurological disease. It affects more than just parents. Any person who is a caregiver is prone to it.

callumpottinger

Unfortunately, you aren’t privy to everything and I hadn’t planned on trying to defend my statements. I realize that people are going to judge Lizze forever, even though they don’t have the first clue what she went through.

I’m not angry with my siblings, just disappointed in some areas. It’s easy to form an opinion from the outside and something entirely different to experience first hand.

I never said you had to be a parent to suffer caregiver burnout. It’s not parental burnout, it’s caregiver burnout.

Kim Gebhardt

I’m curious why you would attempt to bridge the gap when you knew Lizze was feeling fragile and (according to her blog) she asked you not to? I understand that you are in a bad spot; stuck in the middle between your wife and your siblings is not a fun place to be, but this is not something you can control or fix. Your siblings will either come around or they won’t, and no amount of forcing is going to change that. I get that Lizze’s mental illness played an enormous part of her decision to leave and I’m glad she got help for that, but the fact remains that she put her children to bed and then left the house. As a sister and an aunt, I would have a VERY hard time forgiving that. Your siblings were the ones who watched you fall apart and helped put you back together. They watched Lizze manipulate you and the situation while she was living at her parents; she was going to parks and parties and bars and dating other men, all while you were struggling to keep yourself and the boys afloat. The relationship between them and Lizze may be gone forever and you and she will need to make peace with that. It will make for awkward family gatherings, but it is what it is. Lizze is the one who made this bed, now you and she will have to lie in it and hope that it will get better over time.

All that said, I’m glad the boys had a good Christmas. They deserve it.

callumpottinger

Kim, I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand because unless you’ve experienced things like caregiver burnout, you can’t understand what it does to someone. As far as helping me through anything or putting myself back together, my parents are the only ones that helped. I know people were upset that myself and especially the boys were hurt, but no one reached out to help in our darkest moments. Now that we’ve out our lives back together, some people have a problem with it.

Everything that happened while she was gone served a purpose. It’s the broken road that brought us back together.

You’re right about the boys deserving a good Christmas but so do we.

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