Please understand that I’m using this post to help me process some very complicated feelings and emotions. This all just kinda came to the surface as I was trying to fall asleep and I’m desperately hoping that purging will help me find some peace. This isn’t about blame or anger, it’s about trying to simply understand why something happened, so I can learn from it and move forward…. While I’m hurting, I’m not angry.
The hardest thing I’ve experienced in my life thus far is the abrupt, completely unexpected end of my marriage. Since October 14, 2014 I’ve lived every single day of my life wondering what was so wrong with me, that I was no longer worthy of someone’s love.
If you know me, you know that I don’t always have a high opinion of myself. I’m very self-conscious and I always struggle when I’m paid a compliment.
I haven’t had too many long term relationships. As I sorta grew into myself a bit during college, I dated a lot but the truth is, I’ve only been in 2 long term relationships. My first was with my high school sweetheart and that was quite a few years. My second was with my wife and that was the last 15 years.
When things ended, especially the way things ended, I just climbed back into my shell and aside from my kids, I pretty much tried to hide from everyone.
If you’ve been reading my words since Lost and Tired, you can probably tell the difference in my writing as well. I just closed myself off.
It’s hard for me because I don’t know what I did wrong. I was never perfect but I was devoted to my family and did the very best I could with the cards I was dealt. I know our life wasn’t easy but I always believed it was worth it. The truth is, sometimes it only takes one person. I know that’s not a popular answer with some people but I don’t know what else to say.
The family therapist can’t even tell me what I did wrong and she knows way more about our lives than pretty much anyone else in the world. How can I learn from this and not make the same mistakes in the future, if I don’t know what I did wrong?
None of this is about not wanting to take ownership or responsibility for anything. It’s just the opposite. I want to understand what happened or what’s wrong with me, so I can change and maybe meet someone else someday.
I’ve never shyed away from taking responsibility for anything I’ve done. When I make a mistake, I own it. That’s how I was raised and I don’t know any other way. It’s easier for me to admit I was wrong and own up to it, than it is for me to admit to some of the really positive things I’ve accomplished and actually take credit for it. There are so many things that I do to help people who’ve reached out to me because of this blog, almost on a daily basis, that I’ve never shared with anyone and probably never will.
I’m more than happy to admit to all my stupid parenting mistakes and I’ve made some big ones along the way. To me, owning up to a mistake is the only way I can learn and move on.
Here I am, creeping closer and closer to being on my own for two years and I still haven’t moved on. I don’t know how to do that and to be completely honest, I don’t know how to even begin to trust someone again or simply put myself out there.
There are so many things I don’t like about myself. Some are outside of my control and some aren’t. This experience has basically reinforced all the fear and self-doubt I’ve had for years.
I don’t shutdown because I can’t. My kids require every last ounce of time, energy, patience and whatever else I can muster up.
This whole situation is very complicated because there are so many moving parts and not all of them function the way they should. That makes this whole thing so much harder on me and I need to learn to accept I may never understand the reasons, logic and driving force behind losing the most important person in my life for the last 15 years.
Sometimes these feelings bubble up through the many cracks in my facade and I need to sorta spill my guts or pour my heart out, in hopes of being able to process these complicated feelings.