There’s something I seem to be struggling with that’s probably not meant to be easy.
Anytime someone experiences a traumatic or dramatic change that shatters the only life they’ve known, there’s a process associated with getting through it and moving forward.
For a stretch of time after the boys and I began our new journey, I grieved. I grieved for a long time but I had to get my shit together because my kids needed me.
I experienced pain, sorrow, heartache, loss and eventually, even anger.
Making the decision to banish anger was a positive thing because I don’t need that toxin in my life or the lives of my children.
What I want more than anything is to start living my life again.
I want to be able to improve upon the ways I can help my kids. Life hasn’t been easy for them and they deserve better. They deserve to be happy.
It’s not that they are unhappy now but there’s still this heavy, dark cloud that seems to hang overhead. It taints things and I want to be free of that.
Here’s my problem.
Before I can do any of these things, I have to begin the difficult task of rebuilding my life.
When I was a child, I could build castles out of blocks. If that castle fell down, it was something that I could fix because I knew where all the blocks belonged.
As an adult, it’s no longer that simple.
I can’t just put my life back together like I did that castle, all those years ago.
Even if rebuilding my life was as simple as putting all the blocks back where they belong, it wouldn’t work because there are blocks that are now missing.
While the blocks that are now missing were the cause of the castle crumbling in the first place and the fact that they can’t be found has proven better for the rest of the blocks, it still presents a problem.
There’s no way to put things back the way they were before and honestly, that’s not a bad thing (all things considered). Unfortunately, that means there’s no way for me to give the kids back what they’ve lost.
I know that by putting my life back together, my boys will only stand to benefit because our lives are intertwined in a way that can never be undone.
Having said that, all I can see in front of me are piles of blocks and I have no idea where the pieces go anymore.
Everything I’ve even known has changed, the old blueprints have been invalidated and I don’t even know where to start.
I’m left with one very overwhelming question.
How do I put my life back together?