Divorce: We apparently need to get a few things straight

I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything.  That’s not the motivation behind this post. 

Based on some of the comments and questions I still receive, I feel the need to clarify a few things.  This is a complex situation and so I’ll do this one more time. 

For starters, you have to accept that you will not be privy to all of the information that you would like to have. 

image

While it may appear to some that I’m hiding information, I’m not, at least not in the way some think I am. 

There are things the collapse of my that simply aren’t for public consumption. This isn’t about protecting myself or the boys Mother.  This has everything to do with protecting the boys from information that they don’t need to know at this point in time. 

This blog is consumed by many people, including people outside of both families that have contact with the kids. 

If the kids are to ever learn about these things, it will be in a controlled environment, from me or their therapist and not from some random person that reads the blog.

I’ve been very honset about everything that’s going on, save for those few details.

I have no problems sharing what I was told I did that led to the boys Mother choosing the path that she has.  The details of the night she left can’t be shared without going to places I’ve said I wouldn’t, so I have to leave that alone.

That being said, the reasons she did the things she did and chose to leave are as follows. 

1) I ignored her and did everything in my power to avoid even talking to her.

2) I spent way to much time working on .

3) I spent too much time working on the GPS tracking project.

4) I never spent any time with her

5) I monopolized her doctors appointments

These are the main things that she said led her to make the decisions she did and do the things she did. 

She’s entitled to feel the way she does and while I did spend a lot of time working on Lost and Tired, it shouldn’t have resulted in the destruction of my marriage, not by a long shot.

While I have never and will never even pretend to be perfect, I will say that part of why this hurt so badly was because everything I did was for her and the boys. 

I was essentially caring for 3 kids and a wife with .  It wasn’t easy but I always felt it was worth it and never would have stopped.

This was so hard for me to accept because anyone that knew us in real life, has real life knowledge that I dedicated my entire self to her and the kids.  That’s way everyone was so shocked when all this happened, including the therapist.

Look, I’m far from perfect and like anyone else, I make mistakes.  I completely own that and will never hide from it. I was always faithful, devoted and gave everything I had.

Again, this was the explanation I received for all that came to light on October 14, 2014.

While I will never understand and agree with her opinion, it is her right to feel that way. 

Let’s fast forward to the arrangements.

When she chose to leave, she did so with the knowledge that I would be the one having to care for the kids full time and alone because she wasn’t able to. 

She also knew that it would mean very limited visitation with the kids because she required supervision from her parents and would have to work around their schedule, which proved to be very inconsistent.

She wanted Schedule A visits which still haven’t happened because of her situation.  It’s supposed to be 3 hours every other Wednesday night and every other weekend from 5pm Friday to 5 pm Sunday. 

The boys have dinner with her and their grandparents every other Wednesday.  They spend the night every other Friday from 5pm to Saturday sometime.  It’s supposed to be 5pm but the boys will sometimes come home early for various reasons. 

We did recently change the pick up time for the boys on Fridays.  They now go over from 3:15pm on Friday to sometime Saturday, usually around 5pm.

I’m not upset about this because I knew that it would be this way and frankly, it’s better for the kids. 

The choices that she’s made, continues to make and the path she’s chosen, very much limit her abilities.  Her emotional and physical play a huge role in this as well. 

I’m order to maintain my sanity and continue moving forward, I’ve had to accept this. 

For the longest time I was very focused, to the point of even trying to strongly encourage more visits, different choices and more involvement.  It never got me anywhere but frustrated. 

Accepting this is just the way things are going to be, has made life so much easier because I only worry about my responsibilities and my relationship with the kids.  Everything else is out of my hands. 

This has also allowed to me simply embrace whatever role she is able to play in the boys lives.

Is this ideal? Not even close. 

Is this fair? Of course not, especially to the kids…

Is there anything I can do about it? Absolutely not. 

Their Mother isn’t evil, mean spirited or a bad person.  She’s someone who’s battling serious and if you’ve ever read her blog, you would hear that straight from her.  She’s dealing with more than her fair share of physical ailments as well.

All of these things limit her capacity to be a full time parent. 

Does this excuse or somehow undo all the damage she’s caused? No it doesn’t but it helps put things into context or at least it should.

I’ve said this many times, but I’ll say it again, she’s not the same person I married.  I feel and will always feel that something is very wrong. 

That being said, she’s given me final say in everything because she knows that I have all the responsibility.  It’s written into our dissolution agreement and is a sticking point for me.

When I talk about difficult decisions I’ve had to make, I’m usually referring to when I have to make the final decision on something in regards to a visit or not allowing something to take place because I have to ensure the best interests of the kids. 

I truly hate having to be in this position but it’s all part of this new job I was forced into. 

I’ve literally given her everything she’s asked for, in regards to this divorce. These were her decisions and her actions that led us all down this path. 

I don’t agree with the majority of life choices she’s making or has made in the days or weeks leading up to her leaving in the first place.  I can’t do anything about them and so I concern myself with only enough as it impacts her contact with the kids. 

The relationship I have with her parents is unaffected by the things she’s done.  I trust her parents enough to supervise the visits.  They’re awesome Grandparents, we get along great and they are a permanent part of the boys life. 

This remains the case, even with the boys Mom actively trying to prevent any and all contact between myself and anyone in her family. 

When you read this blog, you have to understand and accept that there’s a rhyme and reason for everything that I do.  Some things you’ll more easily understand and others not so much because it’s hard to put things in context without all the information. 

You simply won’t always have all the information. 

I’m hoping this sorta provides a bit more clarity into things.  This is more in depth than I’ve ever shared previously and it’s important to know, in order to help keep things in perspective. 

Lastly, I want to make something very, very clear.  The only victims in this situation are the kids.  She’s certainly not a victim as everything that’s happened was a conscious choice on her part.  While my life was turned upside down and ripped apart, just like the kids, I’m an adult, they aren’t. 

I do resent anything said to the contrary because the boys are the victims here. They have no control over this and have suffered a tremendous loss, while generally lacking the coping skills to deal with it. 

I’m happy to answer your questions but only as they pertain to what I’ve said above.  The rest isn’t my story to tell. 

This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉

Please remember to visit my Sponsors, Like, Tweet and Share my posts on your favorite social media outlets.

I can’t do this without your help. So, if you like what I’m doing, PLEASE consider supporting my efforts. Click here to find ways you can help for FREE.



Leave a Reply

13 Comments on "Divorce: We apparently need to get a few things straight"

Notify of
avatar
 
smilegrinwinkmrgreenneutraltwistedarrowshockunamusedcooleviloopsrazzrollcryeeklolmadsadexclamationquestionideahmmbegwhewchucklesillyenvyshutmouth
Photo and Image Files
 
 
 
Audio and Video Files
 
 
 
Other File Types
 
 
 
Ellen Beck
Member
You really didnt even have to explain that much… in general people who leave (unless it is outright abuse) leave for very flimsy reasons. They just pull whatever is in their head and work it to their advantage and go. Truthfully, she was ‘gone’ long before she told you. I am sorry she is the way she is, but you just have to accept it and move on as much as possible. Unfortunately you have to keep in contact for the sake of the kids, but, thats both your lots in life as you created the children in common. Really,… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Member

Thanks. I pretty much agree with everything you’ve said. I choose to accept this because it’s the only thing I have control over and life is better when you let go of the things that are eating you alive.

Thank You again for your always thoughtful comments

Braden
Member

While I appreciate your position….You really can’t have it both ways..you either need to accept that people are going to have opinions on your (and life) based on the posts you make or you can’t post it…there really isn’t any in between with it.

Rob Gorski
Member
Braden, This is a great example of what I mean. Completely missing the point and instead share an opinion that really isn’t relevant. There’s absolutely an in between, you can choose to accept it or not. That’s a limitation you place on yourself. I don’t really care which you do because the vast majority of my readers understand where I’m coming from and accept that there are things I don’t talk about. I ignore most thoughtless comments but sometimes people simply fabricate things, put words in my mouth or take things completely out of context. I shared this because I… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Member

Just so we’re clear, I responding your comment in regards to having it both ways but the bulk was not directed at you personally.

Darcy
Member
In regards to my other questions/responses, thank you, you did clear up some things & I know you didn’t have to, so I appreciate it. Maybe you won’t feel the same way, but if I was writing a blog I would be putting everything out there & I wouldn’t care what others thought. Give me all the criticism in the world. From all your post, and maybe I’m misunderstanding things, from what I read, you kept saying you didn’t control things but you DO control things & that’s a good thing, you are controlling what you can when it comes… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Member
All I’m going to say is that you still don’t get it. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m not withholding anything to protect her. I’m doing it to protect the boys. I’ve said that from day one. I also said I don’t have control over her and her actions. There’s lots of things I have control over but she is not one of them. I’ve never bashed her and never will. I don’t care what she’s done, shes still the mother on my kids. If anything, I’m too nice about it. I state facts and my personal story. Lastly,… Read more »
Jimmy Rock
Member
As you said, you don’t owe an explanation to anyone about anything. This is your blog– you can say or not say whatever you want as you see fit. As you acknowledge, sometimes the missing pieces can make it difficult for readers to put everything you write into its proper context, but you are generally receptive to questions or comments. What you’ve written here may shed some further light on your circumstances, but whether or not it does, what I don’t understand are the comments here that are seemingly intentionally antagonistic or just mean-spirited. There’s a difference between those types… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Member

Well said. I’m always open to questions or comments. I don’t care if someone has a different opinion either. Where I get frustrated is when, like you said, people are looking to trip me up or antagonize me.

When I respond to them and maybe with some vigor, they then say I only like comments that agree with me.

I like all comments that are tactful, respectful of those involved and aren’t judgmental in nature.

Thanks Jimmy. I really appreciate it your support.

pegster999
Member

I know you are doing the best for your sons. But I admit I do get frustrated reading sometimes. It seems she’s enabled to do whatever she wants with no accountability, and to make no effort towards getting herself better or for her sons. Her reasons for leaving scream needy and selfish. I know drives that. I just feel bad you’ve been left with all the responsibility.

Rob Gorski
Member
Thanks… I’ve found that you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip. The way I see it is this. I’m very lucky that she at least recognizes her limitations and isn’t trying to take on more than she’s capable of. Franky, I don’t much care what she does anymore. As long as it doesn’t directly impact the boys. I’ve let go of trying to help and have taken instead to praying that she someday finds her way. She’s not a bad person and is making more of an effort now than before but that doesn’t make any of this fair. I’m… Read more »
Heaven
Member
Ok, I’ve read a few times, but never commented. I’ve read some past comments by consistent commenters, and I’m just floored at the audacity for “strangers” that try to “counsel” you based on their own situations. Their own situation and feelings become projected into E.V.E.R.Y. comment they make. It seems ridiculous that you even have to explain yourself to this point. Granted, some people “think” they “know” you because they read your blog or have followed you for awhile. Of course, they have the best advice and answers and all solutions because, well, you know…everyone’s situation is all the same!… Read more »
Karalyn Fett
Member

amen.

wpDiscuz