I probably need more help than I’m getting 

I had a really bad night, amounting to less than 2 hours of sleep. Emmett got up extremely early and was not going back to bed. 

The boys let me nap this morning and I’m grateful for that beyond words because I couldn’t even get my eyes to focus. I’m lucky because as long as I’m right there, I can close my eyes for a short period of time without the universe imploding.

I say I’m lucky because not everyone will even get that.. 😟

The sleep that I did get was shrouded in a disorienting theme that I’m struggling with, long after they ceased to be. 

  
Truthfully, I probably need to get a bit more help with this than I am and perhaps I’ll be better able to do so after the boys start back to but it’s this . It’s eating away at me and while the last year has clearly taught me that it’s all for the best, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

I’m really not looking forward to the next month and a half but at the same time, I am. 

It’s going to be very painful on Monday, to turn 37 years old and a week later wake up to my 12th anniversary. A month after that will be the one year mark of night my wife walked out of our lives. 

It feels like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun as I look ahead to these milestones. I truly don’t know how to make it through.

At the same time, I anxious for these pivotal dates to come and go because  from what I hear, life becomes easier and the dates will hold less meaning or have less impact as time goes on. 

Anyway, when I have these types of dreams, it’s only when I wake up that I face the nightmare all over again. The truly ironic part of this is that my dreams are of my being together and doing well. It’s so peaceful but when I wake up it takes a little bit for me to realize that it was just a dream and I face the loss once again. 

That’s kinda messed up and maybe that means that I’m kinda messed up as well……..

Either way, I just have to pick myself up and carry on because there are three things I’m living for and they need me to be their everything. 



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