I’m really struggling tonight

I’m struggling a little bit tonight.  Actually, I’m struggling a quite a bit tonight. 

I’ve been trying to write this for a couple of hours now and I can’t seem to get things worded right. 

We had a pretty good day and I honestly can’t complain, at least about the boys. 

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It’s no secret that I’m struggling to keep up with life and keep the boys and I above water. It’s not easy for a million reasons but I keep plugging away, hoping tomorrow will bring better things for us. 

Contrary to what some may think,  I work very, very hard to provide for my kids.

Aside from being a single parent to three boys with various , a 24/7/365 caregiver for a son with fragile emotional/physical health, I actually do have a job.

The blog is getting to the point once again where it will begin paying for itself and also helping me provide for my kids.  Thanks to everyone for helping make that happen.

My other job is something that I’ve been involved with for about 3 years now.  It’s a tech startup that has to do with the GPS tracking of kids with and adults with Alzheimer’s who wander. 

Someday all this hard work is going to pay off and my kids will have a better life.  I might even be able to help others the way people have helped me.  That’s really important.

Until then, life will continue to be day to day and probably get a little messy from time to time.

I can live with that but it’s also something that I struggle with as well because until that time arrives, absolutely nothing comes easy. 

This past year has taken its toll on myself and my boys, in many ways. 

While Gavin’s a new kid, the other two are really struggling, each in their own way. 

Elliott just breaks my heart because he seems so sad, all the time and there’s nothing that I can say or do to remove this burden from his tiny shoulders. 

Emmett has lost all comprehension of what personal space is because he’s become somewhat of an additional extremity of mine.

Emmett’s always physically in contact with me if he’s home.  I love snuggling my kids and I understand why he’s like this but sometimes I just want a hit of breathing room. 

Elliott is going down a path that is not going well for him. 

When goes to therapy with Emmett, he’s glued to Emmett’s therapists.  They’re all women about my age. He gets hugs and positive attention from them and it’s become pretty clear that he’s desperately looking for things he no longer has.

This is when I start to get pissed off. 

I don’t give a shit about what I’ve had to go through or what I’m still going through.  I only care about what my kids are going through. .

Every single day, I get up and raise my kids the best I can.  I do this on my own.  I no longer have reinforcements where I should have reinforcements. 

I get my ass kicked on a daily basis, just trying to keep everyone moving forward. 

I don’t get to go anywhere or do anything fun. So when I come across things online and in the public forum mind you, that show how the other half has moved on, while the rest of us can’t, it really overwhelms me. 

There are so many feelings rushing through me right now. 

I’m hurt.  I’m absolutely hurt.  I’m angry.  I’m sad and I feel truly awful for my kids.  They deserve so much better than what I’ve been able to do for them over this past year. 

There’s no one on this planet who can make me feel any worse about that than I already do. 

I’m just overwhelmed and frustrated by life right now. 

As my marriage draws closer to its final resting place, alot of this stuff is bubbling to the surface and when I stumble across information online, I’m reminded how truly alone I am…

I’m actually writing this post as I’m experiencing all the emotions and so I’m trying to be as tactful as possible. 

Anyone that’s followed our story over the years can likely find what I came across tonight.  I’m not linking to it because, I’m just not. 

Anyway, I’m just venting and everything will look better in the morning…. ☺

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  • Mo

    You have every right to be pissed. Do you also talk to Dr Pattie or is she just for the boys? Be tactful her but make sure you have an outlet to not be tactful and get that anger out and not keep it bottled

    • Thanks Mo… I just try not to live my life angry about the past. Yes, I do have someone I speak with so I don’t have to keep things bottled up. . ☺

  • dotdash

    I don’t know what you are referencing, but hang in there. This difficult time of life for you will provide dividends; others build up nothing but regret and bad conscience. Doesn’t all even out right away…

    • Thanks Dot… I appreciate your kind words.. ☺

    • Alyssa Rogers Williams

      Ah, Rob, now I get what you are alluding to, it was vague so I did what any savvy internet IT person does, I looked at the public forum and there she is, projecting like she’s having the time of her life while you struggle not daily, but hourly. I am absolutely appalled.

      Rob, you sure hold it together better than I,or I’m betting most, would. My pity for , (scarce though it was) completely evaporated when I saw her posts boasting of dates with boyfriend, drinking beer at cookouts and about what a great time she’s having with more hashtags per pic than a 16 year old would use. I almost lost my mind! I cannot imagine what this does to you. I’m so glad you have a therapist to talk with and this blog as an outlet.

      I know anger isn’t productive and I’m so glad you have the maturity I don’t possess. But I do hope you keep a file of these saved and printed and copies with your attorney.

      All this time I assumed /gave imaginary credit that she didn’t want to burden you with another person to care for, and that was her ostensible reason for leaving, then I see it is what others pegged, she just didn’t want to deal with ANY responsibilities. I’m never speechless (obviously by my long posts) but it took me a second to just stop reeling from the absolute rejection of her children, her marriage and her responsibilities. And for someone with so many supposed disabilities (I can see why she was rejected for disability,p), she sure presents another image.

      Enough of that, I know you keep it above board here, but you mentioned the public forums and there it is. I just had to vent some. Now my appreciation for what you are doing and sacrificing for your children has grown 100 fold.

      If this is too private I understand, but what do her parents (that you’ve spoken highly of) think about her rejection of taking part in rearing the children she brought into this world? Feel free to PM me, or if it’s just not something you want to answer I understand.

      The positives? Your children will eventually stop hurting so much as the new normal wit keeps rolling on. And I never thought I’d say this, but …..I don’t (personal opinion) think she has ANY rights. The boys are hurt and confused because they see her so rarely, but seeing her brings back fantasies Mom might come back, or become more of a presence in their lives . I think they can’t heal precisely because they do see her so sporadically and the issues you’re dealing with (the E’s) come from this completely irregular . And what I’ve learned most from your blog is that kids with need regular, RELIABLE p, structure.

      Again, apologies for “going there” but there were clear references to this in your blog. Silver lining? Three kids have a dedicated Dad who is sacrificing on a phenomenal scale. I sure hope your ship comes in. you deserve it,

  • Jimmy Rock

    Don’t know for sure what you’re referencing here but I can read between the lines here and say this: in time that stuff will become irrelevant to you. As for the past year being tough on the boys…yeah, that sucks. But even the most casual reader who has been around here for a little while would reach the conclusion that they are better off and ultimately will be MUCH better off…all because of actions that you had no control over. Someday you’ll be thankful that it all happened because of the much better spot you and the boys will be in. I hope that someday you’ll be able to look back at this period with that perspective.

    But for now- hang in there. The positives from this situation are already revealing themselves and they’ll continue to do so.

    • Thanks Jimmy. ☺

      On a totally unrelated note, I used to work with a Jimmy Rock…. ☺

      • Jimmy Rock

        And I thought I was the only one…

        One correction to what I said above- the boys aren’t better off “all because of actions that you had no control over.” — although you had no control over the actions that got you started down this road, your (solo) efforts are obviously a large part of why they’re better off.

  • Yeah… I got that.. ☺