I’m struggling a little bit tonight. Actually, I’m struggling a quite a bit tonight.
I’ve been trying to write this for a couple of hours now and I can’t seem to get things worded right.
We had a pretty good day and I honestly can’t complain, at least about the boys.
It’s no secret that I’m struggling to keep up with life and keep the boys and I above water. It’s not easy for a million reasons but I keep plugging away, hoping tomorrow will bring better things for us.
Contrary to what some may think, I work very, very hard to provide for my kids.
Aside from being a single parent to three boys with various special needs, a 24/7/365 caregiver for a son with fragile emotional/physical health, I actually do have a job.
The blog is getting to the point once again where it will begin paying for itself and also helping me provide for my kids. Thanks to everyone for helping make that happen.
My other job is something that I’ve been involved with for about 3 years now. It’s a tech startup that has to do with the GPS tracking of kids with Autism and adults with Alzheimer’s who wander.
Someday all this hard work is going to pay off and my kids will have a better life. I might even be able to help others the way people have helped me. That’s really important.
Until then, life will continue to be day to day and probably get a little messy from time to time.
I can live with that but it’s also something that I struggle with as well because until that time arrives, absolutely nothing comes easy.
This past year has taken its toll on myself and my boys, in many ways.
While Gavin’s a new kid, the other two are really struggling, each in their own way.
Elliott just breaks my heart because he seems so sad, all the time and there’s nothing that I can say or do to remove this burden from his tiny shoulders.
Emmett has lost all comprehension of what personal space is because he’s become somewhat of an additional extremity of mine.
Emmett’s always physically in contact with me if he’s home. I love snuggling my kids and I understand why he’s like this but sometimes I just want a hit of breathing room.
Elliott is going down a path that is not going well for him.
When Elliott goes to therapy with Emmett, he’s glued to Emmett’s therapists. They’re all women about my age. He gets hugs and positive attention from them and it’s become pretty clear that he’s desperately looking for things he no longer has.
This is when I start to get pissed off.
I don’t give a shit about what I’ve had to go through or what I’m still going through. I only care about what my kids are going through. .
Every single day, I get up and raise my kids the best I can. I do this on my own. I no longer have reinforcements where I should have reinforcements.
I get my ass kicked on a daily basis, just trying to keep everyone moving forward.
I don’t get to go anywhere or do anything fun. So when I come across things online and in the public forum mind you, that show how the other half has moved on, while the rest of us can’t, it really overwhelms me.
There are so many feelings rushing through me right now.
I’m hurt. I’m absolutely hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad and I feel truly awful for my kids. They deserve so much better than what I’ve been able to do for them over this past year.
There’s no one on this planet who can make me feel any worse about that than I already do.
I’m just overwhelmed and frustrated by life right now.
As my marriage draws closer to its final resting place, alot of this stuff is bubbling to the surface and when I stumble across information online, I’m reminded how truly alone I am…
I’m actually writing this post as I’m experiencing all the emotions and so I’m trying to be as tactful as possible.
Anyone that’s followed our story over the years can likely find what I came across tonight. I’m not linking to it because, I’m just not.
Anyway, I’m just venting and everything will look better in the morning…. ☺
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