A very special kind of pain

I thought long and hard before posting this because I’m still trying to find that balance between public and private life. That being said, when people decide to make very public , in a manner that my readers may actually discover before I do, I feel as though confessing how this impacts me personally, is relevant. It’s relevant to better understanding the journey my boys are on. 

Please remember that while you are welcome to share your thoughts, feelings and opinions, I ask that you please be respectful. Taking the higher road is something I that pride myself on and it’s the example I want to set for my kids. 
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There’s a special kind of pain that occurs when your wife publicly announces on Facebook that she’s in a new relationship before you’re even divorced…..

Am I angry? No….

Am I hurt? Yes doesn’t quite cover it….

Does that mean I still want to fix my marriage? No..

Friendship is based on trust. Trust is a very fragile and living thing, that once broken can’t always be healed or fixed.

Marriage is based on both friendship and trust. These are not mutually exclusive, meaning you cannot have one without the other.

What I’ve lost has proven to be unworthy of saving. I still grieve because what I’ve actually lost and what I thought I had, turned out to be two very different things.

My one wish is that perhaps the boys and I will be blessed with the ability to move on as well……

Right now we’re still busy picking up the pieces of our lives and trying to figure out where they go…..



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  • Darcy Dallin

    Sounds like my Ex, despite the circumstances of marriage & because they’re all different & we all heal, grieve differently, for the ones who can move on so quickly are the ones who are only thinking of themselves & not their kids or even their own wellbeing. Lizzie can move on better, faster, less worry, etc, because she bailed on her kids & is taking care of herself & has all the time in the world to be out there. Some people are manipulative & can be not alone for fear of being lonely! Everything will hurt regardless.

  • Lori Homayon-jones

    Hugs mate. Keep your head up x

    • Thanks.. I appreciate the love… ☺

  • tannawings

    My only hope is that your ‘ex;’ doesnt trry introducing the new person into your children’s life too early (if at all) She has issues, and probably not the best decision making skills. I know the boys spend very little time with her, and usually only at her folks house.
    This shouldnt surprise you (her moving on) as Darcy pointed out she has little to nothing holding her back.
    Get your final.

    • I’ve known about this for a very long time. You’re right in everything you said. I wasn’t surprised she moved on as she moved in a long time ago.

      What I am surprised about and what hurts is that she’s being so public about how happy she is, while her kids are struggling to put their lives back together. That’s what hurts.

      Unfortunately, at the moment, financial issues are slowing the process. There are things I have to pay for in order to file and I just can’t afford it at the moment.

      I’m hoping to get this done as soon as possible as all the paperwork is done and notarized already.

      • tannawings

        Just throwing out ideas here…. have you asked her to pay? I mean really, she left, She obviously was the person who initiated and also wants to finalize it. Please dont give her any excuses. None.

        You are sitting there, not divorced, giving the woman all kinds of outs. I am sorry Rob, but if you were standing in front of my face I likely would be even more ‘harsh’ about it.

        Lets see………. you are taking care of 3 kids. ALL of them she produced, One, you stepped up and adopted, and yes he is your son, but my goodness, the woman could give a crap about him, or the other children she birthed. For a few hours a week, she does you a favor and takes them (or rather her folks do) . Does she give you one thin dime to feed those boys? clothes? What about electricity, gas, water? Anything?

        I know why she DOESNT want a divorce… because she would have to pay child support. She would have some responsibility. The state doesnt give a tinkers darn if she doesnt have money, support will be ordered. Period. For all they care she can pick up cans and turn them in. If you or your kids get any kind of state aid, they can and will find her and make her step up. And they should.

        I hope for your kids sake whatever is in that is very specific. I hope she was fair now and in the future to her children. I hope you didnt give her more excuses because frankly in , she is a poor excuse for a human being. She hurts you, thats no big deal (you are an adult) she hurts kids, thats a whole different story.

        We all care for you Rob, you didnt deserve this garbage. Youre a good man, but now is the time to be Pappa Bear and make sure those boys are protected. Hugs….

        • The main reason we didn’t go the route was that we pretty much already agreed on everything. While financially things are bad, walking away from this will total control over what happens to my kids is all that matters.

          Everything is setup that I make every attempt to discuss with her whatever is going on, be it related or medically related. If we can’t agree on something, I make the decision on my own and my say is final.

          The rest is quite frankly, far less important to me.

          I’ve discussed full custody but there really isn’t much difference between what I have now and that.

          I would never exclude her from making decisions about the wellbeing of our kids. I certainly wouldn’t need a court order for that. I get along very well with her parents as well and I want them to be as involved as they can be, regardless of wherever might be.

          Lizze loves the boys. I don’t question that. I have my suspicions as to what triggered this sudden change in her. Regardless of how amazing of a Mother she used to be, that doesn’t even begin to offset the reality of what the boys and I are dealing with now.

          Truthfully, I don’t think she has the capacity to be a parent anymore. Something inside her just broke and she made choices and are very difficult to come back from. That said, I never doubt she loves the boys, it’s just not the way it used to be. I’m grateful that she at least recognises that the kids need to be with me and that she can’t care for them, at least at this point.

          As bad as this is, it could have been much worse. Regardless of her motives and I can only speculate as to what those are, she’s not seeking anything more than what she’s already got. I know that’s not really amounting to anything, but it keeps this out of court and prevents the kids from being dragged through even more unpleasantness.

          That doesn’t mean that I agree with or support anything she’s doing because I don’t. I also don’t buy into the never ending list of excuses either.

          My personal feelings aside, my only priority is making sure the kids are in the best place possible and that, in my opinion is with me. I would hope that at some point, she heals enough to recognize things for what are and make efforts to correct them.

          I just want my kids to be okay. I would love for her and the boys to have a happy and healthy relationship. Unfortunately, that’s outside of my control and all I can do is control what I can. If after all is said and done, the boys and I can begin moving forward, without being shackled by her decisions, that the ideal situation.

          It breaks my heart to see who she’s become and I have compassion for her. I pray that someday she will be a Mother to her kids in the way they need her to be.

          • tannawings

            Here goes my ‘hardhness’ gosh how I wish I could sit you down and have a cup of coffee with you.

            I am going to start with your own words and go from there… ” The main reason we didn’t go the divorce route was that we pretty much already agreed on everything. ” Rob, thiere is no such thing as agreeing on anything when it comes to divorce or death. I have seen some darn nasty stuff. This week, she might be OK and agree, next week, things might totally change. Get it in writing. She is not stable.

            “I’ve discussed full custody but there really isn’t much difference between what I have now and that.” Yes, sir, there is a huge difference. For a year, you have been their sole provider. If you have sole custody only you can claim tthem say on taxes, and apply for benefits forr them. You wont need to disscuss anything with anyone. Those kids are yours. Period.

            On an offshoot from this, I am going to bring this up…. your wife is involved with someone (yes I saw who) what if in the future she and he decide they want the boys and this isnt finalized or it isnt a full custody to you? Do you think there is anything stopping her from petitioning the court that she and he could in fact provide a ‘more stable home’ because there are 2 parents? Please mul this point in your head. Think hard about it. Doo you think he cant petition the court if they were married? It has happened before.

            ” but it keeps this out of court and prevents the kids from being dragged through even more unpleasantness.” Rob,, this isnt your wifes first rodeo in regards to divorce. A diissolution is fine, but get that support set and also get full cutody.

            I have no doubt she loves her kids in her own way, I commend you for being who and what you are. I commend you for being so compassionate. But please, protect those boys now and in the future, Haaving full custody doesnt prevent her nor her parents from seeing the kids, it just keeps you in control.

            I wish I could hug you. You really are a good man, and Lizzie doesnt know what she lost when she left. I tink someday she will.

            • Okay… Part of the reason I’m doing things the way I am is because it will establish certain things and help to ensure my position, should there be any unforseen things arise, as you discussed.

              The only thing that I’m not 100% comfortable with as far as this disillusion goes, is that I don’t have 100% full custody.

              I’m the custodial parent but we’ve also included specific wording that I have final say in everything.

              For me to gain full custody, I would have to go to court. I would win, there’s little doubt about that but it would cost money that I don’t have and it doesn’t really accomplish more than what’s all ready in the modified shared agreement.

              As far as her coming after anything more than what’s alresdy there, I don’t see that ever happening because there would have to be a significant changes to her life that I know will never happen.

              Everyone involved in this from a advocacy perspective forbthe boys would never support that unless there were major, major changes.

              Honestly, she knows she would never win that and her and i have discussed this at length.

              I’m not looking to strip her of her rights. At this point, that wouldn’t be in the best interest of the boys.

              I feel as though the way this will play out, is going to provide me with the assurances, legally speaking, to maintain final say in everything.

              I truly don’t want it to be this way and I would love for her to get her life together and be a bigger part of the boys lives but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the boys are with me and I will have the legal authority to ensure their best interests without doing what I said I would never do. Stripping of her rights would be an absolute last resort and something that really isn’t even on the table because our modified dissolution will provided the same basic protections.

              If I had the money to get a lawyer, perhaps it would be a different story but legal aide is joke and they are beyond backed up.

              My hope is that handling things the way I am will not only establish a paper trail but also show that I’ve made a good faith effort to take the high road. Should my path ever need to change, certain patterns need to be well documented.

              Like I said, it’s not a perfect solution but based on everything I know about where I stand and what’s going on, this is the best approach for now.

              This does need to get finalized though and for that, I need the funding to pay for it and I’m working on that.. ☺

              I totally appreciate everything you’re say and we can have a more private conversation if you want to shoot me an email.. I just don’t discuss some of this publicly…

              • tannawings

                I do understand you not wanting too discuss this publically, others can and do I am sure read yur blog.
                Please do mull over things. The way it sounds, she will be in far more of a hurry than you will when push comes to shove . Cover your bases. Yes legal aide is a joke as far as divorce or domestic situations. They arent designed for that.

                PS full custody strips no one of their rights. One is the custodial parent the other is non custodial.

                • Thanks… ☺

                  This is a modified shared agreement that essentially gives me the same rights and makes me custodial parent as well..

                  Assuming the courts sign off on it, it should be pretty cut and dry. 8 am covering my bases though, just in case. I just play my cards close to the vest..

                  Have a great Thanksgiving ☺

                  • tannawings

                    You also 🙂 I happened to be over commenting on your Thanksgiving post as this came in ! Have a good one, its gonna be fine.

  • Alyssa Rogers Williams

    Sorry, just read this. I know it hurts, and it’s a bit sick and twisted to me, does she ever announce, “by the way I only see my kids x amount a month now so I’m released from all personal responsibility?” (Probably not)………but you are old enough now to see patterns with people and relationships. Have you ever heard the term “emotional vampires”? They move on quickly and just start the process again.

    In my state there are $100 agreed divorces where both parties just fill out what they agree on and file on their own. In guessing Ohio unfortunately has no such thing or that with the boys you need every little power given TO YOU. And yeah, that costs.

    I know you’ve said her parents are good people, but are they concerned she’s acting 18 with no kids when she does have responsibilities?

    Your mantra: I am grateful to the universe for allowing me to escape.

    What seemed real or was real is no longer so, you are better off, decidedly so and I don’t think one reader would disagree.

    • Her parents are are truly doing the best they can in this complex situation. I don’t envy them but we are on very, very good terms. They love the boys and are just trying to navigate this mine field, same as me. There are things that aren’t public and you’ll have to trust that I am doing the best I can and so are they.

      Thank you so much for your support.. 🙂

      • Alyssa Rogers Williams

        Totally understand about all things not being public and very good to know they’re good people. You’re right, it *is* complex ! 😉

        • Thanks for all your kind words and support. It really does mean a great deal to know that people care about myself and the kids.. ☺