I wanted to point something out about depression, at least as it applies to me. When I find myself in a darker place, I don’t think I’ve ever had the urge to hurt myself, at least not that I can remember. When I’m struggling like I am, the struggle is not related to not wanting to live anymore. I struggle with things like getting out of bed, participating in life, focusing on the positive, getting to the gym, taking care of myself, sleeping, unhealthy eating, and a general loss of interest in many things I typically enjoy. Not everyone who’s dealing with depression will struggle with suicidal thoughts.
The reality is that we’re all different and experience things in different ways. There are plenty of people who will struggle with suicidal ideation, while dealing with those darker times in life, I just don’t happen to be one of them.
It’s so important that we’re paying attention when our loved ones are emotionally struggling because whether or not someone is thinking about hurting themselves, isn’t always apparent on the surface. Check in with them and you’re concerned, you can even flat out ask if they’re planning on, or thinking about hurting themselves.
Everyone is different, as are the demons we battle. Sometimes those demons can take us to some very dark places where we can think or do something we might not otherwise.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone reaching out to check on me. It’s very kind of you and I truly appreciate you.
The truth is that I’m definitely struggling as of late. I feel like I’m struggling for a million different reason but trying to express those reasons has proved difficult for me. I will say that when my kids are struggling, I struggle. When I’m spread too thin, I become overwhelmed very easily and while I typically manage this without much disruption to my life, this time has been a little different.
I feel like my legs have been knocked out from underneath me and getting back on my feet is proving to be more challenging than it has been historically.
At the end of the day, I’m doing what I need to reduce the demands on me. I’m putting down or letting go of things that are not absolutely mission critical. This hasn’t been easy to do but it’s necessary. I’m taking what resources I have and trying very hard to put back into myself, focus on my kids, and work. Beyond that, there isn’t much of me to go around.
I’m going through the motions and trying to keep myself moving. It’s not been easy but I’m doing the best I can and it will take as long as it takes. I’m reprioritizing my life right now in an effort to expedite this whole process and help to prevent it from happening again.
If it’s not related to my kids, work, or the dogs, chances are, it’s not on my radar, at least for right now. And you know what, that’s okay. I have always had a problem putting myself first in anything, but I’m currently working to change that.
I don’t know when I’ll reach the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel but I’m going to keep fighting through it. I have an appointment to see my doctor about medication changes and I’m looking for a new therapist. I’m walking the dogs everyday and trying to get more sleep. Focusing on work is giving me purpose, and I do feel good about the progress I’ve made.
For the moment, I’m writing more, and walking in the morning with my Mom. Both of these are very positive things and my goal is to build up from here.
Thank you for all the concern and please remember to check in on those in your life who may be going through a difficult time.