A long overdue emotional exhale

I feel like my day started off amazingly well and then it slowly, methodically descended into chaos as the day went on. I managed to get some work done but not enough and that’s really frustrating me.

I’m exhausted, overwhelmed and in the process of figuring out how to go about building a new life.

Emmett is struggling because he apparently was under the impression the divorce had been finalized for a long time. When it discovered that it wasn’t going to be finalized until yesterday, it really upset him. I didn’t know he had misunderstood the situation for so long and I’m not sure what lead to the confusion.

Unfortunately, he now feels like the whole thing has been reopened. He’s on a hair trigger right now and it’s not taking much to set him off. He’s been triggered a number of times today.

Elliott is completely throwing himself into his cosplay and that’s cool. I’m totally okay with that. The difficulty for me is that he likes to make his own props and likes to work with me on making them. It’s been a steady flow of needing my help throughout the day and I love helping him. The problem is that it’s pulling me away from work and because I know it’s how he’s coping, I feel horrible if I don’t keep helping him.

On a total side note, Elliott did the sweetest thing today. He had asked for a french bread pizza for dinner and I told him sure. He asked if I wanted one and I said that sounded great. I was working when he brought my perfectly cooked french bread pizza to me. I noticed he didn’t have one and he said that there was only one left and he knew I hadn’t had one yet. He gave up his pizza for me and had something else instead. I tried to get him to take it but he insisted and I decided that he was trying to do something nice and I should let him.

Gavin was just a bit off today. Gavin’s a bit off on a good day and today was not a good day. I finally sent him to call Lizze and talk to her about why he’s frustrated because I just couldn’t deal with the drama anymore tonight. He wasn’t upset with her or anything like that. I just needed to tag her in for a little bit.

I have no clue what they talked about but he walked away feeling better and that’s all that matters. If it works for him, it works for me.

As for me, I already said I was overwhelmed. I’m spread way too thin at the moment and while I didn’t think yesterday would actually change a great deal, it feels like a much bigger deal now for some reason.

We’ve basically already been following the separation agreement for a long time, it just hasn’t been legal until this week. Lizze took back her last name, the paperwork is done and our marriage disolved, that’s pretty much it. At the same time, until today, I woke up every morning and I was still married. Today’s the first day that I woke up and I wasn’t. That hit me a little harder than I thought it would.

The last year and a half has felt like an eternity and I’ve been as strong as I could be, especially because I have the kids every single day and they need me.

Maybe everything is just catching up to me? It’s like I’m experiencing a whole new level of exhaustion since leaving my attorney’s office on Tuesday morning. Perhaps this is just part of a long overdue, emotional exhale. All I know for sure is I’m tired and not giving my kids what they need from me.

Tomorrow I have a very succinct todo list I need to knock out. I recorded an ad for this week’s sponsor and just got the approval, so I can finish up Friday’s release in the morning. My only other focus for work tomorrow is finishing the outline for my next interview on Friday. I tried to get that done tonight but the kids just weren’t cooperating and rather than get even more frustrated, I just hit the pause button until tomorrow. I’ll try and get it done while the boys are in school.

I know I have so much going for me right now and I need to move forward on some of these things. Since it’s been a very taxing week, I’m cutting myself a little slack and plan to take it easy after my last interview on Friday. I want to hit the ground running on Monday. Continuing to run myself into the ground until then, isn’t going to do myself or the kids any good.

The theme for the rest of the week and into this weekend is selfcare.

I will say that I’m very much looking forward to our family night this Friday. We’re going to order pizza and probably watch another Godzilla movie in preparation for next months new Godzilla and Kong release. That’s the light at the end of my tunnel right now and I’m going to focus on that. ☺

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Nancy

You sound like the perfect dad for these kids. I have 3 adults kids now (yikes) and the one with autism is gonna be 25 this May. (cant believe that). But, her dad could not handle it. It was not good, we did have another child after her, but i ended up leaving when that child was not even 1. I tried. After i left, he saw both kids a handful of times for about 9 yrs, when he ran into a tree with his car. When he died, she was in 8th grade and that year was a wash. She had stims like crazy and the thing is, he was barely around anyways.
But, not sure where im going with this, lol, but You sound like such a great dad.(and writer as well!) Please give yourself a break, your kids are alive, safe and fed. That’s all you need somedays. Your good.
Things will get better. After 2020, things HAVE to get better! 🙂
Also..love your site. Im pretty new to it! Saw you on twitter!
~nancy

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