It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. While this is the part where I usually apologize for that, I’m not going to do that anymore. The reason is because it ends up feeding this insane level of guilt that I feel for not writing and I need to stop that.
The truth is that I’m struggling a bit right now. Honestly, I’m struggling more than a bit right now. I don’t know why I try to downplay it.
I want to try and explain what I’m experiencing, as it might help someone else out there feel a little less alone.
I feel like I’m spread way too thin. The reality is that in some ways, I probably am, while in others, maybe not so much. I know that sounds weird but I’ll try to explain as best I can.
As you know, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD after a lifetime of not recognizing it for what it is. During the rather extensive process of testing, I also learned that my depression isn’t being managed well enough, and I need a medication adjustment. Something else I learned was that I show signs of PTSD, which makes sense, as I was diagnosed with it years ago.
I’m currently waiting for the final report to be sent to my primary care physician, so these medication changes can be implemented. I will also need to start medication to manage my ADHD symptoms. Honestly, I desperately need to start medication to better manage my symptoms. I don’t know why it feels so much worse now than during previous times in my life. The only thing that’s really changed is my knowledge and understanding of what makes me tick. Perhaps I’m paying more attention to it or I’m simply more aware, but it’s draining the life out of me.
Unfortunately, the kids have been going through a lot, and that always weighs heavy on me. I’m not going to go into their personal struggles right, but I do feel like I need to put more of my focus on them. I feel like I’ve dropped the ball, and whether or not there’s any truth to that, it doesn’t change how guilty I feel. I’ve been trying to do things that make me happy, and I worry that it’s come at too high a cost.
Gavin needs me to figure out everything so he can be more independent, and begin a new chapter in his life. I keep dropping the ball with him, and I can’t continue to do that. I get so distracted with work, and everything else going on in my life that I just forget. There’s no excuse for it, and Gavin deserves better from me.
…..and before you ask, the answer is no. For all practical intents and purposes, there is no offloading of any of these things to anyone else. They fall squarely on my shoulders. If and when something doesn’t happen, the blame is mine.
Emmett is going into mainstream high school in the Fall and I still have to get him registered. To be honest, it took me forever to get Elliott registered, and the idea of doing that is overwhelming. I know that sounds terrible, and believe me, I know how important it is that I get this done. I’m just explaining where I am right now.