I’ve been meaning to talk about this for a while because I think we should be open and honest about this. Here we go.
I’ve been very focused on Gavin transitioning into adulthood. He’s almost 23 years old, and this has been a long time coming. It’s also been met with several delays, mainly due to COVID.
Anyway, one of the things I struggled with was admitting that Gavin moving out was in everyone’s best interests. It’s in Gavin’s best interest, but it’s best for the rest of us as well. This is where I’ve struggled emotionally with this whole thing.
Gavin is among the most amazing humans I’ve ever known, but he’s not always easy to coexist with. His behaviors can be overwhelming and very frustrating for me as well as his younger brothers. This isn’t anything against Gavin because frankly, we drove him crazy as well. Hence the whole it’s best for everyone involved thing.
Here’s the thing. Moving him out of the house has felt like he was being sacrificed for the good of everyone else. I know that’s not the case, and I also understand that this is absolutely what he wants, but as a parent, it’s not always easy to parse those feelings.
I can totally relate and I’m right there with you! My non verbal son is 27 and we are looking for his forever home. My husband and I are not getting any younger and I know the time will come when we will be gone and he will be leaving his life without us. That being said trying to find the right placement for him has been a real struggle down here in southern Florida. given the fact he’s nonverbal. It’s even harder to know if I’m eating what he wants and what he needs or just trying to figure it out based on what I think. Like you, I don’t want him to feel unwanted or abandoned, but I know if we don’t address this now I don’t want to have to do it during a period of crisis. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best. Know your are not alone on this one.
Hi Rob, well its been a year now since we moved our son who was 18 at the time into a place of his own of course with constant care. Our son developed the fight or flight reaction to life when things got too overwhelming for him as he hit his teenage years. He often would run away from home or school having the police go out and look for him or follow him home. As he got older and bigger he became harder to handle. Covid happened and sent him into a reclusive lifestyle barring himself in his room. So the decision was made after he graduated and things were not working out with the school system to move him into an apartment with a local organization for people with disabilities. Its been very hard here as the organization has a hard time understanding him and how to convince him of getting involved in activities outside of his home. He is stuck playing electronics in his home every day. So we are now trying to decide what our next approach is. Trust us this whole moving out thing was a very hard decision but was needed. But now still trying to understand what he wants or can handle right now is difficult to say the least. We have one other son who is also on the spectrum and is graduating this year. So now we are faced with more decisions. Fortunatly he is not faced with the same difficulties as his brother with behaviour issues but still has obstacles to overcome. sounds like you are doing a great job with your boys and wish you the best. Just letting you know, you are not alone in this.
best of luck.
Our son is 27 now but we also started his “Interdependence Journey” when he was 23. It was a long process with lots of planning.
preparing him (and us ) at home for the expectations and “chores” he would need to do when on his own. We had a “helpful book”of safety rules etc. The first year we eased into it one step at a time. Each year holds new objectives.
Honestly please so not feel guilty. We all have a far better relationship now than we did when we lived together as adults. We had a very good relationship don’t get me wrong but it was time. It was good for him; our daughter and me.
He is proud of his achievements now and feels
better about himself and his future. His confidence has improved and he is more willing to try new things. Don’t get me wrong. There are still tough days. But we get through them.. we keep supports in place. We can now begin to see what his life will be like when we are gone. We still have work to do and will always worry but take the leap if you can, it will be worth it!