After I cooled off, I sat him down and apologized for losing control. I explained that I had been frustrated and while I needed to address some of his behaviors, I should not have yelled at him. I further explained that even grownups make mistakes and it’s important that we own them when we do.
Mr. Emmett forgave me very quickly but I haven’t forgiven myself.
Did I do anything wrong? Not really. I raised my voice to my 11 year old son. I’m not proud of it but I have impossibly high standards set for myself and when I feel I fuck up or let mt kids down, I absolutely beat the shit out of myself.
I need to remember that I’m only human and parenting in general is hard. When you add to that things like Autism, ADHD, severe anxiety and depression, you sorta find yourself in a whole different universe of parenting challenges. Pointing that out is not meant to pass the blame onto my kids or give me a free pass to lose my temper. What’s it’s meant to do is help me maintain perspective. I have the absolute honor of raising three amazing, beautiful, brilliant, creative, empathetic, compassionate and kind human beings. At the same time, these little humans can very much push me to the ends of my very real human limits. That’s just the reality I live in.
It’s not perfect and it’s often messy but I’m an okay parent, doing my very best I can for the three people I love more than life itself. I’m going to make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s important that I own them, learn from them and apply those lessons to future events, so as to avoid making the same mistakes again. It’s also very important that I learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.
After the very insightful discussion this weekend with my new friend, I was reminded of something I was quoted for saying a few years ago.
I’m not a perfect parent but I’m the perfect person to parent my kids.
I hope this helps you guys remember to forgive yourself for making mistakes and recognize the fact that while all of our circumstances are different, we’re all human.