I’ve been struggling to find myself. There have been so many changes in my life over the last few years and some of them significant. Some of these changes left me feeling lost and broken. I needed to rediscover who I am, and I’ve been on this journey trying too figure it all out.
Our identities can become wrapped up in the people and things we hold most dear. For me, I was a son, a fire fighter/paramedic, a husband, a special needs dad, a caregiver, a writer, amongst other things. Sometimes life throws us curveballs and can result in major life altering changes taking place. It doesn’t matter if we welcomed those change or if they were thrust upon us.
When we experience loss, significant change, or get too wrapped up on life, we can lose a sense of who we are. I mean who we are as an individual. We have to be able to adapt to change and sometimes in order to do that, we need to rediscover who we are.
The point is, that I’ve been trying to find myself for years. It’s impacted every area of my life and it’s even been impacting my writing. I don’t write anymore and I hate that. If I do manage to write something, it’s the way I used to write.
It can feel hopeless at times but it’s not. I promise you it’s not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and what that light is will be different for all of us. Our journeys will take us all down a different path but we have to embrace the journey. We have to be open to whatever it is and remember that while our destination may have changed, and we may have lost people along the way, we will always end up where we’re meant to be.
For me, I’ve found my light at the end of the tunnel. Life is good. Were is not for the journey I had to endure, I don’t think I would have been ready to embrace what my light is.
So much has changed.
Gavin is moving on with his life. We’re working with DD to help him get job training, build social skills, and gain independence. He’s doing really well and when it’s time for him to leave the nest, he’s going to be ready. He’s excited and nervous at the same time but we’re here to help him when he needs it.
Elliott and Emmett are doing great. They’re both in a new school and doing well. Elliott will be graduating early and entering the work force. He’s taking fencing lessons, which he’s wanted to do for many years, and while at the time of writing, he’s only had one class, he jumped in with both feet and wants more. Elliott’s building a social life and finding his way.
Emmett is loving his freshmen year in high school. My god, the time flies. He’s 14 years old now and has grown so much. He’s no longer that tiny little munchkin that used to ride on my shoulders. He’s making friends and even joined a youth group. He’s on schedule to graduate a full year early as well and he’s excited to build his own life.
The boys have all been through so much. Their mother is no longer in their lives and they’ve had lots of changes at school. I couldn’t be prouder of my boys. They’ve overcome so much and while there is still work to do, we’ve made it this far together. All three of them are amazing humans and better than me in every way. I wish there was a little less sibling bickering but that’s all just part of life.
As for myself, I’ve come such a long way. I know much better who I am and I’m learning more about myself every single day. The business is going great and I’m in a relationship with someone who, knowing all the challenges, has chosen to climb down into the trenches with me so we can do life together. She’s helping me navigate all the business stuff and everything that Gavin needs to gain his independence. I’m gaining a much needed shift in perspective, and I’ll go into that at a later date, but it’s helping me be a better father. We’re a team and life is just better together. I’m incredibly happy, grateful and looking forward to all the adventures we have planned and even the ones we’ll stumble across along the way.
I wanted to get you all caught up. I’ve been struggling with writing for so long because I wasn’t being true to myself. I was trying to meet expectations and that’s just not me. From now on, I’m going to focus on writing about what I want to write about, and do it in a way that best represents me. I’m going back to my roots and that’s something I’m really excited about.
Thank you all for sticking with me as I figured this stuff out. I appreciate each and every one of you.