Emmett’s conferences when amazingly well but I’m also sad and disappointed at the same time

I have found myself disappointed once again and I really shouldn’t be because the best way to determine future behavior is to look at the past behavior.  Perhaps I’m just stupid or maybe keep holding out hope for something that is never going to happen. 

With that being said, today was parent teacher conferences. 

I made the appointment for Emmett only because I just had a meeting with Elliott’s teachers within the last couple of weeks.  There wasn’t really even a need to meet with Emmett’s teachers because I talk to them every day. 

The main reason that a conference was setup was so that both parents could be involved and gain more insight into our children’s education. 

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Everything was setup and everyone committed to being there. 

I picked the boys up from school at 3pm and took them for an early dinner to both kill time and avoid going home, only to turn around and head back to the school for conferences at 4pm.

We got back to the school by 3:30 PM and there was a no-show before our time slot.  Emmett’s teachers suggested we start early so I could get the boys home and so we didn’t have to sit around for another 30 minutes.

I chose not to take them up on their offer and explained that not everyone was there yet.  It was important to me to make sure that everything went as planned because having both parents involved, only serves to benefit Emmett in the long run. 

We waited and when 4:00 pm rolled around, I decided to get started because every knew what time to be there and other parents were waiting for their turn as well. 

I figured it was traffic and that others could simply join in when they arrived.

The awesome news is that Emmett is doing so incredibly well at school.  He’s either right where he needs to be or well ahead of where he should be at his age. 

I brought Emmett into the conference at one point because he was frustrated with some things in math.  I wanted him to explain to his teacher because I still wasn’t sure what that was about and I figured it was better coming from him. 

He very pointedly told his teacher that Math is too easy and he would like to do something that’s more challenging. 

Thinking about it, that makes sense.

His teacher was awesome about it and said that when he comes back on Tuesday, they will start working on higher level Math but if he gets overwhelmed that he needs to make sure we know, so we can help him. 

Emmett was happy and that makes me and his teacher happy.. ☺

Conferences lasted about 20 minutes or so and then we were on our way home to begin our 4 day weekend. 

Unfortunately, not everyone saw fit to show up and I’m both frustrated and saddened at the same time.  We all knew when it was and when to be there. She said we would be there because she wanted to be more involved in our kids education. I thought it was a big step forward and while I was nervous about how it would go because it was the first time in at least 2 years, we would both be there, I was excited as well. 

I want nothing more than to see this all work out for the boys. 

The boys knew she was supposed to be there as well and now they know that she didn’t show up……..again.

I was angry at first because a huge deal had been made about setting this meeting up and not by me. I see the teachers every single day, so conferences aren’t usually necessary for me. This wasn’t for my benefit but for hers and hopefully Emmett’s as well. 

I realized while I was on the way home that I’m really not angry at all.  I’m disappointed because it’s just one more let down, in a long string of let downs.  It screams that something is wrong because the woman I married, would never do this and yet I’m powerless to do anything about it.  It’s heartbreaking for me to see things continuing to go this way but I can’t afford to give up.

It sucks that once again, the boys had to experience someone saying something and not following through. 

In all fairness, I don’t know if she said anything to them about being there. I said something to them so they wouldn’t be surprised when she showed unexpectedly. I really thought this time was different but I was wrong. 

Not showing up again, doesn’t hurt me but it certainly makes working together and remaining on the same page, more challenging. 

I know this kind of situation is not unique to me at all.  So many divorced or separated parents deal with one parents lack on involvement and it’s not an easy thing. 

Regardless, it’s so important to remain focused on what really matters and that of course is the kids.  Everyone being there wasn’t mission critical because nothing new was learned and school falls on my pile of responsibility anyway.  This just continues to prove that I’m in this alone.

It’s okay to be upset or disappointed because when you’re committed to raising the children you made together and the other parent isn’t, it’s only human to feel those things. 

That being said, I still have to work together, at least to some degree and being angry serves no higher purpose.

I don’t know how many more times I’m going to go out of my way to accommodate someone who commits to being somewhere and then doesn’t show up.  Next time, I’ll just set things up around my schedule. That way it’s better for me and for the boys. 

Just so we’re on the same page, part of the reason I requested the conferences was because Emmett started talking about being frustrated with Math.  I figured it was best to address this directly and as soon as possible.  Secondly, it was important to her that we set these up and so I did. 

If you understand the nature of borderline personalty disorder, you will also understand why her going by herself is a bad idea and why both of us being present is essential to ensuring that everyone is on the same page. It may sound controlling but very nature of BPD, dictates this as a necessity.  That’s just the reality of the situation. 

This isn’t about bashing the boys Mother. If it was, this post would have gone a way different direction. I’m constantly being told that I’m too nice or too accommodating.  I’ve always been this way and the fact that we are no longer together, isn’t going to change who I am.  At the same time, at some point I have to draw a line.. 

I share this because it’s helpful for me to hear back from people and learn that this is something that they deal with as well. It’s good to know you aren’t alone.  I also was to try and provide as much context as possible because it helps to provide a better framework for understanding what life has become for the boys and I. 

I wish things had worked out differently today but it didn’t and what happened had a real impact.. 

Look, if you’re going through something good similar, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Whether you’re a single Mother or single Father, raising kids alone isn’t easy.  Raising kids with Autism alone, takes that challenge to a whole new level. 

Keep your chin and remain focused on what really matters, your kids. 

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12 Comments on "Emmett’s conferences when amazingly well but I’m also sad and disappointed at the same time"

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Rob Gorski
Guest
Congratulations again.. ☺ You’re right. Focusing in the positive I’d what I’m doing here. It’s not easy to find balance in difficult situations but as one of the only people who actually knows the entire story, I know you understand why I have to do what I do. On a side note, I just bought Emmett a hammock and I’m hoping to figure out a place to install it this weekend, inside of course. This should provide him with some great feedback, as he loves this at OT… Lastly, if you need to talk, get ahold of me.. ☺
Darcy
Member

Unfortunately in my situation you have both parents involved in their child’s education, but father feels it’s necessary to do things on his own & have meetings & conferences without my knowledge so it’s widely known that he won’t work with me for the sake of our son & I have to schedule my own meetings & I’m sending out pleading emails to all teachers & even including principal & counselor & deans, because my son is flunking everything & is being bullied & is soo depressed, because no one is helping him, including his father!

Alyssa Rogers Williams
Guest

I usually read posts in bunches as life is life and busy traveling etc. Darcy, I’m still sorry you have an unhappy situation. Just a thought….do you have a therapist to counselor to air grievances to that can assist in coping? Hope so. Be as proactive as you can in a positive way. 🙂 I

Braden
Guest

Hopefully this is the kick in the teeth you need to stop placating her….because she certainly doesn’t care about you or the boys feelings.

Rob Gorski
Guest

It’s something, that’s for sure

Jimmy Rock
Guest
This sucks. Of course you’re not alone- while I’m lucky enough not to know about this from personal experience, unfortunately this is way too commonplace. It sounds like you’ve learned a lesson from this most recent disappointment – it’s time to curb your optimistic nature with respect to your ex’s capabilities, even when she says the right things, until she actually proves capable. Yes, it was great that she finally expressed interest in being part of the boys’ education, and I totally understand you seeing that as a good sign, and wanting to encourage that and make it work. That’s… Read more »
Yvette Kennedy
Guest
Rob – I have kept my nose out of this entire situation. I have bitten my tongue and kept my comments/opinions to myself, but I feel I need to step to you one adult to the other. Before I begin, Lizze did not ask me to do this nor did she say anything at all to me. I just want to make that clear and let you know that you shouldn’t hold her accountable for what I am about to say or give her any grief because of it. What I am about to say will undoubtedly upset you and… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest
It’s nice to hear from you. I haven’t once bashed Lizze and I won’t. While I appreciate your concern for Lizze’s reputation, your concerns would be better invested in the victims of her behaviors. The boys are the victims here not her. All you know is what you are told by someone who is considered an “inaccurate historian” by her own therapist. Maybe if you showed an ounce of concern for what the boys are going through, I would not take this as personally. There are posts that deal with the divorce and Lizze but the majority of them have… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest
Vette, I wanted to answer a couple of things I missed. Do you understand borderline personality disorder? If you do, than you know you have to take anything people with bpd with a grain of salt because it’s most likely inaccurate. I’ve never claimed to be perfect but I was completely devoted to my wife. I did what I could in an impossible situation, with little to no help. It’s great that Lizze moved on with her life but that kinda shitty to even bring up because you and I know it’s more complicated than that and far less innocent.… Read more »
Rob Gorski
Guest
Vette, I deleted my responses to your rant/comment. I will simply say this. If you understand and I mean truly understand borderline personality disorder, you would be questioning everything you’ve been told. Speaking to the facts about the challenges I’m facing, including some of the things she keeps doing to myself and the boys is not bashing her. It certainly doesn’t paint her in a good light but she’s doing that to herself with the things she’s publically said and done online since she left. Based on the number of posts here, ones that pertain to her are statistically a… Read more »
Alyssa Rogers Williams
Guest
Yvette: I read this (incredulously) with a very open mind and am a reader of this blog fairly regularly. Background: stumbled upon it through the CNN article long ago and wanted to learn about austism because of a friend’s child’s diagnosis. I found much more and developed an interest in the well being of these three special needs children and how a parent (now singular) copes. As a writer, researcher and with many friends in the medical community I became very interested for many reasons beyond my initial educational queries. Lizze was part of the equation then (full disclosure: I… Read more »
Alyssa Rogers Williams
Guest

I usually read posts in bunches as life is life and busy traveling etc. Darcy, I’m still sorry you have an unhappy situation. Just a thought….do you have a therapist to counselor to air grievances to that can assist in coping? Hope so. Be as proactive as you can in a positive way. 🙂

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