What hurts the most about getting divorced

The boys and I have been on our own for over a year now.  For the most part, we’re doing okay. Financially, things are tough but should be getting better in the near future. 

There’s a great many things that upset me about getting divorced, especially the high price my kids have had to pay.

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That being said, when it comes to me personally, I’ve found that there is one area that I very much struggle with. 

I’m very family oriented and things like the holidays are really important to me because they’re all about family. 

Rather than being able to celebrate the holidays as a family, I now have to split my family even further by sending my kids to be with their Mom. 

Look, I absolutely believe that the boys need to see their Mom and have as healthy a relationship as possible.  No matter what she’s done, she’s still their Mother.  Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying because this is very important to me. 

Their Mother should be an important and permanent fixture in their lives. 

Here’s the problem I have. 

She walked out.  She choose a life that didn’t include myself and our children.  Does she love them? Yes, I don’t doubt that.  Is she involved in their lives since she left?  No..  Not really. 

She sees them every other Friday for less than 24 hours and than every other Wednesday night for dinner.  That’s it….

She doesn’t help in any way shape or form. 

The boys Mother isn’t a bad person but she’s made horrible decisions.  While we’re civil, she’s no longer someone I consider a friend.  I have to be able to trust my friends and I can’t trust her. 

What makes this even more difficult for me is that there are serious mental, physical and emotional issues involved.  While these don’t excuse her actions, they can provide a little better context. 

As much as I try, I can’t not have compassion for her. Who she is now and the decisions she’s made/making are incompatible with marriage and honestly, even being a parent but I’m still the same person. 

For better or for worse.  For sickness and in health.  To death do us part. . That means something to me. 

Look,  I’ve gotten off track.  Let me steer the car back on the road. 

This will be the very first Thanksgiving that I won’t be with my kids.  We have to rotate holidays…and I have very mixed feelings about that.

It’s the right thing to do and the kids need to have that contact.  My soon to be ex-inlaws are fantastic and I will always involve them because they are an important part of both mine and the boys lives. 

That being said, there’s an angry, hurt and confused part of me that feels like having to miss a holiday with my kids isn’t right, especially considering she isn’t helping to raise them at all. 

It’s childish of me to feel that way but I would imagine it’s probably not that unusual, especially considering the circumstances. 

It’s kinda weird but I can relate more to single Mom’s than single Dad’s.  I think that if a parent walks out on their family, typically it’s the Dad’s.  That’s certainly not the case for everyone but it’s more common for the Mothers to be raising the kids while the Dad  moves on with his life. 

Don’t get me wrong, if this had to happen, I’m eternally grateful that my kids are with me 24/7 because I couldn’t do it otherwise.  I couldn’t be without my kids.

Anyway, this is weighing kinda heavy on me right now. 

Like I said, my wife and I are on good terms.  Unfortunately, my definition of friendship is such that it no longer includes her. 

Hurting me is one thing.  Hurting the kids is something all together different. 

Frankly, each one of the boys is experiencing the same thing on some level.  They know she’s different and they’re trying to reconcile that against all the memories they have of her. 

It really is a very challenging situation that I’m hoping will become more manageable once the divorce is finalized. 

In all the important ways, nothing is going to change for the better.  The way things are is the way things will likely always be.  That’s a tough pill for me to swallow. 

While nothing is likely to change in the dynamic between the boys and their Mother or myself and her, I will become a stronger, healthier person, that is better able to adapt to this major life change. 

My ambition is to make the best if this situation. 

I shouldn’t have to be away from my kids for Thanksgiving but I’m happy that they will be able to spend the time with their Mom and extended family.  I’m grateful that I’ve been able to do as well as I have thus far, even if it’s perfect or even close to perfect. 

I’m really grateful that we have a civil relationship because that’s so important for the boys to see and not have it be entirely fake. 

While I truly hate the fact that I will soon be divorced, it could always have been worse..  At least that’s what I tell myself anyway..  ☺

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6 Comments on "What hurts the most about getting divorced"

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Darcy
Member
You say nothing is going to change for the better? But you always find a positive in negative situations. I think my EX could have written this, but he was the one that walked away & gave up on the kids n I. Unfortunately we can’t even be civil & I can’t stand it. He’s the one who gave up but he continues to hate me soo much, so of course I hate him. But I also don’t think Rob, how much pain your ex-wife may be suffering herself. Yes there are kids involved but if a parent is too… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest

I’m not really following your comment. I’m sorta confused by what you wrote cause it sorta jumos around.

It’s interesting that you say I don’t understand my wife’s mental illness because I actually do.

My wife is in a situation that she created. This is what she wants and there’s nothing I can do to help her anymore.

Anyway, I wish you luck over the holidays.

Alyssa Rogers Williams
Guest
These are the posts that all I can be is supportive in spirit, but I also believe you need to write them from time to time, as a catharsis, to purge these intermingling feelings of loss and sadness. I know so many readers (me included) wanted to verbally lynch Lizze when she abandoned her family, it just seemed so incredibly outrageous…..but then becoming more attuned to your posts I realized it is just as tragic regarding her mental and personality changes and mental illness isn’t something that can go instantly away with meds or a “lifestyle change”. It’s just sad… Read more »
meggyweg
Guest

Yeah, I wasn’t surprised either. I mean, I hadn’t seen it coming at all but when it happened I remember being like, “Yup.”

Rob Gorski
Guest

Really? I’m curious, what made you think that?

meggyweg
Guest

I’m not really sure. I think it was a combination of Lizze’s borderline personality diagnosis and the fact that I know parents of children with special needs are more likely to get divorced.

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