Divorce: We apparently need to get a few things straight

I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything.  That’s not the motivation behind this post. 

Based on some of the comments and questions I still receive, I feel the need to clarify a few things.  This is a complex situation and so I’ll do this one more time. 

For starters, you have to accept that you will not be privy to all of the information that you would like to have. 

image

While it may appear to some that I’m hiding information, I’m not, at least not in the way some think I am. 

There are things about the collapse of my marriage that simply aren’t for public consumption. This isn’t about protecting myself or the boys Mother.  This has everything to do with protecting the boys from information that they don’t need to know at this point in time. 

This blog is consumed by many people, including people outside of both families that have contact with the kids. 

If the kids are to ever learn about these things, it will be in a controlled environment, from me or their therapist and not from some random person that reads the blog.

I’ve been very honset about everything that’s going on, save for those few details.

I have no problems sharing what I was told I did that led to the boys Mother choosing the path that she has.  The details of the night she left can’t be shared without going to places I’ve said I wouldn’t, so I have to leave that alone.

That being said, the reasons she did the things she did and chose to leave are as follows. 

1) I ignored her and did everything in my power to avoid even talking to her.

2) I spent way to much time working on Lost and Tired.

3) I spent too much time working on the GPS tracking project.

4) I never spent any time with her

5) I monopolized her doctors appointments

These are the main things that she said led her to make the decisions she did and do the things she did. 

She’s entitled to feel the way she does and while I did spend a lot of time working on Lost and Tired, it shouldn’t have resulted in the destruction of my marriage, not by a long shot.

Read This  This was my "healthy" lunch today 

While I have never and will never even pretend to be perfect, I will say that part of why this hurt so badly was because everything I did was for her and the boys. 

I was essentially caring for 3 kids and a wife with special needs.  It wasn’t easy but I always felt it was worth it and never would have stopped.

This was so hard for me to accept because anyone that knew us in real life, has real life knowledge that I dedicated my entire self to her and the kids.  That’s way everyone was so shocked when all this happened, including the family therapist.

Look, I’m far from perfect and like anyone else, I make mistakes.  I completely own that and will never hide from it. I was always faithful, devoted and gave everything I had.

Again, this was the explanation I received for all that came to light on October 14, 2014.

While I will never understand and agree with her opinion, it is her right to feel that way. 

Let’s fast forward to the visitation arrangements.

When she chose to leave, she did so with the knowledge that I would be the one having to care for the kids full time and alone because she wasn’t able to. 

She also knew that it would mean very limited visitation with the kids because she required supervision from her parents and would have to work around their schedule, which proved to be very inconsistent.

She wanted Schedule A visits which still haven’t happened because of her situation.  It’s supposed to be 3 hours every other Wednesday night and every other weekend from 5pm Friday to 5 pm Sunday. 

The boys have dinner with her and their grandparents every other Wednesday.  They spend the night every other Friday from 5pm to Saturday sometime.  It’s supposed to be 5pm but the boys will sometimes come home early for various reasons. 

We did recently change the pick up time for the boys on Fridays.  They now go over from 3:15pm on Friday to sometime Saturday, usually around 5pm.

I’m not upset about this because I knew that it would be this way and frankly, it’s better for the kids. 

The choices that she’s made, continues to make and the path she’s chosen, very much limit her abilities.  Her emotional and physical health play a huge role in this as well. 

Read This  The boys made it to school a few minutes early 

I’m order to maintain my sanity and continue moving forward, I’ve had to accept this. 

For the longest time I was very focused, to the point of even trying to strongly encourage more visits, different choices and more involvement.  It never got me anywhere but frustrated. 

Accepting this is just the way things are going to be, has made life so much easier because I only worry about my responsibilities and my relationship with the kids.  Everything else is out of my hands. 

This has also allowed to me simply embrace whatever role she is able to play in the boys lives.

Is this ideal? Not even close. 

Is this fair? Of course not, especially to the kids…

Is there anything I can do about it? Absolutely not. 

Their Mother isn’t evil, mean spirited or a bad person.  She’s someone who’s battling serious mental illness and if you’ve ever read her blog, you would hear that straight from her.  She’s dealing with more than her fair share of physical ailments as well.

All of these things limit her capacity to be a full time parent. 

Does this excuse or somehow undo all the damage she’s caused? No it doesn’t but it helps put things into context or at least it should.

I’ve said this many times, but I’ll say it again, she’s not the same person I married.  I feel and will always feel that something is very wrong. 

That being said, she’s given me final say in everything because she knows that I have all the responsibility.  It’s written into our dissolution agreement and is a sticking point for me.

When I talk about difficult decisions I’ve had to make, I’m usually referring to when I have to make the final decision on something in regards to a visit or not allowing something to take place because I have to ensure the best interests of the kids. 

I truly hate having to be in this position but it’s all part of this new job I was forced into. 

I’ve literally given her everything she’s asked for, in regards to this divorce. These were her decisions and her actions that led us all down this path. 

I don’t agree with the majority of life choices she’s making or has made in the days or weeks leading up to her leaving in the first place.  I can’t do anything about them and so I concern myself with only enough as it impacts her contact with the kids. 

Read This  There's two words that describe my day today...

The relationship I have with her parents is unaffected by the things she’s done.  I trust her parents enough to supervise the visits.  They’re awesome Grandparents, we get along great and they are a permanent part of the boys life. 

This remains the case, even with the boys Mom actively trying to prevent any and all contact between myself and anyone in her family. 

When you read this blog, you have to understand and accept that there’s a rhyme and reason for everything that I do.  Some things you’ll more easily understand and others not so much because it’s hard to put things in context without all the information. 

You simply won’t always have all the information. 

I’m hoping this sorta provides a bit more clarity into things.  This is more in depth than I’ve ever shared previously and it’s important to know, in order to help keep things in perspective. 

Lastly, I want to make something very, very clear.  The only victims in this situation are the kids.  She’s certainly not a victim as everything that’s happened was a conscious choice on her part.  While my life was turned upside down and ripped apart, just like the kids, I’m an adult, they aren’t. 

I do resent anything said to the contrary because the boys are the victims here. They have no control over this and have suffered a tremendous loss, while generally lacking the coping skills to deal with it. 

I’m happy to answer your questions but only as they pertain to what I’ve said above.  The rest isn’t my story to tell. 

This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉

Please remember to visit my Sponsors, Like, Tweet and Share my posts on your favorite social media outlets.

I can’t do this without your help. So, if you like what I’m doing, PLEASE consider supporting my efforts. Click here to find ways you can help for FREE.




13 Comments

  1. tannawings

    You really didnt even have to explain that much… in general people who leave (unless it is outright abuse) leave for very flimsy reasons. They just pull whatever is in their head and work it to their advantage and go. Truthfully, she was ‘gone’ long before she told you. I am sorry she is the way she is, but you just have to accept it and move on as much as possible. Unfortunately you have to keep in contact for the sake of the kids, but, thats both your lots in life as you created the children in common.

    Really, for the most part, I think the boys are doing well. Whether a child is on a spectrum or as ‘normal’ as can be, a divorce or separation hurts. To a kid, half of their word is gone. All kids deal with it differently as you are experiencing and it lasts a long time especially with younger kids as they just cant process it had nothing to do with them, They have good days, bad days, act out , and flip flop with feelings. The person in the trenches everyday sees it the most and thats you.

    I am so glad her folks are so devoted and willing to be a part of you and the boys lives, if they werent there, it would get very ugly. I wish them good health and that they are able to keep doing what they do for a long time. The only concerning thing is ” This remains the case, even with the boys Mom actively trying to prevent any and all contact between myself and anyone in her family.” Thats too bad as they (the boys) are the ones who suffer…. but it isnt unusual in a divorce, separation, breakup whatever others are forced to almost chose sides.

    Do I think she is doing all she can do? No. I never go easy on an absent parent I am sorry Rob, there is so much going on you cant reveal, but if she was a he, my view would be the same. If you create children, you have an obligation, you have something that is so precious, that to not want to contribute, not do all you can to support the person caring for the kids that it just turns my stomach. I am sorry, but thats just me. Children are a blessing, It shouldnt be so hard for you, but you are one of millions of single parents that it is….. youre doing s good job. You will fumble, but you will get up and dust yourself off. Its all you can do.

    1. Thanks. I pretty much agree with everything you’ve said. I choose to accept this because it’s the only thing I have control over and life is better when you let go of the things that are eating you alive.

      Thank You again for your always thoughtful comments

  2. Braden

    While I appreciate your position….You really can’t have it both ways..you either need to accept that people are going to have opinions on your divorce (and life) based on the posts you make or you can’t post about it…there really isn’t any in between with it.

    1. Braden,

      This is a great example of what I mean. Completely missing the point and instead share an opinion that really isn’t relevant.

      There’s absolutely an in between, you can choose to accept it or not. That’s a limitation you place on yourself. I don’t really care which you do because the vast majority of my readers understand where I’m coming from and accept that there are things I don’t talk about.

      I ignore most thoughtless comments but sometimes people simply fabricate things, put words in my mouth or take things completely out of context.

      I shared this because I was hoping it would provide a little more insight into the reasons I do things the way I do.

  3. Darcy Dallin

    In regards to my other questions/responses, thank you, you did clear up some things & I know you didn’t have to, so I appreciate it. Maybe you won’t feel the same way, but if I was writing a blog I would be putting everything out there & I wouldn’t care what others thought. Give me all the criticism in the world.
    From all your post, and maybe I’m misunderstanding things, from what I read, you kept saying you didn’t control things but you DO control things & that’s a good thing, you are controlling what you can when it comes to protecting the boys. No, the other things you can’t control, but it’s good that you know what you can control & you do & don’t worry about the rest.
    It did clear up the fact that mom can’t, at this time, handle more time with the boys. Maybe that might change, maybe not, but it’s not something to worry about or do changes slowly.
    Usually when a kid thinks their parent is going to be mad at them for something they say/want is because they aren’t being told the truth & there’s hiding of the truth, so kids think it’s their fault or they’re bad. I know you want to protect the boys, but without going into detail, detail, you can still tell the boys the truth & do you? Or does their mother? I don’t want mom blaming you to the kids for things, etc. How did mom smooth over the crying episode of Emmett wanting to spend more time with his mom? Rob, did you simply state that at this time mom is working on a few things & can’t handle more time right now? That way the boys don’t blame anyone in particular? Not talking about the truth it makes the boys feel bad & like they can’t say their feelings.
    Plus you use this blog to help people, but when you withhold information on what you did or said to help the boys or yourself because you’re trying to ‘protect’ someone, than you’re not helping others like you would like.
    Sorry, also why I get so ‘passionate’ about my comments is because I am Lizzie & I am Rob. I have been on both sides & been both people. I read to what seems to ME you ‘bashing’ Lizzie & I guess I take it personally that you are bashing mentally ill people that you can’t trust what they say & I read that you want to move on but than it seemed to me that you were punishing lizzie for leaving that you were withholding visitation with the kids. Trust you me, I never thought Lizzie was the victim. I am fighting very hard for my kids, and go back to court next week, but I do understand why parents leave their kids & spouses. Like I’ve said, I understand both sides.

    1. All I’m going to say is that you still don’t get it. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m not withholding anything to protect her. I’m doing it to protect the boys. I’ve said that from day one.

      I also said I don’t have control over her and her actions. There’s lots of things I have control over but she is not one of them.

      I’ve never bashed her and never will. I don’t care what she’s done, shes still the mother on my kids. If anything, I’m too nice about it. I state facts and my personal story.

      Lastly, you cannot apply your situation here because A) I don’t know why you don’t have your kids, B) you tend to personalize things and lose the original meaning behind my words.

      I don’t know how make this any more clear and frankly, I’m just going to have to accept that some people won’t get it.

      I don’t mean that as a slam but I’m not going to continue trying to explain something when all you’re going to do is twist my words.

      I wish you all the luck in the world with your kids and whatever court battles you have ahead of you.

  4. Jimmy Rock

    As you said, you don’t owe an explanation to anyone about anything. This is your blog– you can say or not say whatever you want as you see fit. As you acknowledge, sometimes the missing pieces can make it difficult for readers to put everything you write into its proper context, but you are generally receptive to questions or comments.

    What you’ve written here may shed some further light on your circumstances, but whether or not it does, what I don’t understand are the comments here that are seemingly intentionally antagonistic or just mean-spirited. There’s a difference between those types of comments and those which just display some frustration either from not knowing the full story or simply wanting to help by pointing out a different perspective.

    The fact remains that you have pretty unusual circumstances surrounding your divorce and its related arrangements. Equally unusual is your determination, to fault, to accommodate the boys’ mother to be in the boys’ lives in the very limited capacity that she is capable of, despite the challenging circumstances that this puts you in. Not everyone is going to be able to understand that or relate to that.

    Keep doing what you’re doing.

    1. Well said. I’m always open to questions or comments. I don’t care if someone has a different opinion either. Where I get frustrated is when, like you said, people are looking to trip me up or antagonize me.

      When I respond to them and maybe with some vigor, they then say I only like comments that agree with me.

      I like all comments that are tactful, respectful of those involved and aren’t judgmental in nature.

      Thanks Jimmy. I really appreciate it your support.

  5. pegster999

    I know you are doing the best for your sons. But I admit I do get frustrated reading sometimes. It seems she’s enabled to do whatever she wants with no accountability, and to make no effort towards getting herself better or for her sons. Her reasons for leaving scream needy and selfish. I know mental illness drives that. I just feel bad you’ve been left with all the responsibility.

    1. Thanks… I’ve found that you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip. The way I see it is this. I’m very lucky that she at least recognizes her limitations and isn’t trying to take on more than she’s capable of.

      Franky, I don’t much care what she does anymore. As long as it doesn’t directly impact the boys.

      I’ve let go of trying to help and have taken instead to praying that she someday finds her way. She’s not a bad person and is making more of an effort now than before but that doesn’t make any of this fair.

      I’m choosing to focus on bettering myself so I can be better for my kids.

      Thanks ☺

  6. Ok, I’ve read a few times, but never commented. I’ve read some past comments by consistent commenters, and I’m just floored at the audacity for “strangers” that try to “counsel” you based on their own situations. Their own situation and feelings become projected into E.V.E.R.Y. comment they make. It seems ridiculous that you even have to explain yourself to this point.

    Granted, some people “think” they “know” you because they read your blog or have followed you for awhile. Of course, they have the best advice and answers and all solutions because, well, you know…everyone’s situation is all the same! (Insert sarcasm here).

    You are right, some people aren’t going to “get” it, and you have to let it be. There are stories that can’t be explained publically to other people, without sharing every single detail, and I admire your stand to not do that. Keep writing and doing your thang… your character will defend itself.

Please Share Your Thoughts