First of all, I really appreciate all the love and support. We’re all in this together and I sometimes forget that. Thank you for the many reminders. ☺
I wanted to share a bit more about something I alluded to in the previous post (see here).
Yesterday, Elliott did his daily can we go walking Dad. I wish I could take them whenever they wanted me to but the truth is, I honestly don’t feel it’s always safe. There are also times when I simply lack the motivation and energy. That’s usually due complications related to my ongoing war with depression.
Without fail, Elliott asked me to take them all to Quail Hollow, a park within driving distance from our house. It’s one of our favorite places to visit during the spring, summer and fall. We’ve not ventured out during the winter but I bet it would be a lot less crowed then. Perhaps a winter visit is something we should think about.
I was not having a good day yesterday. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was drag everyone to the other side of the county, only to find that it wasn’t safe to stay because of it being too crowded with people not wearing masks or social distancing. The kids would be disappointed and I would become even more frustrated with society than I already am.
In the moment before I said no, I remembered how difficult this is for my kids and that I had the power to improve their lives, even if it’s only for a little while. That meant I had to force myself to go through the motions once again.
That said, I made the choice to push forward and make myself do what depression was telling me not to do. I guess I’m a rebel. 😂
Before the word no could leave my mouth, I said yes instead, and it was the best decision I could have made. I wasn’t excited about going but I felt good about being there for my kids.
As it turned out, the park was a bit on the crowded side and only one person wore a mask. Thank you, whoever you are. I really appreciate you. ☺
Rather than give up, I opted instead to take the road less traveled. I literally mean, take the rode less traveled because we found a trail that took us away from everyone else and we were able to go for a hike. We were only there for about an hour because by the time we arrived, it was after 7pm and it’s getting dark eariler.
That said, we had some quality nature time and I felt so much more alive afterwards.
The moral of the story is, don’t give up or give in to whatever depression is telling me. Depression will do whatever it takes to keep me down. There are things depression tells me that I honestly struggle with. This is some very personal stuff but it’s my truth.
Depression likes to tell me how worthless I am or how much I’m failing. Depression tells me that if I wasn’t enough for my wife of 17 years, I’ll never be enough for anyone and no one will ever love me that way again. Depression tells me to hate my body and the person I am. Depression tells me that no one will ever accept me for who I am. Depression is fond of trying to convince me that the world would be better off if I weren’t in it. Like I said, very personal.
Again, I’m in therapy, on antidepressants and doing my best. COVID isn’t helping at all. It’s far from ideal and I definitely have my bad days but I’m not going anywhere and I refuse to let depression win.
If you hear these things or something similar, please know you aren’t alone. Depression is an asshole and will always try to bring you down. Please remember that no matter what depression says, you matter. You are worthy of love and acceptance. You deserve to be happy and most importantly, the world is a better place because you are in it.
I know it’s hard to see and or believe that at times but it’s true. So many of you reminded me of this yesterday in my hour of need and I hope to repay that kindness.