Honesty Post: The truth about how raising my 3 kids with #Autism alone really feels

This is one of those posts where I’m basically letting you inside my thought process as I deal with things that are happening in my life.  Nothing said here is meant to be taken as hateful or mean spirited towards anyone.  I’m simply trying to work through some things and this helps.  If reading this helps someone going through something similar, that’s even better…

I’ve been very open and honest about my newly embarked upon, single parenting journey.  I’m actively taking the high road, even if not everyone can see that from where they’re sitting. This direction I’m taking is a choice and one I don’t take lightly.

At the same time, I think it’s important that I not give the impression that I’m somehow immune to all the bullshit that goes on behind the scenes…..and trust me, the bullshit can runneth deep.

While I’ve made my active focus, solely my three boys and only working towards what’s best for them, I’m still human.

Being human means that I’m subject to these things called emotions, regardless of how dedicated I am to remaining positive. Feeling hurt, angry, frustrated or resentful, are all emotions that sometimes rear their ugly heads, at least to some degree. Feeling these emotions is absolutely normal and probably one of the only things in my life, I can say that about.  lol

Read This  My son with #Autism will no longer wear shoes

The truth is, I feel things (I’m not a robot) and it’s not easy to both embrace these feelings and still not allow them to impact my decisions.

This past week has been particularly rough for me because the boys were home for five straight days, a few of which, I was dealing with at least one sick kiddo. Gavin’s doing so well but he’s manic and won’t stop talking.  As grateful as I am for his ability to speak, it’s absolutely exhausting and frankly, could truly be a form of torture.

Elliott and Emmett have been at each other’s throats.  The fighting, screaming and drama,  really took its toll on me.

Through all of this, I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and at times, extremely frustrated. 

All I could think about in those moments where life got the better of me was, where the fuck is the other half of this parenting duo? Believe me when I say, I know what anger and resentment feels like because I was very much reminded over the last few days.

I absolutely understand that nothing about this is fair for the boys or me. I totally get it.

That being said, I have to stop and remind myself that nothing about this is ever going to be easy. Regardless of the struggle and heartache, the boys are still better off..  That’s a tough pill to swallow, in and on itself but it’s the truth.

Read This  I feel guilty tonight :(

Valentine’s Day was one of those moments where life got the better of me.  As I put the entirety of the situation into perspective, I found myself heartbroken because I know that my wife is with someone else and we aren’t even divorced yet.. I’m sitting at what used to be our home, raising our kids, trying to hold life together for them and she’s living a new one as though none of us exist.

I’ve put some distance between myself and February 14th. I’m not losing sleep over that but I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t hurtful. I’m not sure how else to even describe something like that but I guess fucked up works…

Life is a journey and this part of the road is really bumpy for the boys and I but I have no doubt we will persevere in the end. ☺

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  1. Alyssa Rogers Williams

    The way you’ve elucidated here your painful feelings in a thoughtful way sans lashing out is what is so admirable. Your writing has truly evolved and while it is no fun to see a friend or virtual friend via blog in pain, I think it’s important your feelings are rightfully validated. There’s no like button on Disqus for the post itself so …..two thumbs up.

    As an aside about the corporate holiday known as Valentine’s, my husband and I boycott it, lol. We give our daughter something but I’ve never been happier that lower (elementary) school is over with the obligatory valentines to bring. I know it’s a cultural one, but it’s a bad ” holiday” that makes singles of all ages feel somehow unworthy. I have a ton of single friends I told the same thing….one stupid day doesn’t measure your self worth in any capacity. It’s like New Yesr’s Eve reveled are mainly rookies. The partying vets know to avoid rube night, haha.

    Yeah, your former wife is moving on (for now), but you had the luck of three Valentine’s children who need and HAVE their Dad. That’s love. That’s love shown daily in all that you do, the thankless tasks to the cuddling and hands on REAL parenting.

    Don’t give in to negatives, I know it must be hard . You are so much better off, it’s just societal things such as this made up day for consumerism with no meaning that can bum people out …my husband does a million things daily that top chocolates and roses, I’ll take that every time over essentially meaningless tripe.

    Glad you vented a little,,that’s got to help. 🙂

  2. tannawings

    The boys sound like typical boys. Granted Gavin is in a talkative state, but the other two going for each other is pretty normal behavior. They are boys, they do that, thank goodness you dont have 3 girls you would be over the edge.

    Yeah, most of this sucks, but like Alyssa mentioned, holidays like Valentines Day is over hyped. I have been married 30 years, the first few we did it, but for more years than I can count we just say Happy Valentines Day, and go out and buy the clearance chocolates ha!

    Dont let the ‘bad’ stuff take over. Get that darn divorce done, and keep on going.

  3. pegster999

    Yes it’s hard. It’s not fair. I’ve been doing this by myself well over 5 years. At this point I have a system down with my sons. They are 13 and 10 years old now. Their father is dead. He isn’t coming back. I have to accept that. Even when he was here I was on my own with the kids. Valentines Day is another day at this house. This all don’t come overnight but in time it will.

    1. Alyssa Rogers Williams

      Very sorry for your loss. My first husband passed when he was 33, I wa 32. (No children) and now that I’m happily remarried with a child I cannot imagine your pain. Best wishes @pegster999.

  4. Kim Gebhardt

    Taking the high road can sometimes be the hardest way to travel, but at the end of it you come away with the knowledge that you didn’t sink to a level that is undignified and unbecoming. That said, I have to ask about Valentine’s Day and the divorce. I understand that you can’t control by your ‘wife’ spending a day created for lovers with her new boyfriend, but I am really curious why the divorce hasn’t been finalized. From what you’ve said, the last part of it was that you needed to save up the money to take a parenting class and then it would be done. Why aren’t you moving in that direction? I’m assuming you got your taxes back because it’s been raining money in the Gorski house with new tablets and Chromebooks… what about the parenting classes? My apologies if you’ve already taken care of it, but you generally write about everything going on and I haven’t seen anything about the classes.

    The major point behind my post is that you are one of those types who, until the papers are final, you still consider Lizze your wife. And while that is legally the case, she hasn’t been your wife since she walked out the door. Letting go of that label and the idea of ownership that comes with it would probably be very freeing for you. Also, I’ve mentioned it before, but have you sought out a therapist for you? And not Dr. Pattie. I recognize that you like her and she knows your story, but you need someone just for you. Not you and the boys, but you.

    1. Alyssa Rogers Williams

      Kim gets to the nuts and bolts, lol…but she’s spot on…….about therapy and the divorce….the minute that divorce is final many issues will disappear, especially that invisible “she is technically my wife thing” . Seriously, every spare cent should go to getting that done. I know it’s hard in a world of bills, doctors and living expenses, but I think you’d be amazed at the load off (emotionally) that would be.

      I did a quick search and though I’m not sure of the particulars, it’s in your area averaging only $45. I also noticed some in your county you could do online, that’s probably your best option given you’ve little time. Check out this one: http://www.online-class-parenting-divorce.com/parenting-classes-ohio-canton.php (that was cheapest I saw, not sure what the online one cost.

      You can also use county services and new lawyers or paralegals to type up the correct form and verbiage you want to include. Those services in TX are free to nothing to sliding scale based on income.

      We are all hoping you can finalize. Until that’s done, you’ll be on this hamster wheel forever.
      Fingers crossed that this gets the checkmark,,DONE! 🙂

      I just realized she left over a year ago and there weren’t extensive assets and the child custody has been agreed to. One of my good friends is married to Dallas’ highest profile divorce attorney, huge firm. I can get some tips for you.

        1. Alyssa Rogers Williams

          I’ve looked, no email yet, I checked both, and they’re working.

          . In the meantime I hit the jackpot, my legal eagle friend knows divorce/dissolution lawyers in OH and when one party does this , they cannot keep doing it, a big time frown from the court & you’ll have to make it a divorce but can do an “agreed divorce” which is very cheap. The time that has dragged on has made the dissolution way a farce and now may not be possible. The feet dragging is yet another control issue by someone with ZERO control, trying to create some. It’s been over a year! You said you’d agreed on everything so…

          I have some company recommendations that will do this; serve her, fill out the paperwork with the same exacts wording you wanted in the dissolution and if she doesn’t respond, you’ll be granted a divorce, basically. Legally, she can’t keep dragging and your hands won’t be tied. . I’ll wait to get your email & also send the info. Will be late or in the morning, heading out w/my husband this evening,

  5. Super quick because I’m stretched kinda thin today.

    I didn’t get to read the entirety of the comments but I get the jest.

    Money is not a factor in the delay. She dragging her feet and frankly, I’m sorta at her mercy because it’s a dissolution and I can’t file that alone. I’d have to go down the road of divorce, which will be expensive and time consuming.

    I’m unsure of the motives behind this dragging of the feet but as I’m writing this, I’m feeling kinda angry because she shouldn’t be aloud to control my life to this extent.

    Even if I did the parenting class on my own, if she’s not moving on anything, the process is stalled…

    I don’t want to think that this is all about power or control but sometimes I can’t help but wonder. I’m not stupid but you have to understand that I tend to always see the good in people and I’m trying to replace 15 years of what I thought was very positive time spent, with whatever has happened to her.

    It’s tough to reconcile….

    All I can do is continue to put pressure on her to get this done.

    To be completely honest, most of the time it falls off my radar because I’m dealing with everything else…

    1. Kim Gebhardt

      It’s probably not as expensive as you think to have someone draw up papers and serve her; you could probably even get a legal aid attorney to help. And honestly, now is the time. In 2 months, you won’t have the money. Right now you have it in hand. She can only hold the marriage hostage if you let her. Saying you’re at her mercy is BS. There are ways around an uncooperative spouse, you just have to be willing to put in the effort.

      Whatever good you saw in her is gone. She is no longer the woman you married, and this is just one more way of her playing the ‘fuck you’ game as a control tactic. Why she’s doing it isn’t even an issue. Take the control back and stop letting her have the upper hand over you. It really is that simple… take a page out of the Nike playbook and Just Do It.

      1. It’s hard to work around an uncooperative spouse when it’s suppose to be a dissolution. This not about the money, I mean that’s obviously a factor but it’s more about doing things in a way thats best for the boys and ensures I can protect them.

        Regardless of the delay, it’s still the best path to take. I get what you’re saying but I know how this has to happen and there are reasons far more important than money..

        1. Kim Gebhardt

          I understand that it’s supposed to be a dissolution, which is why I’m saying that if she’s not cooperating, filing for divorce is the next logical step. Sure it’s a more difficult path, but staying married isn’t helping anyone.

          I understand that you obviously know better than I do what’s going on between you and Lizze. I just really dislike people who bully others or use circumstances to hold them hostage. She has been in charge of you for 15 years, and you’re the only one who can make it stop.

    2. Alyssa Rogers Williams

      See my reply above too , divorce doesn’t have to be expensive nor time consuming, I have any attorney pals, that’s a myth. It’s only expensive if there are extensive assets and there are companies there in Canton that will serve her and fill out the forms with the dissolution language you agreed upon. Inexpensive and if she doesn’t respond you’re granted your divorce. There can be no feet dragging and the expense is similar to dissolution. You can also ( I got lots of free advice today) recoup your side of the expenses and she will be held liable for the delay. The firm will send that letter and usually Respndents sign pretty quickly when they know they’re on the hook for your legal fees, having to go this extra mile. They don’t care she’s jobless, they will bill her and take any money she gets, from anywhere. You don’t have to do that, but I just realized too when my friend said, “WHAT, over a year, no assets and still not divorced?!” . It’s so time and I am willing to give you some companies that CAN get this done.

      My attorney pal cynically said, typically the delay is just one last try at controlling, there comes a time when being cooperative is just letting yourself be exploited. Using a hardball method won’t hurt the kids any more than they’ve already been scarred. Once it’s over maybe some true normality can enter all of your lives. No crazy bans, no dictating, no untruths. Okay, gotta run, look forward to hearing from you!

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