Without transparency, this site and my mission would lose its purpose. Transparency allows you to gain better insight into what’s going on, not only in my life but also inside my head.
I think that sometimes, people take that transparency and apply meaning to it that I never intended.
I’m having a hard time sleeping again tonight and I’m hoping that writing will help to purge some of this anxiety that’s been building. You won’t read this until sometime Monday morning, when it will actually post.
Trying to remain positive is not something that is always easy or even possible without significant effort.
The truth is, right now I’m staring down the barrel of some overwhelming obstacles and I have no idea if there’s a bullet in the chamber.
I don’t know if anyone can relate or if that even makes sense.
Do you ever lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering how you’re going to make everything happen that needs to happen?
Maybe you can relate to doing everything in your power, to the point of complete emotional and physical exhaustion, to ensure that you bare that burden alone.
The last thing in the world you want to do let your kids share any part of those grownup worries, so you put on your happy face and pretend that everything is okay.
I’ve tried to find ways of articulating exactly what this feels like but I never seem to find the right words.
It’s like an immense weight that I carry around everywhere but it’s invisible to everyone around me.
It’s so heavy that I just need to put it down for minute but I can’t because there’s no one else to pick it up and it must always be carried.
Since this weight must always be carried, the only option is to triage the rest of my life and back burner or completely drop anything else that isn’t absolutely vital.
Just so we’re clear. When I use the word vital, it doesn’t refer to things like laundry, dishes, housework, yardwork, outside relationships and bills. In my world, there are actually things required of me, in order to physically and emotionally support my kids that far more vital than the list above.
People will sometimes mistake this triaging of life and priorities as weakness, laziness, irresponsibility or just bad parenting.
The truth is that I have to do whatever it takes to continue carrying that weight because if I stumble or just get too tired to carry it, I can’t be what my kids need me to be for them.
Before I retire to my room each night and try to put all this shit out my mind, just long enough to fall asleep, I check on my kids.
I kiss them on their forehead, tell them that everything is going to be okay and I love them.
I love them very, very much but the truth is, I don’t always know if everything is going to be okay and that’s an absolutely powerless feeling.
There is rarely a day that goes by where I don’t feel like a complete failure.
Failure is really subjective and everyone will apply different meaning to it. In my case, I feel like I fail my kids all the time. Carrying that invisible weight all the time doesn’t allow for much more than meeting the basic needs sometimes.
I can’t seem to gain any ground financially and that can pack a huge wallop. As much as I try to help my kids through all these changes in their life, they still struggle and the truth is, it’s outside of my control because I can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to or aren’t capable of doing.
Still I feel like the failure.
If I close my eyes, I can see the line of people I’m letting down continue to grow and it’s like my kids have line skip passes.
The truth is, I don’t even know if this site will remain online and that weighs heavy on me because there are so many people that relay on it, including myself. It’s extremely important to me that I not let anyone down but again, it’s one of those outside of my control things.
Interestingly enough, I don’t know exactly what that enormous weight I spoke about earlier even consists of.
I imagine it’s made up of many things, some list above and some not.
I also imagine that many of you know about this weight because you carry a version of it yourself. At least you’re not alone and that means neither am I. ☺
This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉
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