It’s been a pretty rough couple of days. Scratch that. It’s been a pretty rough year. I’m feeling a great deal of pressure right now and it doesn’t look to be getting better, anytime soon. I’m fact, it’s likely to only get worse.
School is getting closer and closer and I’m getting more and more nervous about this whole distance learning thing. I don’t really worry so much about the kids because I believe they can totally handle this. I’m nervous that I won’t be able to handle this.
I’ve been working a lot the last few days but unfortunately, it’s not translating into much financially, at the moment. That fact alone has me unable to sleep at night. I know that literally millions and millions of people are dealing with that same struggle. I wish I could shake this but the truth is, I can’t. I’m worried about the coming months.
The truth is, depression is absolutely kicking my ass up one side of the street and down the other. Right now I feel like I’m sinking in quicksand. It wasn’t something I really noticed at first but now that I’m waist deep and unable to freely move about, it’s painfully obvious.
I’m losing interest in all the things I once enjoyed, like writing and hiking for example. I can’t focus like I need to, pretty much everything overwhelms me and I’m exhausted. I’ve been working on this post for 3 days and that’s crazy. Three fucking days. I used to write a dozen times a day.
My anxiety is heightened because there is too much goddamn unpredictability in my life right now. I see the world around me burning and too many people are fueling that fire with their refusal to follow something as simple as a fucking mask mandate. I worry that I won’t be able to keep my kids safe.
It’s getting harder and harder to work because the kids are wanting more and more of my attention. They absolutely deserve to have my attention, and I love giving it to them, that’s not the problem.
Just one of the many struggles associated with working from home, is balancing work and family, especially when your kids are always present. This is even more challenging as a single parent because there’s no one there to help with anything. It’s even more challenging when you’re a single, special needs parent.
Speaking of no one being there, August 10th will mark 365 days since my wife left. I’m big on milestones, anniversaries, and things like that because they’re significant moments in my life. I will have spent 158 of the last 365 days, locked in a house with my kids, who by the way, are still very much heartbroken and grieving.
I’m going through the motions and putting a great deal of effort into being okay. Unfortunately, depression doesn’t work that way. I can’t just will myself to feel better.
If I wasn’t alone, I would probably talk to my doctor about bumping up my antidepressant a little bit. The reason I said if, is because historically, I go through a weird period of adjustment when my antidepressants are changed. I sleep more and find myself getting dizzy. I can go without driving but I need to be functional. Yes, I’ve thought of pretty much every possible workaround from the boys going to their moms for a week to just powering through it. I don’t feel like there’s any realistic possibilities.
My best bet is to focus on exercise. That’s always been a very powerful antidepressant for me. I’m struggling with the motivation part of that but I’ll just have to force myself to workout until it becomes habit again. I’m still in weekly therapy and trying to get good sleep as well, but it’s not enough.
I’m not writing this to freak anyone out. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything like that, I promise. Talking openly about my struggles is really all I have left in my coping skills toolbox. The idea that this could help someone else, is helpful for me.
I mentioned that I’ve been working on this for 3 days. Everything in me wants to give up on finishing this, rather than see it through. I’m really proud of myself for not giving up, even if it took me way too long to get this done. I’m trying to stay focused on little victories like this because they build into more positive things..
Right now, in my life, I need all the positive, inspirational shit I can muster.
I think we’re all feeling overwhelmed right now. Our expected norms and trusted routines have morphed into some real world Twilight Zone episode. I feel you. I just do. And I wanted to say hang in there. Don’t worry. Breathe and try your hardest to live in the moment to the best of your ability. The future is still unwritten with more possibilities than there are stars in the sky. Sweet dreams.
@TylerT, this has nothing to do with “yes an adult can go talk to another adult at a distance safely” this has to do with the challenges and struggles a parent faces with a child with a disability. Pre covid parents with children with disabilities already felt “left out” and “left behind” by society as a whole. Throw a pandemic into the mix and the feelings intensify dramatically. You should really mind your own and I pray you have the strength to comfort yourself in your time of need.
Rob, your feelings are your feelings and the minute we discredit our own feelings that is when we are in trouble. When we can articulate where we are emotionally that is healthy. It is okay so say this sucks because it does. I am proud of you that you finished the post. Keep being real because that is what the world needs more of. Amy
I know this is probably impossible for you but have you ever thought about moving to rural Ohio and getting a house with a big yard that your kids can run around in safely and get some fresh air everyday? Also you can raise animals like chickens and animals can really help with depression.
That thought has crossed my mind in more than one occasion. My goal is to get myself into a situation such that I can move us somewhere else. I would assume that would be at least a year off but I plan to use this time to get us there. I’ve no idea where we want to go and it can’t just be a lateral move. I LOVE the idea of the country though. I love it. ☺
Okay, you have got to stop with the ‘I’ve been locked in my house with 3 kids’ routine because it is simply not true. I know this post will never be approved for posting but I’m going to write it anyway. You are NOT locked in. You CAN go see other adults by sitting in the yard and keeping your distance. You LOVE the drama of this pandemic and it’s treating you well in terms of gaining new followers. As for distance learning? Hopefully your kids are self starters because that is the ONLY way they are going to succeed at school. You have made it exceedingly clear that education is NOT a priority in your house. Change that. Give your kids a better life because with the path they are on now is leading them straight to a life of being on government assistance.
How many accounts are you going to create? I’ll let the comment through so everyone can benefit from your rantings.
I just don’t understand how someone can make such a terrible comment and judge someone else’s life without having stepped one foot in their shoes.
Wow. Judgmental much? You really shouldn’t be reading this blog, as you don’t have the capacity to be kind to others. Plus, I believe you are flat out wrong. Do you actually deal with disabled children or adults? If you do, I hope there is someone else in their life who is a decent, kind person. Because you aren’t that person. In fact, you shouldn’t be dealing with any people in general.
Rob, can you get more backup help? Because if you had a serious health issue and needed someone else to care for the boys, at their home or yours, you wouldn’t have a choice. Maybe the pressure you are under is close enough to that type of emergency? Not because I think you are so depressed you will make bad choices, but because we don’t want you to get to that point. And the pandemic looks to be hanging around for a long time.
I hear you. I have friends who are dealing with so much anxiety right now with the school year quickly approaching. Some have no choice but to send their kids to school as homeschooling is not an option because both parents work out of the home. Friends who are working from home also don’t have the option as the demands of their work and employers is the same as if they were in the office. I’m so thankful I’m not in any of those predicaments. I can’t even imagine not having a choice. That being said you need to set up a schedule and have their mom step up to the plate so you can have time to schedule your work time too. Life has to go on.