This is a 2 part post and you’ll need to read both posts in order to put this in the proper context. Please understand that I’m sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings in regards to my wife wanting a divorce. This is not meant to bad mouth or bash her in any way. This serves a very real purpose because it’s about raw feelings and things that many guys simply wouldn’t be willing to talk about.
Divorce isn’t supposed to be fun and it’s certainly not in my case. There’s not really been drama per say but the decision to seek a divorce was absolutely a decision that I never had any say in.
It took me a long time to process all the hurt, betrayal and pain because I had the kids 24/7. There simply was time for me to grieve, at least in the way I needed to.
The boys were devastated and traumatized. Like I said above, there really wasn’t time for me to grieve because everything revolved around them. That’s the way it should be.
Over the last year or so, I’ve learned a very important lesson, albeit very slowly..
It took so long to learn because it went against every fiber of my being. I had to do something that was foreign to me and I didn’t know if I was even capable of doing it.
That actually sounds sorta sinister as I’m reading through this a second time but it’s not how it sounds.
The thing that I had to do was let go.
First and foremost, I had to let go of my wife because she no longer wanted me.
Secondly, I had to let go of my desire to save my marriage. That was so hard for me to do because my marriage meant everything to me and I don’t believe that (most) relationships are disposable.
Third, I had to let go of all the anger for everything I was watching the kids go through, for the position I was forced to be in and for everything that was stripped away from my life.
The last thing I had to let go of was the hardest for me and took the most time.
I had to learn that I can’t control anyone’s actions but my own. I had spent so much time and energy doing damage control. I was trying to make sure that the boys had a happy and healthy relationship with their Mom.
The boys psychologist is the one who finally got me to realize that I simply can’t make anyone do anything they either can’t or don’t want to.
I have no ability to fix any of this and I have to let it go.
I will say this. Of all the things I’ve had to let go of, this provided me with the greatest sense of peace and here’s why.
While I have a tremendous amount of control over what happens with the boys because I have final say in everything. That’s built into the parenting agreement. It’s sort of a safety net.
While that’s comforting, at least because of the complex circumstances surrounding this whole thing, it’s not a catch all.
I have zero control over what happens when the boys are with their Mom. There’s always avenues available after the fact but my focus was on limiting as many problems as I could before they happened.
By letting go of that, I’ve come to realize that I’m a far more effective parent by simply being what the boys need while they’re home the other 28 days of the month.
This has truly been life altering for me and it’s lightened my load tremendously because rather than beat my head into a wall trying to control what I inevitably couldn’t, I simply let go and focused instead on where I could be the most effective.
I feel such a sense of relief from letting this stuff go.
Our lives were and frankly still are, a work in progress but letting these things go was a huge step in the right direction.
Part 2 of this post will be about where I stand on things since making all these changes and letting go of all the things I’ve let go of. The reason I’m sharing this because I’m hoping that I can help at least one other person out there who’s going through something similar.
This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉
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