My relationship with depression, and it is a relationship, can be volatile at times. Sometimes I’m able to manage the relationship in a very productive and healthy way. Yet there are other times where I’m the one being managed and it’s not pleasant.
I happen to be existing in a period of time where depression is showering me with lots of unwanted attention.
One of the biggest red flags is insomnia. It’s not like I’m new to sleep deprivation but not sleeping is usually the result of one of my kids not sleeping. Lately, I haven’t needed their help to be up all night, envious of those who find sleep without much trouble.
I’m finding myself feeling very negative and frankly, there isn’t anything to be negative about. My life is beyond challenging and raising three with Autism and various other special needs, isn’t easy, but it’s all I know. None of this is new and therefore, nothing that should be stirring up these feelings of despair.
There are two big things that I know play a role but I can’t seem get enough of. Those two pink elephants in the room are quality sleep and exercise. In fact, they seem to have become mutually exclusive, meaning one cannot exist, so long as the other exists.
If I’m not sleeping well, I end up being to exhausted to exercise. Not exercising certainly isn’t helping with my sleep issues either. It’s a cycle that I’m trying to break but I’m not doing such a good job with lately.
I don’t believe there’s anything specific, that has triggered this level of unwanted attention from depression. It’s likely just the ebb and flow nature of clinical depression.
Depression can escort me to some dark places at times but I always seem to find my way back to the light. That’s really an oversimplification but you get the point.
I suppose the bottom line is this. Depression fucking sucks…