I wasn’t sure if I was going to touch on this part of my life with this new blog but I’m not really sure how I couldn’t.
Everyone has a moment in their life that changes the the course of everything going forward. That moment for me, occurred on the night of October 14, 2014. That’s the night that my wife left and never returned.
I thought that we were the exception to the rule.
It was her second marriage and we were a blended family with special needs children. I suppose the cards were stacked against us but I never saw this coming and there are still times I wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was just a bad dream.
I guess everyone deals with things differently but that’s never been me.
My wife and kids were the most important thing in the world to me. My kids still are and always will be.
I have to learn to let go of the rest and that’s hard for me to do.
My wife isn’t the same person anymore and there’s nothing left of the best friend I’d had for almost half of my life. There’s nothing left of the person I married and built my family with. It’s sorta left this void in me and I don’t know how to grieve it…
Truthfully, I feel like the woman I was in love with, died and I can’t reconcile that against the fact that I still see her. That’s not meant to be any kind of personal slam either. It’s just the only way I can describe what I’m experiencing.
Most of the time I’m okay. Most of the time I’ve moved on, at least to some extent.
There are times however, that something triggers a thought and all of a sudden, I’m completely overtaken by this tsunami of memories. I try really hard not to think about these things or remember but it’s also like I just don’t want to forget. I think that’s an oxymoron…
My kids keep me more than busy and most of the time, I really don’t think about it.
At the same time though, 14 years is hard to not remember and so much of this still seems unnatural to me.
Thankfully though, It’s not all bad.
In fact, there are some incredibly positive things that have resulted from all of this. I’ve discovered that I’m a pretty good parent. I’m the definition of imperfect but I’m raising three very challenging kids on my own and I never thought I would find the strength to even make it this far.
Then of course there’s Gavin….Gavin went from someone who was unable to co-exist in the same house with us to someone the boys and I couldn’t exist without.
That’s been such a blessing and I’m so incredibly grateful to have my son back, as are the boys to have their big brother.
Generally speaking, I’m happy. I’ve got a great deal going for me and there’s very real potential for the boys and I to be doing very well at some point in the near future. For now and until my proverbial ship comes in, the boys and Imare struggling in many ways.
I tend to struggle when I see the boys in pain, emotional or physical and this whole thing has traumatized them. They’re hurting in ways that I can’t fix and they will likely carry at least some of this with them for the rest of their lives.
For the last ten months or so, every ounce of energy I have gets poured into helping the boys simply make it through the day. As I succumb to the exhaustion, that’s when I slip into an emotional place where I struggle with my own grief, anger, frustration and heartache.
My goals are practical and realistic. I simply want to make it through the day, with my boys doing a little better than the previous day. I want to help them heal, learn to trust again and move forward with as little permanent scaring as possible. That’s like three full time jobs and the hours are 24/7/365.
Fortunately though, my boys are worth the effort and so am I…