I gave myself one week to grieve the loss of my marriage and that week was officially over. While I’m not hitting the ground running, at least as quickly as I was hoping, I am moving forward.

In a little while, I have an appointment with my PCP over the phone, due to COVID. I’ve made the decision to talk to my doctor about increasing my antidepressant. The reason behind this is that I recognize that everything has taken a toll on me and while I’m not defeated, I’m also not in total control either. Depression is influencing me a bit more than I’m comfortable with right now, and frankly, it has been. The last couple of years have been difficult and I’ve been dealing with a lot. COVID has made everything worse and with no clear end in sight, I think it’s best that I call in the reinforcements.

Currently I’m on Wellbutrin and Prozac. My goal for today is to get my Prozac increased to 30/40mg a day. That’s a 10/20mg/day increase, so it’s not a huge change but it might be enough to give me some breathing room.

I know that might sound like a weird explanation but I’m basically looking to increase my depression buffer. I feel that with everything I have going on, I’m more vulnerable to my depression’s influence. For the most part I do okay but I can’t absorb a whole lot before I begin to sink. It’s kinda like living paycheck to paycheck, right? You might be able to tread water but a $500 emergency will sink you.

Increasing my Prozac should help me to be less vulnerable and assist me in maintaining balance. If we used the paycheck to paycheck analogy again, the increased dose will help me better absorb those unforeseen but often inevitable $500 emergencies.

Does that make sense?

The whole point is that I recognize a bump to my antidepressant could really be of benefit to me at this point. As I move forward on rebuilding my life, maybe I’ll be able to drop back down or possibly manage without the meds. For right now though, I feel this is the best direction for me to move in because my kids need the best version of me possible and I need help to give them that.

To be completely honest, I’m kinda excited about doing this because I really feel like I’m taking back control. That’s so empowering.

I hope this helps someone. If nothing else, it provides a bit more insight into my ongoing war with depression. We need to talk about mental health and do so without shame or fear of judgment.