I mentioned yesterday that depression is becoming more of a struggle for me lately. Monday was pretty rough for me but yesterday was a little better.
It’s so hard to describe what this is like, especially if you’ve never experienced depression before. I can say that it impacts pretty much every aspect of my life and that motivating myself to do anything is pretty fucking difficult. It’s not laziness at all and it fucking drives me crazy when people assume that. It’s more like thinking about doing anything is so overwhelming that it’s crippling.
I know that’s hard to understand.
There are times that I get stuck inside my own head and that’s not always the most friendly place for me to spend time. When I’m in my head, I can become distressed, anxious, distracted and my thoughts can spiral outside of my control. At least that’s how it feels.
Depression for me is very frustrating because I fully understand the mechanics of why I feel the way I do, and I know that it’s driven by depression but I can’t stop feeling. Sometimes, all I want to do is stop feeling, just for a little while. If I can’t feel, I can’t hurt.
I was talking to my therapist today. For those who don’t know, I was a forensic psych major is college. I never finished my degree because I took an EMT class while waiting for another class to open up. I got hooked on emergency medicine and never looked back.
Anyway, I was talking to my therapist about how frustrating depression is for me. When I get stuck in my head, I feel way too much and it’s overwhelming. I’m able to take a step back and remind myself that this is depression talking. I can tell myself that I’m feeling and not thinking. I can do all of those things because I’m very aware of the how’s and why’s but it doesn’t change how I feel. That’s so frustrating for me.
It’s kinda like touching a hot burner, feeling it’s hot, knowing that I’m burning myself, wanting to remove my hand but not being able to.
I feel like understanding the problem should make it easier for me to deal with it but it doesn’t work that way. I know that depression is making me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling, but I can’t stop it. The fear, pain, anxiety, and uncertainty completely overwhelm me. I just want to not feel those things for a little while. Just so we’re clear, I’m not talking about hurting myself at all. That’s not an option for me because it wouldn’t solve anything and if things ever got that dark, I know I have people I can reach out to.
There are only so many things I can do to combat this. I take my meds, I have my therapist and I try to take care of myself.