I haven’t felt this overwhelmed in a long time



Over the last decade, this blog has evolved into whatever it is now. One of the things that have remained consistent throughout is the honesty with with I write. I may not write as much anymore and my writing isn’t as inspiring as it once was, but it’s just as honest as the day is long.

I’m writing tonight because I feel like I’m failing in so many areas of my life.

In fairness, I do realize that a large part of this is my depression talking but I’m pretty sure I’d feel like this anyway.

It’s been a particularly difficult day because I’m not handling Gavin very well. Gavin’s in a very weird place right now and I don’t know what’s going on with him. He’s regressing in a great many ways and I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it.

I won’t go into details on some things but I’ll just say there are toileting issues (specifically at night), hygiene issues, memory issues and a shitload of executive function issues. I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

Gavin is struggling in pretty much every single area of his life and it’s forcing me to micromanage him. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know how much I hate micromanagement period, let alone micromanaging someone’s life. I hate it, but I don’t have any choice. Not any good ones anyway.

It’s been a constant barrage of challenges today, most in regards to Gavin. He’s not doing anything wrong and it’s not his fault. To be very clear, I’m not angry with him in the slightest. I am however, very, very frustrated and to me there’s a stark difference between the two.

I literally spent every last drop of patience I had in me to today, and it wasn’t enough. I’m not proud that I ran out of patience but at the same time, I’m one person, and a very human one at that.

Lockdown hasn’t been easy and as I’m finishing this post up, we’ve hit day 100. Gavin was doing surprisingly well at first but I’d say the last month or so has brought with it, decompensation. An overall change in demeanor and some particularly frustrating challenges are continuing to pop up. The boys are frustrated, I’m frustrated and poor Gavin is incredibly frustrated with himself.

Emmett is at his wits end with Gavin and Elliott’s not too far behind.

I should clarify that what I really mean is the boys are frustrated with Gavin behaviors, not him as a person.

Gavin is a phenomenal human being and these challenges don’t take away from that in the slightest. The problem is that the behaviors themselves are very overwhelming to deal with and coexistence, especially under the current lockdown climate, is proving to be equally as challenging.

All of this has my anxiety cranked up to a ten. I’m struggling and I know things will get better, but I’m very much in the moment right now.

I’m hoping for a good night’s sleep and a clean slate when I wake up.

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