What I’ve experienced since hearing the words “I want a divorce” PT 2

When my wife left on October 14, 2014, it absolutely shook me to the core. 

I was completely blindsided and never would have believed that the things that took place, would have ever taken place.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I thought we were happy.  I was happy and I would have remained that way until the day I died. 

Unfortunately, my 11 year marriage ended on that day and a 15 year relationship that I cherished more than anything in the world (aside from my kids) was just over. 

I experienced so many emotions in those first few months.

At first, I simply couldn’t believe or accept that any of this had actually happened.  I felt like I was in a never ending nightmare and I was just waiting to wake up. 

In my case, there was never any , despite my efforts to make that happen.  When she left, she never looked back.  That was probably the toughest part for me to process because it went from love letters on our anniversary that month prior, to I no longer meant anything. 

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None of it made any sense.  It still doesn’t make any sense. 

What makes my situation a little unusual is that I’m now raising our three kids alone.  I don’t get any help, either emotionally or financially and while that’s not right on any level, it’s not something I’m choosing to address.  People are always sharing their opinion on that but honestly, that will be addressed when the gets finalized.

I’m not sure if having the kids full time made this harder or easier for me. 

To tell you the truth, I think it’s a little of both.  Having the kids to worry about, keeps me distracted and focused on what’s most important.  At the same time though, having the kids full time makes the grieving process so much harder to go through because I’m never alone and I need to be careful with what I allow my kids to see.

I think I’ve experienced a complete spectrum of emotions over the last year and a half.  At first there was absolute shock, denial and disbelief.  After that, I was devastated and desperately trying to figure out what went wrong, so I could fix it and save my marriage.

Desperation soon turned into heartache.  I stopped sleeping and eating.  There was absolutely no life in me, accept for what I needed to do for my kids.

Then of course, there was time spent begging her to come home. 

After awhile, I began to adjust.  The boys and I started to move forward and began to realize that while the situation was tragic because clearly, I missed something along the way.  I missed the signs that things were changing.  On the other hand, maybe I didn’t miss anything and this just sorta happened.  Either way, the end result is the same. 

Having said that, I still struggle.  I struggle every single day with this vast emptiness inside of me that I can’t fill with anything else. I still struggle with the boys who are still struggling to comes to terms with everything, including who their Mom has become. 

After all this time however, things have also gotten easier in many ways. 

I’m on a more solid footing and the boys are doing better during their twice a month overnight visits with their Mom.  That’s a pretty big deal because that was a major struggle for a long time.

Nothing is perfect but I’m adjusting to life alone with my kids and frankly, there’s time that I really appreciate not have to focus on anyone but them. 

At the end of a the day, I think I will be the one to come out on top, not that I have ill wishes for anyone, cause I don’t.. I just feel that having my kids full time is an absolute blessing and clearly the best thing that could have come from something like this. 

Life has been, currently is and always will be,  a work in progress.

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  • Kim Gebhardt

    I’m curious if you have taken responsibility for your part in leaving. I’m not pointing fingers or judging you, but I am a firm believer that it takes two to make or break a relationship. This applies not only to marriage, but to friendships, work, family… pretty much all relationships. I understand that mental illness plays a part in your , but I think you’re going to have a very, very hard moving past this or finding peace with it until you accept your role in it. And until you do that, you won’t be able to move forward and find a new person to have in your life.

    • Kim,

      I’m not even close to perfect but I never did anything but love and support her. We rarely ever fought and frankly, nothing ever happened to warrant any of this. Her own therapist was completely floored when she left.

      If I knew what, I was guilty of, I wouldn’t have been doing it in the first place.

      Sometimes it only takes one person. Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not and wouldn’t pretend to be. That said, nothing ever happened and I would own up to anything I did. The only things I’ve been told I did, I know for a fact simply weren’t true. Even if they were, they shouldn’t have impacted this in this way.

      Part of why it’s so hard for me to move forward is because truly don’t know what happened.

      None of this makes any sense, especially considering that I was the only one she left. She walked away from her entire life and basically just started over.. Including my entire , most of whom she’s has spoke with since. That’s weird because everyone was extremely close.

      I truly have nothing to hide and if you read back, I’ve already shared the things I was accused of. None of which are anything major.

      This is one of those situations where even our long time family therapist has said that I will likely never know what really happened.

      I know that doesn’t really answer your question but I’m not having any of my answered either and I need to just accept that..

      Kim, you don’t have to agree and that’s okay but it’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve driven myself to the brink of insanity trying to figure out what happened. There are theories but that’s it…

      Thank You, https://www.theautismdad.com

  • Ellen

    Sometimes it is only one person, sometimes stuff doesn’t make sense.
    I do wish though for your sake you get this completed. It might just be a piece of paper, but that paper will be something to look at, and know it is done. This is just my own opinion, but, you are stalling for the reasons in your post. You have to let it all go . The divorce is like a weight holding you down and holding you back. It is tough pulling that weight around all alone. She won’t be in a hurry, why should she? But you do…. right now all is well (or as well as it’s going to be) but minds can be changed sometimes for no reason as you well know.
    The boys are doing well, they are thriving in your care. I had never seen smile before in and you went from heartache to heartache. There is less of that although you still have your struggles.
    Keep your head up, and try not to let one person’s actions shape your life.

  • Kim Gebhardt

    *I’m trying a new post because replying is not working*

    Sadly, it almost always takes more than love and support, and ‘rarely fighting’ isn’t necessarily an indication of anything. I saw the list of things she was unhappy with, and while you don’t consider them to be major, she obviously did. That’s what I’m referring to when I mention taking responsibility. You might not see certain behaviors as problematic, but she did. She is certainly to be faulted for not bringing it up with you, but it’s like I said before… your way of living might be perfect for another woman, but it wasn’t for . She may have wanted to leave for years and didn’t because of the boys or no place to go or no money. Or maybe she was afraid of being alone and then met someone online and realized that she had a life outside that house or that the grass might be greener elsewhere. There are many reasons why people stay in relationships when they’re unhappy, and not to kick you when you’re down, but you are so wrapped up in being an that I can see you forgetting to nurture your marriage; likely because the boys took priority. This happens to parents all the time. They become Mom and Dad and forget that they are also husband and wife.

    I’m certainly not saying you drove her away or that you were a bad husband, but you need to pay attention to the reasons she gave you for leaving. They are a key and will be important for you to look at and
    understand and make peace with. Then maybe you can move forward.

    • Kim,

      The easiest way to reply to a comment is to literally reply to the email notification. That’s it’s. That’s all you have to do.

      As for your comment, I don’t disagree with your point. I will say that I never ignored her and was literally having to take care of her. It was very difficult to find a balance between meeting her impossible needs and still prioritizing the kids. We’ve always said that we would put the kids first.

      I don’t blame her for being overwhelmed, physically ill or emotionally troubled.

      At the same time, she made choices that are incompatible with marriage and those choices were within her control.

      Someone who was very close, mutual friend of ours (a life long friend of hers) told me right after this happened, that she thinks the boys Mother just couldn’t deal with all the stress and wanted to go back to a time before she had any responsibilities.

      If you stand back and look at the situation with as much objectivity as possible, that’s very much what she’s done. She has absolutely no responsibility and has basically wiped her own slate clean. She’s started over, more than once already and made some seriously irresponsible decisions that I had to bail her out of, if for no other reason than to protect the kids from stumbling across things they should never stumble across.

      I totally get what you’re saying and she’s actually said as much, at least to some extent. I firmly believe that the things she did complain about were just things she said to justify her desire to leave.

      Mental illness has played a huge roll in this but at the end of the day, I think she just couldn’t cope with life anymore.

      I don’t blame her for that either. Our life has been unfairly stressful and I’m very aware of that. If I absolutely had to guess, I’d have to say she simply reached her limit and this was about self-preservation. To be honest, I can understand too. I don’t think it justifies anything but it does provide some context.

      At the end of the day, everyone has a right to save themselves from drowning. My hope is that as time goes on, she’s able to better be there for the boys.

      People wonder why I’m not angry and the truth is that sometimes I am. I tend to be more understanding though because I see all the moving pieces and I’m aware that sometimes people have to do what they have to do, in order to survive.

      Unfortunately, for her to no longer be trapped in a life she either didn’t want or couldn’t cope with anymore, sacrifices needed to be made and even more unfortunately, the price of her freedom was paid by the kids. That’s had very serious ramifications on her relationship with them.

      It’s for the best. All I want for her is to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for her. I feel blessed to have my kids because I couldn’t function without them. I don’t know how to not see them everyday..

      Again, this is my best guess as to what happened. I don’t think it was really anything to do with me or the kids but rather our life as a whole.
      It’s not an easy life but there were other ways this could have been handled. There were other options that could have been explored. Life isn’t black and white but I guess to some people it appears that way….

  • Kim Gebhardt

    You’ve mentioned replying to comments via email before, but this email address is a throwaway and I don’t check it. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I remember the password. I’ve seen other people mention the new comment system too; it seems to be a problem for several of your readers and I wonder if that’s why there don’t seem to be as many comments as there used to be.

    • Interesting…. I’ve heard positive things. If you use a good email, you’ll get an email when someone replies to your comment and you can simply reply to the email….

      Thank You, Rob Gorski https://www.theautismdad.com