Let me begin by saying that depression is a bitch. It has its fingers in every aspect of my life and I’m not afraid to admit that there are many times where it gets the better of me.
I’ve been at war with depression since I was a teenager.
The very first time I was in love, it was with someone who was being violated by someone she should have been able to trust and it had been going on since she was a child.
When I found out, I made sure that it stopped and then my life became dedicated to helping her through the fallout.
That’s a lot for a 16 year old me to deal with and it set in motion an emotional tailspin that led to me almost failing out of college.
It was then that I first realized that I had been at war with depression for some time and needed to get help.
Fast forward a decade or two and I find myself going through a very painful divorce, raising 3 very beautiful but challenging special needs kids on my own and struggling to do so.
If I were to design the perfect situation for depression to wage war on my life, I couldn’t have done better than the situation I’ve found myself in for over a year now.
My family was/is the most important thing in my life.
Losing my best friend of almost 15 years, has been the most painful experience of my entire life or so I thought.
I soon learned that watching my emotionally fragile kids, struggle to put their lives back together after their Mother walked out….well, there aren’t words to describe just how painful that is for me.
Depression is like a fog. It can obscure the truth and seriously impacts my outlook.
I’m being treated and I take my meds but meds and counseling can only do so much when I’m dealing with the things I’m dealing with, day in and day out.
There are good days and there are bad days. If you’re a regular here, you can probably tell that by my writing.
On the bad days, of which I’ve been having a few of lately, the world seems out to get me.
On the bad days, I really struggle to even take care of myself.
On the bad days, I can’t sleep and all I want to do is cry because I feel so completely alone but I physically can’t.. I’m left with that feeling, similar to the kind one gets when they need to sneeze but it just won’t come out.
I’m under so much pressure and the person I took on all this responsibility with, has given up all ownership and left me to my own devices.
The truth is that I’m setup to fail. Nothing I can ever do will be enough and while that will never stop me from trying, it’s a battle that I will always lose.
The very nature of Autism and my oldest sons fragile health, precludes me from ever being able to meet all their needs.
Viewing all this through the eyes or fog of depression, my sense of shame and guilt is accentuated.
I beat myself up for falling behind on the bills, losing utilities or not being able to get the kids all the things they need.
The reality is that raising one child with special needs, in a two parent home is difficult to say the least. Trying like Hell to raise three children with special needs on my own, can seem impossible at times.
Depression helps to ensure that I’m all too keenly aware of my shortcomings and tries quite diligently to make me forget or overlook all the things that I do right.
It’s 3am and I’m writing this because I’m hoping that by getting all this out, I’ll finally be able to fall asleep.
I’m consumed with worry because my paychecks aren’t enough and while I’m working hard to improve this situation, my hands are tied in too many ways to count.
It’s really frustrating because I know that while things are bad, they very likely aren’t as bad as they may seem to me because I’m depressed.
I know that but it doesn’t change anything, including how I feel.
Part of the reason I’m here right now is because the boys have been sick all week and I haven’t had a break. They’re miserable and I’m exhausted. I don’t get to tag anyone else in and take a break, so I’m running myself into the ground and now I’m getting sick as a result.
It doesn’t help that while all this is going on, I’m seeing my wife publicly celebrate having moved on with her life before we’re even divorced. I’ve known that for a very long time because she moved on long ago but it was one of those things that I wouldn’t talk about publicly..
It’s humiliating in a way but it is what it is.
Anyway, as you can probably tell from the tone of this post, I’m currently engaged in a battle with depression that I don’t seem to be winning at the moment.
I go to the doctors next week and maybe I’ll discuss medication adjustments but again, medication can only do so much, especially considering that I can’t take anything that could interfere with my ability to care for my kids.
This battle will eventually end and win or lose, it’s just one battle. There are going to be plenty of battles that will end in victory for me.. ☺
Once I can finally get some quality rest, I’ll be able to gain some ground.
Until then, this is the ugly, raw and unpleasant truth of my life. This is what my life is like when depression has the upper hand.
During these difficult times, I force myself to focus on the most important things that need to happen each day and everything else hits the back burner. There’s no other choice, especially since I’m on my own.
It’s tough to understand when you’re on the outside looking in but I can’t afford to worry too much about what others think.
I need to keep on keeping on… ☺
Before I end this, I want to say a few things to my readers directly. .
If you are struggling with depression, please make sure you get the help you both need and deserve. I know it’s not easy to do but you need to talk to someone you trust, someone who’ll listen.
Never be ashamed to seek help for depression. It’s not a weakness and you don’t need to suffer in silence.
It’s my sincerest hope that by sharing my story, you realize that you aren’t alone and depression is something that’s okay to talk about and get help for..
This site is managed almost exclusively from my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Please forgive any typos as auto-correct HATES me. 😉
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