Sorry about the absence but it’s been a pretty rough day for me

I’ve been largely absent since yesterday morning.  For starters, I’ve had a ton of stuff going on and I’ve been yanked in quite a few different directions. 

There’s a lot of things I’m trying to internally process but it’s in many ways, like spinning my wheels and getting nowhere fast or really anywhere at all for that matter. 

Being a parent isn’t easy. Being a single parent isn’t easy on any level.  Being a single parent to a child with is extremely challenging. Being a single parent to three kids with Autism, while rewarding and totally worth it, is a whole bunch of other shit as well. 

This newer journey is really testing my resilience in ways I can’t even explain. 

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I figure at some point I’ll get my bearings but truthfully, I thought that would have happened by now.  It feels like I just can’t get any traction and that’s really frustrating. 

Dr. Pattie and I were talking last night about the boys.  There’s always discussions about the stuff that’s going good for them, as well as the things that we still need to focus on.  It’s all very much a work in progress and that’s not likely to change anytime soon but that’s life..

I sometimes feel that it’s taking me way too long to heal from everything that’s happened.  As was recently pointed out in a comment by someone I once considered a friend, why can’t I just move on with my life like the boy’s Mother has? That’s something I asked Dr. Pattie about last night because I only want to do right by the boys. 

I’m worried that healing is something that’s proving to be difficult because I’m living with the consequences of someone else’s actions. The majority of my time and energy is spent on my kids, as it should be but it really limits the time I have to spend on myself.

Even if I do everything right (which never happens), there’s still nothing I can do to make things better for the boys. On a daily basis, I give them every ounce of everything I have but I can’t take the place of what they’ve lost.  I can’t fill that void.

Dr. Pattie told me that there’s no predetermined time-frame for something like this. Healing is process that’s different for everyone and I’ll get there. 

It’s much more difficult to find my way, when I’m always wrapped up in taking care of everyone else and I guess that makes sense. 

Anyway, that’s just a little peak into where my heads at right now. 

Thankfully, there’s very little going on during the day today… I have a meeting right after the boys go to but that’s about it.  We have Dr. Pattie after school and then the boys have dinner with their Mom. 

I’m hoping to get caught up on a few things and finish working on some changes I’m making to this site to help increase revenue.

Now I just want to find some sleep before my alarm goes off in a few hours..  ☺



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  • Ellen Beck

    Dr Pattie is on mark with your ‘healing’ it happens when it happens.
    Some of it (and this is just my opinion) that may be delaying it, is you are in a home you shared, you look at your children and see her, your memories are made by your experiences in places and time. It’s a bit tougher, in your old kitchen where perhaps you blew out birthday candles (or whatever she did in whatever place) not to think of it . You are also sensitive (also my opinion) and when you give you give completely. It’s pretty tough to draw back from that, even if you know in your head, your heart says differently.
    One of these days you will be able to put those old feelings away, not yet, because for some reason youre not done with them. But someday you will be. Someday you will smile at the old memories of blowing out a birthday candle and it wont be about her or what you have lost, but about the day, the celebration,
    Just keep going, things are already so much better for you, and they will continue to get better.

  • Val

    I just don’t think it’s useful to compare our healing (or suffering, for that matter) with anyone else’s. What good does it do, other than to make us feel either crappy or superior, neither which are very noble feelings. In , if it bothers YOU to be in the place that you are in with your healing, then that is the jumping off spot to talk about it with someone, which you are doing. Just my 2 cents worth, of which I have about a bazillion dollars more of, in case anybody wants my opinion on anything, lol.