A major update to where things stand with my divorce

This is the second part of the previous post. Reading this will help you to gain a more complete perspective on where this whole process has left me and what the future holds.

In the previous post, I shared some of the things I had to do in order for me to regain a sense of peace in my life. 

Now I want to share where that realization has taken me and how it’s impacted the relationship I have with my soon to be ex-wife.


For the record, none of these realizations will undo the past.  What they will do however, is help you to leave the past where it belongs and move forward. 

I talked about how I had to learn to let go of some things, in order to find some desperately needed peace in my life. 

At this point in time, I can honestly say that I think a fine balance has been struck and that’s really a good thing. 

I’m not angry anymore and the boys have accepted their new life, for the most part.

Lizze and I have reached an understanding and I think this is a very positive milestone, so to speak. 

I understand and respect the fact that she’s the boy’s Mother.  That’s not really anything new for me because I’ve always felt that way and always will. 

I think that she has a better understanding that even though I have final say in everything, I want nothing more than for the boys to have a great relationship with her.  I recognize the importance of the boys having and maintaining that connection with her side of the .  It’s truly important to me, especially when it comes to the boys Grandparents. 

My only focus is on what’s best for the kids.  What’s best for the kids is a dynamic challenge because they have ever changing, , especially in the emotional category. 

It will never be a typical shared situation because that would never work for the boys and everyone agrees with that. 

There’s also a really crucial thing that I’ve changed my approach to because it wasn’t fair to her. 

If you have followed our story since the days, you’ve probably read her blog or some of it anyway. 

A large part of what makes this whole damn thing so complicated is because there are both physical and mental health issues in play that seriously limit her ability to be the parent she used to be years ago. 

I was very unaccepting of these limitations after she left because I wanted her to be more involved and active in the boy’s lives.

Here’s the thing and some won’t ever agree with this but I know this situation better than anyone else. 

Lizze is limited in her ability to be a full time parent.  This is due to her health issues and mental health challenges.  It’s not a choice and she really does make an effort. 

There’s a difference between being a part time parent because they just don’t care and being a part time parent because of physical and emotional limitations outside of your control. 

There has to be realistic expectations in place.  Realistic doesn’t equate to ideal and so we have to make the best of a less than ideal situation. 

She understands that I will only do what’s best for the kids.  My personal feelings will not ever play a role in my decision making process.  I like to deal in facts and historical evidence. 

I understand that while I’ll never get all the help I need, she will always give the very best she can to the boys.  It won’t be ideal but it will establish realistic expectations and that’s really important. 

Nothing about this is ideal because ideally, none of this would have ever happened. 

That being said, at the end of the day, the boys and I are doing pretty okay.  It’s a work in progress but that’s just life. 

Establishing this balance has really felt positive to both of us and we are without question, committed to maintaining this balance.

I don’t expect this to always be smooth but I do think that by maintaining this balance, those little hiccups will be more easily resolved. 

So far 2016 seems to be really positive in this regard.

I know it gives her peace of mind and I know that I certainly can do without unnecessary stress as well. 

Getting divorced is not easy for me but once I had a chance to process all the changes and find peace with everything (for the most part anyway), things are actually sustainable. 

This is very, very positive and I wanted to share this because I’m hoping to set some kind of example.  So often, kids pay the highest price when their parents get divorced. 

They should never be put in the middle and the sooner you learn to work with the other parent, the better chance your kids have of coming out the other side as well adjusted as possible. 

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  • Darcy Dallin

    I DO understand all the emotional needs the boys have but even with all my health/mental issues I am actually going back to court to get more custody of my kids. I think you’re letting lizzie off easy, especially since she has the support & lives with her parents. If you want the boys to have an even better relationship with their grandparents can’t they come over to your house for a dinner or can they take the boys out for ice cream after dinner (on the weekends) & spend more time with the boys & start small & than lizzie might see what she’s missing & spend more time & effort & than it would eventually be easier emotionally on the boys to accept these changes.

    • I’m not letting anyone get away with anything. My life is very challenging for me but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. is doing the best she can and that all any of us can do. Her best may be different from my best, your best or anyone else’s best but it’s her best. The boys are far better with her doing less but doing really well , than doing more and doing poorly at it.

      I’m not complaining. Sure, I wish things were different but I can’t control that. The best thing for the boys is to move forward, making the best of the cards we’ve been dealt.

  • tannawings

    Although I somewhat agree with Darcy ie: letting Lizzie dictate how ‘sick’ she is, and perhaps giving her an excuse or an ‘out’ I don’t think at this point it is a bad thing. For some people, you have to either accept them the way they are or choose to be or cut them out. Cutting her out is not on the table, so you have to deal with it the best you can and adapt to it. You are making the choice to accept her shortcomings in a mature way, and the only way you can. Thats also a part of the letting go, because it isnt something you can control.
    Lizzie is extremely lucky to have such great parents, who not only love her but her children. They are willing to work with both you and their daughter for the sake of the kids which I am sure is not always easy on them. I applaud them for going above and beyond in all they do.
    You are also lucky to have your folks who pitch in when needed, and have a support system.
    It isnt ideal, you have a hard road, but youre doing fine.

    • As challenging as things are, I’m very lucky to have had them play out the way they have. I’ve never said that what is doing is enough but I know that she’s doing is the best she can.

      I’m choosing to make the best of things, accept the situation and the people involved for who they are now, including any limitations..

      Thanks for your support… ☺