I know what the reality is when it comes to Gavin’s future and it absolutely crushes me. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat and carry his burden as my own. I’ve prayed for that so many times for this to happen, but it’s like noone is listening. Why do I deserve to be healthy and Gavin suffer?
Lizze and I have both done everything possible to unearth anyone or anything that may be able to help Gavin. Every single test has been done and expert consulted. All we’ve ever really received along the way was more information that broke our hearts.
I know that it’s not possible for things to get better. I know that the outcome is a forgone conclusion. What we don’t know for certain is a time frame. Every day I wake up with the knowledge that I will most likely outlive my son and that absolutely kills me.
Hope is an amazing thing and I absolutely admire those who have it, including my wife. Hope requires a strength that I’m simply no longer in possession of. I hate that about myself and I wish hope was something I could maintain but I no longer know how.
I’m in a place where having hope has hurt me so many times that I’ve hardened myself in order to keep from breaking. I tell myself that I’m better off being prepared for the inevitable outcome, whenever it arrives and having hope will only serve to make that outcome more painful.
Maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong.
What I do know for sure is a father should never lose hope, especially when it comes to his children. What does that say about me?