Divorce: Why is moving on so hard?

While my isn’t officially finalized yet, for all intents and purposes,  my marriage has been over since October 14, 2014. It’s been a tough journey just getting to where I am today and there’s still a great deal of road left ahead of me. 

Recently, someone asked me why I don’t just pick up the pieces of my life and move on, like my wife has. 

The person asking me this was not doing so with good intentions but still, it got me thinking about things and I hate thinking about things because I don’t like remembering. I’ve been in a perpetual state of on again off again confusion, ever since my wife chose a different path for her life. 

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There’s so many questions that I have and they’ll never be answered.  I haven’t figured out how to live with that just yet but it’s something I need to do.

I don’t understand 90% of what happened and I’m left questioning myself….doubting myself.

I’ve accepted that it’s over and that’s not what this about. 

This is about figuring out how to unfeel. I don’t know how to unlove my wife, even after all that’s happened. Life and the people in it have changed in ways that render them unrecognizable and yet I yern for what was….not what is..  Does that make sense?

Maybe it’s pathetic of me to still feel but there’s no point in hiding or denying it. 

It’s hard to process this because the person I loved, doesn’t exist anymore but the person who loved her still does.  That leaves a massive void, a feeling of emptiness or
of being incomplete..

If you’ve ever had someone in your life who changed so profoundly, that you actually grieved them as though they’ve died, that’s where I’m at.  Getting passed this is so hard because while the person I know is gone, I still see and speak to the person who’s taken their place…. It’s absolutely surreal and very difficult to wrap ones brain around. 

It’s an ongoing struggle and one that I do my best to face when it rears up. 

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  • Darcy Dallin

    I don’t know if this is a reason why you can’t “move on”, but it’s one of mine – because I didn’t initiate the . I hate this whole term of having to move on. I to don’t understand my divorce, why it happened & what happened to my Ex – like you say about Izzy – she’s a different person from whom you first meet. I get people change, but some people change too much & leave others destroyed behind them. Plus it is all about those unanswered questions, we’ll be confused for the rest of our lives. Also I have to speak to my Ex still about the kids for a very long long time, so I can’t ever really get away from him – maybe than it would be easier to live my own life & we wouldn’t bother each other. My Ex is very controlling & very hard to get along with. Maybe other split parents can be civil & amicable & maybe that helps the healing. I don’t know.
    It could also be the fact that you can’t “move on” is becuz you’re still technically married. Is it the state laws holding you up? Cooperation from all parties? My divorce took a whole 2-3 months & it was finalized. That was with us both taking our class (which was a stupid as hell-do the class while married-might have less divorce rates), me moving states, two kids involved & everything, so I’m just wondering what has been holding you guys up from finalizing everything?

  • Darcy Dallin

    I don’t know if this is a reason why you can’t “move on”, but it’s one of mine – because I didn’t initiate the . I hate this whole term of having to move on. I to don’t understand my divorce, why it happened & what happened to my Ex – like you say about Izzy – she’s a different person from whom you first meet. I get people change, but some people change too much & leave others destroyed behind them. Plus it is all about those unanswered questions, we’ll be confused for the rest of our lives. Also I have to speak to my Ex still about the kids for a very long long time, so I can’t ever really get away from him – maybe than it would be easier to live my own life & we wouldn’t bother each other. My Ex is very controlling & very hard to get along with. Maybe other split parents can be civil & amicable & maybe that helps the healing. I don’t know.
    It could also be the fact that you can’t “move on” is becuz you’re still technically married. Is it the state laws holding you up? Cooperation from all parties? My divorce took a whole 2-3 months & it was finalized. That was with us both taking our class (which was a stupid as hell-do the class while married-might have less divorce rates), me moving states, two kids involved & everything, so I’m just wondering what has been holding you guys up from finalizing everything?

  • Karalyn Fett

    I remember this feeling so hard. My ex was the first person I ever loved and he “got me” so intensely my 16 year old self was POSITIVE I would never love anyone else ever again. I remember though by the end he had put me through so much looking at him was like looking at the ghost of someone that had been long dead. I remember feeling like I wanted to love him again so much, but he wasn’t really even there anymore. I really don’t think it ever goes away. I’ve long moved on and had other relationships but I still have this longing feeling of love for who he used to be, but would never even humor the idea of taking him back. He’s even tried to reach out and make conversation, but it’s just like talking to a stranger. His face is the same but I have no idea who he is. It is probably one of the hardest to handle and most confusing emotion I have ever had to deal with so far in my life. I feel like everyone harps so hard on the “get officially divorced and the problems will go away!” thing, but your emotions weren’t on paper. I don’t think anyone can really know until they are in that exact emotional situation. I’ve been long divorced and I still feel this the better part of 5 years later.

  • Karalyn Fett

    I remember this feeling so hard. My ex was the first person I ever loved and he “got me” so intensely my 16 year old self was POSITIVE I would never love anyone else ever again. I remember though by the end he had put me through so much looking at him was like looking at the ghost of someone that had been long dead. I remember feeling like I wanted to love him again so much, but he wasn’t really even there anymore. I really don’t think it ever goes away. I’ve long moved on and had other relationships but I still have this longing feeling of love for who he used to be, but would never even humor the idea of taking him back. He’s even tried to reach out and make conversation, but it’s just like talking to a stranger. His face is the same but I have no idea who he is. It is probably one of the hardest to handle and most confusing emotions I have ever had to deal with so far in my life. I feel like everyone harps so hard on the “get officially divorced and the problems will go away!” thing, but your emotions weren’t on paper. I don’t think anyone can really know until they are in that exact emotional situation. I’ve been long divorced and I still feel this the better part of 5 years later.