Emmett’s conferences when amazingly well but I’m also sad and disappointed at the same time

I have found myself disappointed once again and I really shouldn’t be because the best way to determine future behavior is to look at the past behavior.  Perhaps I’m just stupid or maybe keep holding out hope for something that is never going to happen. 

With that being said, today was parent teacher conferences. 

I made the appointment for Emmett only because I just had a meeting with Elliott’s teachers within the last couple of weeks.  There wasn’t really even a need to meet with Emmett’s teachers because I talk to them every day. 

The main reason that a conference was setup was so that both parents could be involved and gain more insight into our children’s education. 

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Everything was setup and everyone committed to being there. 

I picked the boys up from school at 3pm and took them for an early dinner to both kill time and avoid going home, only to turn around and head back to the school for conferences at 4pm.

We got back to the school by 3:30 PM and there was a no-show before our time slot.  Emmett’s teachers suggested we start early so I could get the boys home and so we didn’t have to sit around for another 30 minutes.

I chose not to take them up on their offer and explained that not everyone was there yet.  It was important to me to make sure that everything went as planned because having both parents involved, only serves to benefit Emmett in the long run. 

We waited and when 4:00 pm rolled around, I decided to get started because every knew what time to be there and other parents were waiting for their turn as well. 

I figured it was traffic and that others could simply join in when they arrived.

The awesome news is that Emmett is doing so incredibly well at school.  He’s either right where he needs to be or well ahead of where he should be at his age. 

I brought Emmett into the conference at one point because he was frustrated with some things in math.  I wanted him to explain to his teacher because I still wasn’t sure what that was about and I figured it was better coming from him. 

He very pointedly told his teacher that Math is too easy and he would like to do something that’s more challenging. 

Thinking about it, that makes sense.

His teacher was awesome about it and said that when he comes back on Tuesday, they will start working on higher level Math but if he gets overwhelmed that he needs to make sure we know, so we can help him. 

Emmett was happy and that makes me and his teacher happy.. ☺

Conferences lasted about 20 minutes or so and then we were on our way home to begin our 4 day weekend. 

Unfortunately, not everyone saw fit to show up and I’m both frustrated and saddened at the same time.  We all knew when it was and when to be there. She said we would be there because she wanted to be more involved in our kids education. I thought it was a big step forward and while I was nervous about how it would go because it was the first time in at least 2 years, we would both be there, I was excited as well. 

I want nothing more than to see this all work out for the boys. 

The boys knew she was supposed to be there as well and now they know that she didn’t show up……..again.

I was angry at first because a huge deal had been made about setting this meeting up and not by me. I see the teachers every single day, so conferences aren’t usually necessary for me. This wasn’t for my benefit but for hers and hopefully Emmett’s as well. 

I realized while I was on the way home that I’m really not angry at all.  I’m disappointed because it’s just one more let down, in a long string of let downs.  It screams that something is wrong because the woman I married, would never do this and yet I’m powerless to do anything about it.  It’s heartbreaking for me to see things continuing to go this way but I can’t afford to give up.

It sucks that once again, the boys had to experience someone saying something and not following through. 

In all fairness, I don’t know if she said anything to them about being there. I said something to them so they wouldn’t be surprised when she showed unexpectedly. I really thought this time was different but I was wrong. 

Not showing up again, doesn’t hurt me but it certainly makes working together and remaining on the same page, more challenging. 

I know this kind of situation is not unique to me at all.  So many divorced or separated parents deal with one parents lack on involvement and it’s not an easy thing. 

Regardless, it’s so important to remain focused on what really matters and that of course is the kids.  Everyone being there wasn’t mission critical because nothing new was learned and school falls on my pile of responsibility anyway.  This just continues to prove that I’m in this alone.

It’s okay to be upset or disappointed because when you’re committed to raising the children you made together and the other parent isn’t, it’s only human to feel those things. 

That being said, I still have to work together, at least to some degree and being angry serves no higher purpose.

I don’t know how many more times I’m going to go out of my way to accommodate someone who commits to being somewhere and then doesn’t show up.  Next time, I’ll just set things up around my schedule. That way it’s better for me and for the boys. 

Just so we’re on the same page, part of the reason I requested the conferences was because Emmett started talking about being frustrated with Math.  I figured it was best to address this directly and as soon as possible.  Secondly, it was important to her that we set these up and so I did. 

If you understand the nature of borderline personalty disorder, you will also understand why her going by herself is a bad idea and why both of us being present is essential to ensuring that everyone is on the same page. It may sound controlling but very nature of BPD, dictates this as a necessity.  That’s just the reality of the situation. 

This isn’t about bashing the boys Mother. If it was, this post would have gone a way different direction. I’m constantly being told that I’m too nice or too accommodating.  I’ve always been this way and the fact that we are no longer together, isn’t going to change who I am.  At the same time, at some point I have to draw a line.. 

I share this because it’s helpful for me to hear back from people and learn that this is something that they deal with as well. It’s good to know you aren’t alone.  I also was to try and provide as much context as possible because it helps to provide a better framework for understanding what life has become for the boys and I. 

I wish things had worked out differently today but it didn’t and what happened had a real impact.. 

Look, if you’re going through something good similar, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Whether you’re a single Mother or single Father, raising kids alone isn’t easy.  Raising kids with Autism alone, takes that challenge to a whole new level. 

Keep your chin and remain focused on what really matters, your kids. 

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12 Comments

  1. Congratulations again.. ☺

    You’re right. Focusing in the positive I’d what I’m doing here. It’s not easy to find balance in difficult situations but as one of the only people who actually knows the entire story, I know you understand why I have to do what I do.

    On a side note, I just bought Emmett a hammock and I’m hoping to figure out a place to install it this weekend, inside of course.

    This should provide him with some great feedback, as he loves this at OT…

    Lastly, if you need to talk, get ahold of me.. ☺

  2. Darcy Dallin

    Unfortunately in my situation you have both parents involved in their child’s education, but father feels it’s necessary to do things on his own & have meetings & conferences without my knowledge so it’s widely known that he won’t work with me for the sake of our son & I have to schedule my own meetings & I’m sending out pleading emails to all teachers & even including principal & counselor & deans, because my son is flunking everything & is being bullied & is soo depressed, because no one is helping him, including his father!

    1. Alyssa Rogers Williams

      I usually read posts in bunches as life is life and busy traveling etc. Darcy, I’m still sorry you have an unhappy situation. Just a thought….do you have a therapist to counselor to air grievances to that can assist in coping? Hope so. Be as proactive as you can in a positive way. 🙂 I

  3. Jimmy Rock

    This sucks. Of course you’re not alone- while I’m lucky enough not to know about this from personal experience, unfortunately this is way too commonplace. It sounds like you’ve learned a lesson from this most recent disappointment – it’s time to curb your optimistic nature with respect to your ex’s capabilities, even when she says the right things, until she actually proves capable. Yes, it was great that she finally expressed interest in being part of the boys’ education, and I totally understand you seeing that as a good sign, and wanting to encourage that and make it work. That’s absolutely the right attitude to have. But I hope that the next time she expresses an interest in having a conference, instead of scheduling one that you wouldn’t have ordinarily scheduled (although this one ended up having a very positive result – definite silver lining!) just so she can attend, you tell her that it’s great that she’s expressed an interest and that the next time you have a conference to schedule, you’ll let her know when you arrange it (at a time which is convenient for you) and hopefully she can attend. Mental illness might be the explanation here, but it’s not an excuse, and she should have to earn this privilege (and I suspect that you, like I do, consider it to be a privilege to have such an active role in your kids’ educations) by building up a track record of reliability. Sorry you had to experience this.

    On another note, the hammock looks great. Hopefully you can set it up. My kids go to an anti-gravity yoga class where they have similar ones to that and they love it.

  4. Yvette Kennedy

    Rob – I have kept my nose out of this entire situation. I have bitten my tongue and kept my comments/opinions to myself, but I feel I need to step to you one adult to the other. Before I begin, Lizze did not ask me to do this nor did she say anything at all to me. I just want to make that clear and let you know that you shouldn’t hold her accountable for what I am about to say or give her any grief because of it. What I am about to say will undoubtedly upset you and that’s fine, but if you feel the need to lash back at someone because of it then you step to me. I honestly believe that you initially started this blog as a means to do exactly what you claim its for. I do believe that your intentions were to educate, support and give insight. However, somewhere along the way you veered horrible off that path. This blog has become an exploitation for you. You got a taste of what all this blog could do for you and you liked it. You started getting free stuff, sympathy and a touch of notoriety (who wouldn’t like all that stuff?). And now, you have sunken even deeper and started using this blog as a means of lashing back at Lizze for hurting you. I completely understand you are hurt at the events that have unfolded, as well you should be, but bashing her? Really? All time low. This post started off really well. Telling all about how Emmett’s conferences went and how much progress he has made and how well he is doing. Why did it have to turn into what a horrible person and mother Lizze is because she failed to show up for whatever the reason? You didn’t have to include or even bring up the fact that Lizze never showed up. I haven’t even read your blog in about a year because, frankly, it makes me sick how you exploit my nephews, but it is what it is. I take a look at your blog (for the sole purpose of seeing how my nephews are doing) and I was shocked as to what I found. Almost every single blog post has something negative or derogatory against Lizze. Why? And then I see you get mad at people when they don’t support your negativity and bashing. When they speak out against you. You shutdown threads when people start saying things you don’t like? Why? Are you the only one who gets to down talk someone? Honestly, you need to grow up, pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Lizze has. Marriages end every day, someone always gets hurt, but when two people have children together no matter how hurt they are they need to shake that stuff off and put on a happy face for their children and pretend they all just get along. I can honestly tell you that Lizze NEVER down talks you. Never says one negative word against you. NEVER! You can believe or don’t, whatever you would like, but you know I have ALWAYS been nothing but straightforward with both you and Lizze. Some day the boys will be old enough to get on the computer and read all this stuff. What are you teaching them? Will you be proud of what you wrote then? Nobody is saying you’re not allowed to post about your feelings, but I think it can be done in such a more tasteful way without having to bash Lizze. Maybe you will delete this comment, maybe you won’t read it, whatever…it is what it is. I just felt that I had to say something because Lizze deserves it. She doesn’t deserve this Rob and if you ever truly love her, then you will realize that. And to all the readers/commenters also jumping on the “Bash Lizze” train think about this…you know one side of the story so what gives you the right? I know both sides of the story and I can tell you that neither person involved is perfect. Rob himself has done things that were not so right (which we all do when we are hurt). He can write his blog posts all he wants and continue to act like a victim, but marriages take two people as do the failures of marriages. Just so everyone knows, I will not be following this blog post nor responding/reading any future comments on here. I said my piece and now I’m out.

    1. It’s nice to hear from you. I haven’t once bashed Lizze and I won’t. While I appreciate your concern for Lizze’s reputation, your concerns would be better invested in the victims of her behaviors. The boys are the victims here not her.

      All you know is what you are told by someone who is considered an “inaccurate historian” by her own therapist.

      Maybe if you showed an ounce of concern for what the boys are going through, I would not take this as personally.

      There are posts that deal with the divorce and Lizze but the majority of them have nothing to do with her.

      I’m saddened to have lost someone whom I considered a friend and even family but Lizze drew a line and people have chosen sides, which is really sad.

      The boys are not being exploited and they love being a part of this blog.

      The reality of my challenge has been made incredibly more difficult by decisions that Lizze has made and continues to make. It hurts the boys and frankly, I’ve been too nice.

      Can you honestly tell me that you support even half of what she’s doing? Do you even know what’s really happening? I’m not sure how much you know but if you’re so worried about the boys finding things on the Internet, be grateful that I was able to track down and remove some of the things that made it there.

      I realize that you are emotionally invested in this to some degree but the boys aren’t your nephews and we aren’t family. You chose a side when there shouldn’t be sides being chosen. This should be all about the boys and that’s it.

      I love you Vette but your rant shows me that you don’t know half of what’s going on. You have my number and email. If you’re really worried, we should talk because there are things you should probably know.

      I’m allowed to be disappointed that once again both myself and the boys are let down by someone who is so blindly supported by her friends and family..

      Aside for her parents, who have been amazing, who else is there for the kids?

      Sometimes I share things because it’s the only way to communicate with the boys grandparents and let them know what’s actually going on. Lizze has banned everyone from communicating with me and me from communicating with them. It’s called compartmentalization and it’s a huge part of borderline personality disorder.

      I know this all comes out of love for your friend and while I’m sad by seeing where you stand, I don’t fault you for it.

      It’s important to draw a distinction between talking about something that has happened to myself or the boys and badmouthing someone.

      People have based their opinions of her on what they’ve seen her say and do online.. I have no control over that. I don’t complain about that and I will not take the same path because she’s the Mother of my children. I don’t support her or agree with anything she’s doing. I love her and I’ve done everything I can to help but it’s out of my hands.

      I don’t blame her for the emotional and physical challenges she faces but it’s no excuse for what she’s done to the boys and on a purely selfish level, myself.

      I encourage you to call me and we can talk about this. If you don’t have my number, just click the link above and send me an email.

      I don’t want any of this and I hope to hear from you..

    2. Vette, I wanted to answer a couple of things I missed. Do you understand borderline personality disorder? If you do, than you know you have to take anything people with bpd with a grain of salt because it’s most likely inaccurate.

      I’ve never claimed to be perfect but I was completely devoted to my wife. I did what I could in an impossible situation, with little to no help.

      It’s great that Lizze moved on with her life but that kinda shitty to even bring up because you and I know it’s more complicated than that and far less innocent. It’s also much easier when you simply drop your family and all the responsibility it entails and walk away.

      I don’t have that luxury because I’m trying to raise at least 2 traumatized kids with Autism. Gavin’s a whole new person and is finally happy with his life.

      I wouldn’t hold Lizze accountable for the things you’ve said because I don’t even hold her accountable for her own actions..

      Again, please send me an email so we can connect if you’re truly interested in understanding..

    3. Vette,

      I deleted my responses to your rant/comment.

      I will simply say this. If you understand and I mean truly understand borderline personality disorder, you would be questioning everything you’ve been told.

      Speaking to the facts about the challenges I’m facing, including some of the things she keeps doing to myself and the boys is not bashing her. It certainly doesn’t paint her in a good light but she’s doing that to herself with the things she’s publically said and done online since she left.

      Based on the number of posts here, ones that pertain to her are statistically a very small number.

      I’d love to talk if you’re willing to listen because if you truly care about her, there are things you need to know.

      Shoot me an email cause my numbers changed and I no longer have you in my contacts.

      Have a great night

      Rob

    4. Alyssa Rogers Williams

      Yvette: I read this (incredulously) with a very open mind and am a reader of this blog fairly regularly. Background: stumbled upon it through the CNN article long ago and wanted to learn about austism because of a friend’s child’s diagnosis. I found much more and developed an interest in the well being of these three special needs children and how a parent (now singular) copes.

      As a writer, researcher and with many friends in the medical community I became very interested for many reasons beyond my initial educational queries. Lizze was part of the equation then (full disclosure: I know neither party personally). I wound up reading not only Lost & Tired in its entirety but also Lizze’s comprehensive blog that went back years and years and it was a bread crumb trail of dysfunction from so many angles. Because I therein found so many alarming things in regards to her being a mother in her clinically narcissistic bubble, while her husband did basically…..everything , I passed along the links to friends in the psychiatric community. For an outsider away from their personal situation, hers was an unending serial diary of serious mental issues . Long story short, all whom I ran it by were quite certain that Lizze had several serious mental issues that may or may not have been addressed with her personal physicians. A layman can quite clearly see a woman enamoured of attention and almost delighted in any medical diagnoses (that upon scrutiny became clear she lied or misled many ) for herself and her children. Many readers commented about what we could see clearly even back then.

      Your accusations of Lizze being “bashed” (overused, clichéd word) are quite erroneous, as Rob pointed out, ratio wise he speaks actually very little of Lizze and has in fact asked readers many times to refrain from any negativity regarding her. There is no “all time low”? Quite to the contrary he exhibits immense restraint. I feel badly I’m even going against his own “staying positive” way, but your comment needed addressing.

      You see, many read Lizze’s blog surreptitiously when sometimes things she proclaimed didn’t add up…….that blog was one hell of a self-indicting narrative and she couldn’t even see how most educated or intuitive people could see right through the bullshit. Rob’s been extremely compassionate regarding her mental illnesses when most are still simply sickened by her actions which add up. Which are facts. Rob doesn’t make her posts on social media, she does, again, pure self indictment by facts. I myself was recently appalled by the juxtaposition of how disabled she *was * back when she lived with Rob yet played games and blogged whilst her husband did all the work and now posts a hypocritical false narrative completely in the opposite vein, still ever seeking attention . I feel you are bamboozled by this faux persona completely.

      Rob’s blog from a literary perspective is not in any way an attempt to persuade or characterize, he presents HIS life and help for others, tips, links and helpful posts about autism and how his kids are doing in the wake of an extremely traumatic event. In fact despite there being a virtual lynch mob in existence regarding (and there is no other way to put it ) Lizze abrogating her parental responsibilities, abandoning children where that action would seriously compromise their emotional well being, it’s hard to even know whatever you’re trying to do here (PR damage control?) You obviously don’t read this blog regularly because again, Lizze enters posts very rarely. It’s Rob’s blog. Presenting a factual, calm and rational account of truthful occurrences isn’t bashing, especially as it relates to his children.

      In fact I, as well have other readers, have even told him his taking the high road whilst she publicly does things to goad, disrupt and make things about “her” is admirable but we differ in our viewpoints about it civilly. We are actually pretty hard on Rob sometimes and he rationally discusses, there’s no deletions, we are all trying to understand different viewpoints. In sum, the picture you’re painting of this blog us isn’t valid, it doesn’t exist.

      Most of us wouldn’t be so forgiving so you giving him any grief at all is ludicrous (and weird). . Most of us think she’s gotten away scot free, no responsibilities, mooches off her poor parents and tried to fleece your state for disability only to post most unwisely how wonderful she was on social media. In one of Rob’s very few mentions he related her absurd and ridiculous attempts at “control” by forbidding Rob to speak to his own children’s grandparents (so she controls the narrative)….here he’s just relating the truth…..she asked for special allowances re: participation in educational matters for the kids and didn’t show. C’mon, that’s just par and he didn’t even have to give her that opportunity.

      We’ll take Rob’s word for it once upon a time she was a different person and I’m truly sorry for her, mental illness in that serious a form/forms will be formidable to overcome. But don’t shoot a truthful messenger. You also included a huge red herring regarding marriages ending. Sure, half do but usually the dynamic of two people who actively want to parent effectively and together, though physically apart. If Rob’s children read his blog one day I think they will be overwhelmed by the love and sacrifice their father made. His accurate representations without resorting to low levels.

      The blog isn’t about Lizze, don’t try to paint it in that light, though given her mental narcissism I’m sure she’d like to think so. But as Rob is a single Dad raising their boys he’s more than entitled to share any trials and tribulations, regardless if it’s pharmacy mix ups or a Mother ditching her children on an important night. Please read Jimmy Rock’s astute comment. And instead of wasting time berating Rob, you could stop taking everything a proven pathological person says at face value and volunteer time to assist in a program of truth regarding her situation.

      Sorry to go on ad nauseum, Rob, apologies ……that strange, vitriolic comment took me wholly by surprise. I hope p, Yvette, you get to know the whole story, instead of the filtered,,diluted or fabricated versions. How crazily off base, couldn’t get past the false accusations about you, Rob, and Your response…classic and succinct. Good job.

      Ps when my husband and I first read the blogs we both said,man, this guy is a giver, he needs to get away from this person. But we could tell you truly loved the idea of a “family”. In the long run we truly believe it’s the best thing she did leave, just not in the selfish manner in which she did . Great things are on your horizon, and I hope Lizze can get effective help as well.

  5. Alyssa Rogers Williams

    I usually read posts in bunches as life is life and busy traveling etc. Darcy, I’m still sorry you have an unhappy situation. Just a thought….do you have a therapist to counselor to air grievances to that can assist in coping? Hope so. Be as proactive as you can in a positive way. 🙂

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