People don't fake they're depressed, they fake they're okay and I'm pretty good at doing that -

People don’t fake they’re depressed, they fake they’re okay and I’m pretty good at doing that


This is actually really sad but I’m in a place where I really want to celebrate every possible victory I can.

It’s been a long day. Emmett and I had somewhere to be in the morning. The information is currently under embargo, so I can’t talk about it yet, but it was a pretty cool experience. Aside from spending time with Emmett today, my claim to fame is that I shaved for the first time in over two weeks. That’s really sad but when you’re struggling with depression/burnout like I am right now, every single win counts.

Today took a lot out of me. I’m so exhausted and I just want to go to bed but all three of the kids are still wide awake.

They’re adjusting to a new routine and it’s one I wish wasn’t necessary for them to have to adjust to.

After countless attempts to address the issues, several lengthy discussions with the kids over the last few months, and a meeting with their therapist, it’s been decided that the kids will not be seeing or spending time with their mom, at least for the foreseeable future. I’m really hoping this is a temporary setback but we’ve been here several times before.

Unfortunately, this is what all the three of the kids are asking for, it’s deemed in their best interests, it’s ultimately my decision to make, and I made it. It sucks and I don’t feel good about this but I have to prioritize their mental health and wellbeing. I’m within my ability to do this. I truly hate having to make a decision like this, but it’s not the first time I’ve had to make it.

I know there’s probably divorced parents out there wishing they had the ability to do the same thing, be ause they’re angry with the other parent, but I promise you, it doesn’t feel good. It means far fewer, if any breaks, and for someone in my position, those breaks are really important. It also means that my kids are getting so much less than they deserve and that breaks my heart.

I don’t see this as a call for celebration. It’s a very sobering moment that forces me to recognize how truly alone I am, and how raising these kids falls entirely on my shoulders.

That’s a tough pill to swallow, even if I wasn’t depressed and struggling right now.

I keep coming back to this feeling that I need to sorta disappear (figuratively speaking) and spend the next six months hardcore focusing on building our lives. This means getting me back on my feet. Getting the kids adjusted to their new school. Helping Gavin find a job, social activities, and maybe even independent living. It means methodically going room by room and tackling projects around the house as often as possible. Some of this is largely dependent on financial stability, and that’s requires maintaining the business and continuing to grow.

I want to be able to look back as we’re entering the new year, and see how much progress I’ve made. I want to see me hitting my weightloss goal, and I want to see my kids happier.

There’s so much work that needs to be done and I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it. I really have to focus on breaking things down into smaller tasks, and then push myself to follow through.

Anyway, this is the direction I feel pulled in with increasing force. I know I can do this because I’ve done it before. This isn’t my first time around the block but it’s going to be hard. I mean, I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning sometimes.

Tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate, and a chance to make progress.

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