I think I might need more help than I’m getting

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Like anyone else, I have good days and bad days. There are days where I feel like I’m taking life by the horns but there are other days where I feel like I’m being mercilessly gored by those same horns. 

The reality is that I do have quite a bit on my plate. Being stressed out isn’t an inappropriate response to what my life requires from me.

I started making a list of just the major things that I’m losing sleep over and these are in not particular order:

  1. I’m getting divorced and it’s become complicated 
  2. I’m raising 3 kids with very special needs on my own
  3. Gavin’s physical and emotional health is getting worse
  4. The boys are struggling with life in every way imaginable 
  5. Our beloved dog Maggie may have cancer and has emergency surgery this week to remove a large tumor from her shoulder 
  6. Money/Bills
  7. We desperately need to move because my kids don’t feel safe and for good reason
  8. I’m overweight and struggling to lose it 
  9. Depression
  10. I’m lonely, which I know sounds really lame

These are just the ones that are weighing on me pretty heavily right now. There’s a million more things to worry about but they sorta get drown out by the above list. 

I know that I’m really lucky because I have my kids 24/7 and I truly feel blessed as a result.

At the same time, I have my kids 24/7 and frankly, it’s exhausting in every possible sense of the word, as breaks are few and far between. I do get two 24 hour breaks a month and while it’s not nearly enough, it’s more than some people get. I always try to keep that in mind. 

Anyway, I’m battling depression and right now I feel like it’s totally kicking my ass. 

I don’t have a psychiatrist to manage medications for depression and I’m thinking that maybe I need to find one. I’ve been on Paxil for awhile through my family doctor but I might need more specialized help.

All things considered, I’m holding up really well but on the same token, I’m struggling.That being said, I have too much at stake to give up. My kids rely on me for absolutely everything and I’m not going to let them down.

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