Today has been straight up, one of the most horrible days I’ve had in a long time. I’m so overwhelmed and feel like I’m drowning. Sometimes I feel like I’m totally broken and just can’t put myself back together. I try so hard to be the best father I can be. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and that should be painfully obvious by now. If it’s not, I don’t know what to tell you.
From a distance, it may look to other people in my situation, that I’ve got it all together but I promise I don’t.
There’s never really been a time in my life that I haven’t been able to rise the occasion. I may not always succeed but I’ll be damned if I don’t nearly kill myself trying. I don’t give up and I’m not a quitter. I find a way to meet whatever is asked of me, especially when it comes to my family.
There’s always going to be times that I have to make difficult decisions and I’ll struggle with what to do. I don’t often find myself in a position that I literally can’t bring myself to do what has been asked of me. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that’s happened but today has been a great reminder of how it really fucks me up.
My day has been shitty and I’m struggling to pull myself out of it.
The kids have been fighting on and off all day. I can’t keep up with everything and I’m fucking tired. I’m just so tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m exhausted. I’m lonely. I’m stuck inside my own head and that’s not always a good place to be.
I’ve not felt my very real human limitations this profoundly in a very, very long time.
What I need is to go for a really long walk. I’ve not really been able to do that the way I need to since becoming a single Dad and COVID hasn’t helped make that any easier to obtain. I need to clear my head and I just can’t seem to do that.
Physically I’m fine. Emotionally I’m just completely spent.
What I wouldn’t give to crawl into bed right now and just sleep this all away. It’s just not in the cards. Maybe if the kids were getting along a little better but they’re not and there’s no use in stressing out over what might have been.
Before dinner I needed to do something. I needed to make myself put one foot in front of the other, so I decided to take the kids to go for a short hike. We went to the Wellness Trail with the understanding that if I felt it wasn’t going to be safe, as in too many non-mask wearing people, we would turn around and go home.
Thankfully it worked out. We only went about a mile because it was getting dark. The kids bickered most of the time and it was incredibly frustrating. I’m still better off having gone. If nothing else, the kids knew I was not having a good day. It’s not like that wasn’t painfully obvious, even if I tried to hide it, and this set a positive example about how to deal with these feelings.
I’m reaching for a silver lining here and that’s all I can muster up.
I’m so over today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better but you know what, I’m not holding my breath because fucking 2020.
Anyway, I’ll be okay. I always am.