It’s been a pretty rough couple of days. Scratch that. It’s been a pretty rough year. I’m feeling a great deal of pressure right now and it doesn’t look to be getting better, anytime soon. I’m fact, it’s likely to only get worse.
School is getting closer and closer and I’m getting more and more nervous about this whole distance learning thing. I don’t really worry so much about the kids because I believe they can totally handle this. I’m nervous that I won’t be able to handle this.
I’ve been working a lot the last few days but unfortunately, it’s not translating into much financially, at the moment. That fact alone has me unable to sleep at night. I know that literally millions and millions of people are dealing with that same struggle. I wish I could shake this but the truth is, I can’t. I’m worried about the coming months.
The truth is, depression is absolutely kicking my ass up one side of the street and down the other. Right now I feel like I’m sinking in quicksand. It wasn’t something I really noticed at first but now that I’m waist deep and unable to freely move about, it’s painfully obvious.
I’m losing interest in all the things I once enjoyed, like writing and hiking for example. I can’t focus like I need to, pretty much everything overwhelms me and I’m exhausted. I’ve been working on this post for 3 days and that’s crazy. Three fucking days. I used to write a dozen times a day.
My anxiety is heightened because there is too much goddamn unpredictability in my life right now. I see the world around me burning and too many people are fueling that fire with their refusal to follow something as simple as a fucking mask mandate. I worry that I won’t be able to keep my kids safe.
It’s getting harder and harder to work because the kids are wanting more and more of my attention. They absolutely deserve to have my attention, and I love giving it to them, that’s not the problem.
Just one of the many struggles associated with working from home, is balancing work and family, especially when your kids are always present. This is even more challenging as a single parent because there’s no one there to help with anything. It’s even more challenging when you’re a single, special needs parent.
Speaking of no one being there, August 10th will mark 365 days since my wife left. I’m big on milestones, anniversaries, and things like that because they’re significant moments in my life. I will have spent 158 of the last 365 days, locked in a house with my kids, who by the way, are still very much heartbroken and grieving.
I’m going through the motions and putting a great deal of effort into being okay. Unfortunately, depression doesn’t work that way. I can’t just will myself to feel better.
If I wasn’t alone, I would probably talk to my doctor about bumping up my antidepressant a little bit. The reason I said if, is because historically, I go through a weird period of adjustment when my antidepressants are changed. I sleep more and find myself getting dizzy. I can go without driving but I need to be functional. Yes, I’ve thought of pretty much every possible workaround from the boys going to their moms for a week to just powering through it. I don’t feel like there’s any realistic possibilities.
My best bet is to focus on exercise. That’s always been a very powerful antidepressant for me. I’m struggling with the motivation part of that but I’ll just have to force myself to workout until it becomes habit again. I’m still in weekly therapy and trying to get good sleep as well, but it’s not enough.
I’m not writing this to freak anyone out. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything like that, I promise. Talking openly about my struggles is really all I have left in my coping skills toolbox. The idea that this could help someone else, is helpful for me.
I mentioned that I’ve been working on this for 3 days. Everything in me wants to give up on finishing this, rather than see it through. I’m really proud of myself for not giving up, even if it took me way too long to get this done. I’m trying to stay focused on little victories like this because they build into more positive things..
Right now, in my life, I need all the positive, inspirational shit I can muster.