I spent this session just bringing him up to speed and I didn’t realize how much shit I’ve been through.
There were many things brought up but two of them were the most difficult.
The first thing that eats away at my soul is Gavin. Having to watch him continually decline and struggle in pretty much every aspect of his life is killing me. This is a rabbit hole for a different day though.
I’ve never spoken to anyone about the second thing because very few people would ever understand. This has to do with my time as a firefighter/paramedic.
Some of the things I’ve experienced as a paramedic especially, have scarred me in many ways. I don’t want to go into details but while I’ve literally saved countless lives over the thousands of runs I’ve been on, it’s the ones that I couldn’t save that stay with me.
I can remember the faces of every person that I couldn’t save. It’s the children though that truly haunt me.
There are three calls in particular that broke me. Between my back injury, the need for me to be home and simply not being able to take anymore, I quit.
One of these involved an elderly gentleman who had been fighting with his wife because she called 911 and he didn’t want to go to the hospital. The last words he said to her were in anger and before he passed away, he told me to tell his wife how sorry he was and that he loved her. I was never able to do that because we had to leave before she arrived.