I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve been really tired for one thing but the other thing is that I’m emotionally struggling a little bit.
I’m not sure how to explain it other than just saying that I’m sad.
The truth is that it’s not that simple. What I’m feeling is very complex and frankly, confusing for me.
The boys and I made it through Christmas and for all intents and purposes, it was good. It was way better than last year anyway.
Most of the time I’m doing just fine. I really am.
That said, there are still times where I just feel sad because my marriage is over. It’s been a year and three months now and I still feel a profound sense of loss.
What makes this complex is the fact that I don’t miss the person that walked out 15 months ago. I really don’t. I miss the person I married and built a family with.
Under no circumstances would I even entertain the idea of not going through with this divorce.
Some things simply can’t be undone and some boundaries can’t be uncrossed. Sometimes trust can’t be unbroken and broken hearts can’t be put back together by the person who shattered them.
At the same time, I feel an emptiness that I can’t seem to fill.
I’m happy with the life that the boys and I are building together. It’s obviously a work in progress but 2016 is going to be better than 2015 and that’s a good thing.
I’ve contemplated 2016 being the year that I think about putting myself out there and maybe actually do it.
The thing is, I’m struggling a little or more than a little, with self-esteem issues.
I’ve got pretty thick skin and am/was confident enough to not care what most people thought about me or said about me.
No matter how confident someone is, there’s always that one person you’re vulnerable to. There’s always that one person who you care very deeply what they think of you.
In my case, it was my wife. I could’ve had the whole world hate me, as long as she didn’t. The whole world could’ve come crashing down around us and it wouldn’t have mattered because we were together.
That was the chink in my armor.
Never in a million years would I have believed she would be the one to bring my world crashing down around me and so when it happened, I was caught completely off guard.
When the one person you trust, love and respect more than anyone else in the world, breaks your heart, trust and the very vows they swore to uphold, it can have devastating consequences.
For me, I still don’t really understand what happened and I think that most people in our immediate lives don’t either. There’s always the haters but their opinions are meaningless because more often than not, they’re talking out of their ass and haven’t a clue as to what actually happened.
When faced with something like this, my brain wants to understand what happened and why.
Sometimes there’s just no logic to be found and those questions remain unanswered.
That has led me to question everything about myself.
I’ve questioned my judgement, my value, my role as a husband and even my worthiness of someone’s love and affections.
I know I’m a good person, imperfect in many ways but a good person nonetheless. My family loves me, as do my kids but don’t they sorta have too?
Over the last 15 months and with the help of therapy, I’d say about 90% of the time I know that whatever happened had very little to do with me and I always know that the boys and I are better off.
It’s sorta like being unplugged from the Matrix. While you’re plugged in, you have this life that is everything you’ve ever wanted. Not perfect but nothing ever is.
One day, you get that plug yanked out of the back of your head and you realize that none of it was real. Nothing was ever what you thought it was. Your life was a construct or fabrication and the reality is that the real world is harsh and unforgiving.
Even though you realize that you were plugged into the Matrix and nothing was real, there’s a part of you that yearns to returned to the blissful ignorance because it’s all you’ve ever known.
If you’ve never seen The Matrix, that analogy will be lost to you but if you have, that’s the best way I can think to explain it.
Anyway, I really am happier now but there are just some times where I stumble. The holidays are one of those times and the last few days have been rough.
Every year seems to be getting easier though. I plan on picking myself up and moving forward because that’s just what needs to happen for myself and the boys.
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