I’m so stressed out that I’m feeling sick to my stomach. Truthfully, I’d be sick to my stomach anyways cause of this stupid Paxil withdrawal but stress makes it so much worse.
Rather than continually being swallowed up by the negative, I’m working to focus more on the blessings and here are a few examples of what I mean.
It’s all about perspective and the following are things weighing very heavily on me but there are hidden blessing in each situation. ☺
Our house sucks and the neighborhood is dangerous, but we have a roof over our heads. There are people out there who don’t even have that.
The car is literally rusting through, falling apart, no longer worth fixing and is too small to fit everyone without causing problems. We can’t afford to replace it and that’s a huge source of stress for me. That said, it still gets us from point A to point B and that helps us maintain self-sufficiency. Plus the ear piercing squeal it makes is an advanced warning to all the feral cats in our neighborhood. No more close calls or almost hitting them cause they just lay in the middle of the road. ☺
I’m nauseous all the time since stopping Paxil completely and that makes an already challenging life, that much more challenging. At the same time, the Paxil related weight gain is beginning to reverse itself and my resting heart rate is dropping as well. I’m feeling better each day and writing is becoming easier. ♥
This blog is currently banned from Facebook again because a certain someone continues to report everything I do as offensive or spam. This is crippling my ability to provide for my family. On the other side of the coin, Facebook recently Verified my profile and that’s quite an accomplishment because they don’t just hand those out. Plus, Facebook will review the reports and restore my posts and unblock my url because I’ve done nothing wrong. It just takes a few days. We could all use a few days away from Facebook. ☺
Financially, we take a major hit, each and every time this person attacks my Facebook account and gets me banned. This blog is my main source of income. I’ve been stressing out over past due bill but thankfully, I’ve been able to make arrangements with our utilities and we won’t be losing them for the time being. That’s a huge blessing and it brings with it, enormous relief. We’re together, have food on the table and a roof over our heads. I’d say that’s pretty lucky.. ☺
Gavin… I can’t see or think about him without my heart breaking and tears forming. I’ve raised him as my own since he was a year old. I’ve adopted him, so he is my own and I don’t see him any differently than I do Elliott or Emmett. I’ve been there for everything and I’ve stood with him, trying to be strong, every time we’ve received devastating news about his health. I have to live with the knowledge that each day could his last because something happens and we are powerless to help.
It’s really hard to find positive in this because I can’t even write that without crying.
HOWEVER, if I focus too much on those fears, no matter how valid they are, I’ll miss out on the time we still have with him. We don’t know a time frame but we know the prognosis isn’t good. At this moment in time though, he’s still here driving me crazy.. ☺
He’s still talking my ear off about his video games, what he wants to eat for lunch or what he did on his latest mission to save the Universe. Yes, he Schizophrenic as well as truly believes these things happen.
Rather than get hung up on my much time we have left (God willing, it could be decades), I want to take advantage of today.
I’ll never lose sight of the reality but it’s a forest for the trees kinda thing.
I’m not saying this is easy because I’d be lying if I told you it was. It’s all about adjusting my perspective. I won’t always be able to see the positive because I’m human and some of these things are extremely painful.
If I get swallowed up by all the negative things in my life, I won’t be what my kids need.
All I can do is the best I can. I’m far from perfect and I’m still a fixer at my core. My goal is to stay in the present as much as I can and make as many positive memories as possible along the way.