I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything. That’s not the motivation behind this post.
Based on some of the comments and questions I still receive, I feel the need to clarify a few things. This is a complex situation and so I’ll do this one more time.
For starters, you have to accept that you will not be privy to all of the information that you would like to have.
While it may appear to some that I’m hiding information, I’m not, at least not in the way some think I am.
There are things about the collapse of my marriage that simply aren’t for public consumption. This isn’t about protecting myself or the boys Mother. This has everything to do with protecting the boys from information that they don’t need to know at this point in time.
This blog is consumed by many people, including people outside of both families that have contact with the kids.
If the kids are to ever learn about these things, it will be in a controlled environment, from me or their therapist and not from some random person that reads the blog.
I’ve been very honset about everything that’s going on, save for those few details.
I have no problems sharing what I was told I did that led to the boys Mother choosing the path that she has. The details of the night she left can’t be shared without going to places I’ve said I wouldn’t, so I have to leave that alone.
That being said, the reasons she did the things she did and chose to leave are as follows.
1) I ignored her and did everything in my power to avoid even talking to her.
2) I spent way to much time working on Lost and Tired.
3) I spent too much time working on the GPS tracking project.
4) I never spent any time with her
5) I monopolized her doctors appointments
These are the main things that she said led her to make the decisions she did and do the things she did.
She’s entitled to feel the way she does and while I did spend a lot of time working on Lost and Tired, it shouldn’t have resulted in the destruction of my marriage, not by a long shot.
While I have never and will never even pretend to be perfect, I will say that part of why this hurt so badly was because everything I did was for her and the boys.
I was essentially caring for 3 kids and a wife with special needs. It wasn’t easy but I always felt it was worth it and never would have stopped.
This was so hard for me to accept because anyone that knew us in real life, has real life knowledge that I dedicated my entire self to her and the kids. That’s way everyone was so shocked when all this happened, including the family therapist.
Look, I’m far from perfect and like anyone else, I make mistakes. I completely own that and will never hide from it. I was always faithful, devoted and gave everything I had.
Again, this was the explanation I received for all that came to light on October 14, 2014.
While I will never understand and agree with her opinion, it is her right to feel that way.
Let’s fast forward to the visitation arrangements.
When she chose to leave, she did so with the knowledge that I would be the one having to care for the kids full time and alone because she wasn’t able to.
She also knew that it would mean very limited visitation with the kids because she required supervision from her parents and would have to work around their schedule, which proved to be very inconsistent.
She wanted Schedule A visits which still haven’t happened because of her situation. It’s supposed to be 3 hours every other Wednesday night and every other weekend from 5pm Friday to 5 pm Sunday.
The boys have dinner with her and their grandparents every other Wednesday. They spend the night every other Friday from 5pm to Saturday sometime. It’s supposed to be 5pm but the boys will sometimes come home early for various reasons.
We did recently change the pick up time for the boys on Fridays. They now go over from 3:15pm on Friday to sometime Saturday, usually around 5pm.
I’m not upset about this because I knew that it would be this way and frankly, it’s better for the kids.
The choices that she’s made, continues to make and the path she’s chosen, very much limit her abilities. Her emotional and physical health play a huge role in this as well.
I’m order to maintain my sanity and continue moving forward, I’ve had to accept this.
For the longest time I was very focused, to the point of even trying to strongly encourage more visits, different choices and more involvement. It never got me anywhere but frustrated.
Accepting this is just the way things are going to be, has made life so much easier because I only worry about my responsibilities and my relationship with the kids. Everything else is out of my hands.
This has also allowed to me simply embrace whatever role she is able to play in the boys lives.
Is this ideal? Not even close.
Is this fair? Of course not, especially to the kids…
Is there anything I can do about it? Absolutely not.
Their Mother isn’t evil, mean spirited or a bad person. She’s someone who’s battling serious mental illness and if you’ve ever read her blog, you would hear that straight from her. She’s dealing with more than her fair share of physical ailments as well.
All of these things limit her capacity to be a full time parent.
Does this excuse or somehow undo all the damage she’s caused? No it doesn’t but it helps put things into context or at least it should.
I’ve said this many times, but I’ll say it again, she’s not the same person I married. I feel and will always feel that something is very wrong.
That being said, she’s given me final say in everything because she knows that I have all the responsibility. It’s written into our dissolution agreement and is a sticking point for me.
When I talk about difficult decisions I’ve had to make, I’m usually referring to when I have to make the final decision on something in regards to a visit or not allowing something to take place because I have to ensure the best interests of the kids.
I truly hate having to be in this position but it’s all part of this new job I was forced into.
I’ve literally given her everything she’s asked for, in regards to this divorce. These were her decisions and her actions that led us all down this path.
I don’t agree with the majority of life choices she’s making or has made in the days or weeks leading up to her leaving in the first place. I can’t do anything about them and so I concern myself with only enough as it impacts her contact with the kids.
The relationship I have with her parents is unaffected by the things she’s done. I trust her parents enough to supervise the visits. They’re awesome Grandparents, we get along great and they are a permanent part of the boys life.
This remains the case, even with the boys Mom actively trying to prevent any and all contact between myself and anyone in her family.
When you read this blog, you have to understand and accept that there’s a rhyme and reason for everything that I do. Some things you’ll more easily understand and others not so much because it’s hard to put things in context without all the information.
You simply won’t always have all the information.
I’m hoping this sorta provides a bit more clarity into things. This is more in depth than I’ve ever shared previously and it’s important to know, in order to help keep things in perspective.
Lastly, I want to make something very, very clear. The only victims in this situation are the kids. She’s certainly not a victim as everything that’s happened was a conscious choice on her part. While my life was turned upside down and ripped apart, just like the kids, I’m an adult, they aren’t.
I do resent anything said to the contrary because the boys are the victims here. They have no control over this and have suffered a tremendous loss, while generally lacking the coping skills to deal with it.
I’m happy to answer your questions but only as they pertain to what I’ve said above. The rest isn’t my story to tell.
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