As it turns out, this isn’t allergies. I fear it’s something far worse and more nefarious than I could have ever imagined.
I’m reluctant to announce that I’m pretty sure that this is a worst case scenario situation. It’s a man cold and I’m not sure I’m gonna make it. The sneezing, stuffiness, headache, cough, sore throat and watery eyes, just might kill me.
The name ‘man cold’ disguises the true terrible, debilitating disease that is the man cold. Nearly all men will die from man colds unless they are administered immediately with large amounts of mindless TV such as daytime TV, or childrens’ cartoons. It is essential that they not move from bed or a comfy sofa to allow for rehabilitation, and must have tissues and man cold medicine (such as chocolate biscuits, McDonalds, or a nice cup of tea) brought to them constantly by a nearby female.
– The Urban Dictionary
Most of my readers are women and Mothers but there has to be a few guys out there who are reading this and understand the gravity of the situation I’m in.
In the event that I don’t make it, I wanted to say a few things and clear my conscience.
To my children, I’m sorry you have to watch me suffer through a Man Cold. Thankfully you’re young enough and most of you have at least a decade before having to face this awful virus that so cruelly makes your eyes water. We all know it becomes incredibly difficult to watch TV with watery eyes.
To my ex-wife, I’m sorry that I would lick all four corners of the pizza during our time together. I just really like corner pieces because the crust is, you know, perfect.
To anyone else I’ve wronged over my 37 years of life, I want to say that you should probably just go ahead and forgive me now because this is a Man Cold after all and you may not get another chance.
Adding insult to injury and I’m not looking for sympathy here, but the volume buttons on the remote control don’t work. I’m forced to leave the safety and mild comfort of the couch, to adjust the volume manually. It’s a solid 5 or 6 feet away and my eyes are watery. It’s cruelty in its purest form.
Man Cold, have you no mercy?
If you are unfamiliar with the term Man Cold, here’s a couple of videos to help you educate yourself..