Dealing with Divorce: This was bound to happen at some point

The boys came home from their Mom and Grandparent’s today.  It’s wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, at least at first. 

Their Mom pulled me aside and informed me that Emmett sat on her lap crying, saying that he wanted to live with her and visit me every other weekend. 

Okay. Deep breath.

That’s probably pretty normal right? Tell me that’s normal!!!

The moment I heard those words, my heart sank.  I start wondering what I’m doing wrong and generally panic. 

Here’s the thing.

First of all, I have to take what I’m told with a grain of salt. That’s an established fact. It’s not about anyone being dishonest but rather the accuracy in which the events are recalled and then presented.

I don’t doubt that he said something like that but I don’t know the context or what prompted him to say it.

Secondly, he’s a kid who misses his Mom and doesn’t see her that often.  I have nothing to do with that and the frequency in which she sees the kids is not something I have any control over. 

Thirdly, I’m having an emotional reaction to something that A) can never happen and B) are words spoken by a 7 year old little boy who still wants his Mom to move home. 

That being said, I just need to roll with the punches so to speak. 

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I did talk to Emmett about it and told him that while that can’t happen, I understand where he’s coming from. He knows I’m not mad that he said that.  I told him it was pretty normal for him to feel that way from time to time and that he should always remember that he can talk to me about it. 

The truth is, I don’t think he really wants to do that.  I think he just misses his Mom and that’s completely understandable. 

It’s the heartbreaking reality that the boys and I live in.  These things are going to come up and we’ll have to work through them as they do. 

There’s no fix for this as things are the way they are for a reason and there’s very little flexibility, so to speak. 

I’m doing my best to remember that this is probably a normal thing for a kid in his situation and I can’t take this as a sign that I’m doing something wrong…

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11 Comments

  1. Karalyn Fett

    I think you’re right. I honestly think this is just a missing his mother thing and he thinks living with her would fix everything. Poor baby. I do feel for the younger ones so bad </3

  2. Darcy Dallin

    So here’s the judging you don’t like. Yes, it’s normal and yes you CAN control it. Mom can control it to. This is what I don’t understand and you keep saying it’s not relevant but it is. Unless mom is physically & mentally unstable enough to have her kids, say every weekend as such, WHY cant mom?? Why is their little flexibility?
    Yes, maybe mom was unstable in the past, but you need to move on & work towards forgiving & change slowly & small or at least allow the boys to. Did you explain to Emmett why he can’t spend more time with his mom? Yes he is a little boy who wants control over his life, so please even explain it to me how you would explain it to a child, why at least Emmett can’t spend more time with his mom? I’m not even talking overnights here. An extra evening a week or so to start small. I keep asking you why the boys can’t get more one on one time with mom, but you never say. (And no it’s not the moms ‘story to tell’, if you’re gunna ‘talk about her’ in your blog in how it relates to the boys, you can’t just give the bits n pieces you want & say you have no control).
    I still don’t understand your whole you “have nothing to do with that & the frequency in which she sees the kids is not something I have any control over.” Why can this never happen?
    Unless there was actual physical & emotional abuse by mom (and that seemed more geared to Gavin), did a judge order mom to have limited & supervised visits with the kids cuz she’s “unstable”? Does Lizzie need supervised visits? She lives with her parents for now, so maybe even the grandparents want to spend more one on one time with each boy. It would also allow you more time to rest.
    I didn’t think mom worked because of her “issues/problems” in life, but can’t she just go to court & say she wants more time with the boys? Would you really fight that, so the boys & their mom can’t work on their relationship? Yes, I get it, mom was an awful person. People, with the right therapy & even medications can ‘fix’ themselves. Maybe mom needs more time with her boys to heal to? I mean, once again (yes this is your blog), you put your side of the story & discount what Lizzie & Emmett said & say, “taking things with a grain of salt” & not “accurate”. Did Lizzie tell you what she told Emmett, if she said anything at all?
    Sorry if you didn’t like any of this, or if I didn’t say it right or if it is too harsh for you. Sorry I’m soo blunt. It’s just the way I am when you contradict yourself & I don’t understand, maybe every one else understands better.

    1. Karalyn Fett

      I really don’t find this fair at all. This insight in to his day to day is a privilege and I feel people often forget that you DON’T see what else happens that isn’t written about. Regardless, nothing has to be explained to you as it isn’t your family to figure out. They are going to do what is right for them and what is ultimately the best for their children. Lizzie walked away, Lizzy left everything in his hands. Yes, she is their mother and I would absolutely never support hearing someone was trying to part a mother from it’s child, but the fact of the matter is that Rob is the primary caregiver now and he makes the decisions. Decisions I’ve never seen to be unfair or unreasonable. I feel he still bends over backwards for a person who is extremely undeserving. This is flawed coping. This is a little boy who misses his mother’s constant presence and doesn’t have the connections necessary to figure out how his life can be balanced in separate homes at the moment. This is why divorce with children, let alone special needs children, is hard. How do you explain these things to a child without having them feel as if it’s somehow their fault? You manage. Which I’m sure they both already have or fully intend to. It is their story to tell on their own terms. And if either of them decide not to tell you shit, then that’s what you get. Because, again, outlets like this are a privilege, not a right. I feel like they both have more than enough on their plates without outsiders judging their every step. Is parenthood not hard enough as it is in that aspect?

      1. Thank you Karalyn,

        I open myself up to judgment by sharing the way I do. I totally get that. I also get that there are obvious gaps in information. I’m very open about that. Those gaps are necessary to ensure my kids don’t learn anything about their Mom that they don’t need to know, at least not until they’re older.

        When you read this blog, you need to accept that these things are part of the deal.

        It’s not easy to try and share what I do and be as careful as I am with the words I choose to use.

        No matter how I personally feel about her, she is the Mother of my children. I would never do anything to hurt her, even after all of this.

        While she’s not the same person I married and spent half my life with, she’s still the boys Mother.

        I’m not the one limiting visits. In fact, I spent a large part of the last year and a half, trying to increase participation and time spent with the kids.

        All I did was drive myself crazy.

        I’ve learned to accept that things are the way they are. I’ve learned to accept that she is the way she is. All I have left to do is make the best of a situation that I can’t control.

        I’ve been charged with ensuring the best interests of the boys, regardless of what that entails.

        The divorce paperwork gives me final say in everything.. I take that very, very seriously and with any luck, I’ll never have to use that card.

        As I keep saying, the only victims here are the boys. Yes, my world was ripped apart as well but I’m an adult, I can cope with that. The boys have had their world ripped apart and they have to not only deal with the divorce but also adjust to a Mother who’s had a massive personality change.

        It’s not fair period but I’m making the best out of it. It’s hard for me to see her and know that she’s not the same person I fell in love with but I’ve learned to accept it and love forward.

        Thank You so much for your continued support. I truly appreciate it Karalyn….

    2. Darcy,

      You seem to feel like Lizze is a victim. She’s not. I’m not stopping visits, this is all she wants, it’s all she can handle.

      You cannot use your personal situation and assume that it applies here.

      I haven’t contradicted myself, you take things out of context and twist them.

      You clearly don’t have a grasp in this situation because you can’t accept that there are just somethings you aren’t going to have knowledge of.
      I’m trying very hard to explain a very complex situation without disrespecting the Mother of my children.

      I assure you, the only victims here are the kids.

    3. Here’s the great thing about character and integrity… when a person practices these traits, they choose not to share all of the details. It’s not his place to tell. It may be part of the story, but a part that is private….PRIVATE. You seem like you are trying to understand, maybe as a way to make sense into your own situation, but it is unfair of you to expect full disclosure on things he has chosen not to share. This shows respect to the cchildren’s mother, as well as his kids.

  3. Jimmy Rock

    One other thing- it sounds like you’ve handled everything right as far as Emmett’s comments (sorry- although you understand where it’s coming from it has to be hard to hear that), but what did the boys’ mom say to Emmett when he said that? Her response could either have been very helpful (echoing what you told him) or something potentially damaging or confusing to him. I hope for Emmett’s sake she handled it right.

    This is very tricky stuff…

    1. Now that you mention it, I don’t know what she said. I don’t believe that she would say something, at least intentionally, to make things worse.

      She loves the kids. I never question that. The rest I have to take with a grain of salt.

      I should probably ask her what she said.

      1. tannawings

        I truthfully would ask her what was happening at the time. Was she herself upset? Was she just snuggling? Did it come out of the blue or was there a conversation? Was it just her and him or were there others around? I mean you dont have to ask right away, but it would help you know what the context was. It could have confused the heck out of him. Maybe she said she missed them (normal) and that was his response. Kids sometimes feel responsible for splits and his esteem has been kind of low. re: he underestimated himself at school. I am sure he is fine, but it would be good to know so you can be supportive or put a stop to it if its harmful.

  4. tannawings

    Completely normal. he was with her snuggling on her lap. He just wants to be loved, and he loves his Mom, nothing wrong with that. He said what was in his heart that moment. I have to echo Jimmy’s concern in how did she handle it though? If she is unstable, perhaps this might be something to address in a family therapy session if she is willing to participate.
    The kids have to know as much as they are able why they are with you and why their time with their Mom is limited to what they have. If they can understand their Mom is ‘sick’ (I say sick only because you cant hit a 7 year old with the words mentally ill and have them get it) perhaps it would be easier.
    Poor little tyke, he might have even said it to make her feel better. Its hard telling in what context it happened since you werent there.
    But yeah, thats normal, and you handled it right. Heck, it may not have even been those exact words he used it may be a partial fabrication or wishful thinking on her part knowing it can never happen. Who knows

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